Player(45)

Katherine and I snickered.

“And then, after you…I don’t know what—gag on his dick for however long?—then he comes and fires a huge load down your esophagus.” Hysteria rode the words like a bronco. “How do you not choke? Or drown? I don’t think I could swallow. I just don’t!”

“Don’t worry,” I soothed. “When the time comes, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t even have to let that nasty thing near your exceptionally small palate, and you certainly don’t have to swallow his load. Okay?”

She nodded and sighed. “Okay.”

Katherine scrutinized our very short list for a moment. “Well, in the way of foreplay, that’s about all you can do. There are, I suppose, addendums to blowjobs—like testicle juggling, perineal massage, or anal penetration—but I think you should maybe just start with the basics.”

Our faces twisted in disgust, and we shared an uncertain look.

Katherine continued, unfazed, “So, what about positions?”

Amelia whipped out her phone. “We should consult the internet. None of us have the experience to really answer that question without research.”

I leaned to look at her screen, and Katherine moved around the back of the couch.

“Ah, okay. This one has illustrations and—oh.”

She’d landed on a sketch of a girl who was upside down with all her weight resting on her shoulders and her legs in the air. The guy stood behind her, holding one leg in the air by the calf while pushing the other down like a jackknife, opening her up so he could nail her where she was split.

Our heads tilted to one side in unison.

“Is that seriously called a Piledriver?” I asked the universe.

“Oh my God, the next one is called the Prison Guard,” Amelia said, clicking the link.

We burst into laughter at the drawing. The girl was hinged at the waist with her hands behind her back, and the guy held her wrists in the small, like he was handcuffing her, while he did her from the back.

“I will never have sex imitating incarceration,” Katherine said flatly.

“Never say never,” I volleyed as Amelia skipped further down the alphabet. “Holy shit, look at that one.”

I pointed at a thumbnail, and she clicked it.

I could barely understand what I was seeing. They were in a sixty-nine but upright, which was the first point of confusion. Secondly, they were backward; her legs were hooked over his shoulders, putting her ass against his chest and her junk where a necklace would go. And the last straw was that, to gain access to his dick, her neck was twisted around like a flamingo.

Nothing about it looked doable or enjoyable.

“I’m absolutely positive that would never work,” I said, unamused.

“Maybe if she were eighty pounds and a contortionist,” Katherine offered.

“I mean, sixty-nines are the worst anyway,” I said with the shake of my head. “Isn’t the whole point of oral to get to lie there and do nothing? Never mind doing it like that. The amount of concentration and strength that would take would leave the whole thing devoid of fun.”

“Thumbs down on the Snake,” Amelia said. “Ew, Mexican Halloween? That’s just racist.” We leaned in, reading the description. “The male lies down on his chosen one—what the fuck is this website?”

“Maybe we should start with some more basic stuff. Like Reverse Cowgirl and easier,” Katherine suggested. “There,” she said, pointing at the search results. “Click that article from Cosmo.”

Amelia opened it and started scrolling.

“Hmm, the Hobby Horse looks fun,” I said, encouraged by something that actually looked within the laws of gravity. I burst out laughing. “Is that actually called the Clitosaurus? I can’t!”

“Who knew there were so many cowgirl options?” Amelia asked. “Regular, Reverse, The Hot Seat, Slow Burn—oh my God. The Pinocchio! Look—you get on your toes and bounce.”

“I don’t think I’d like to have sex in a position named to insinuate you fuck a beloved Disney character’s nose,” Katherine said.

I frowned. “There are too many to choose from, and they’re all so ridiculous. I can’t suggest to Sam that we do the Thigh Master. Or the Bucking Bronco. Or the Squeeze Box.” I leaned in a little. “Okay, that one actually looks kind of fun, and it gets bonus points for the clever name, but still. How am I supposed to pick? And how many?”

Katherine moved back to the whiteboard, uncapping her marker again. “Well, let’s think about this methodically. You should probably experience you on bottom and you on top, plus a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm.”

My frown deepened. “But this isn’t about me, not exactly. Not like that. I’m not doing this for the orgasms. If he can give them to me, that’d be a bonus.”

One of Katherine’s dark eyebrows rose. “If?”

I sighed. “You know what I mean. Shouldn’t my objective be about driving him crazy? I mean, I can’t learn how to make a guy have sex with me better. That’s kind of up to him. Right?”

Katherine’s face pinched in thought, but it was Amelia who spoke.

“Maybe you should just ask Sam. Isn’t that the whole idea? Who better to tell you how to drive a guy crazy than an actual guy with an actual penis?”