Out of Breath (Breathing, #3)(98)

‘Feeling any better?’ he asked, his silver-blue eyes focused on mine, trying to see inside. I didn’t look away to hide my conflicted emotions. I let him in.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ I said, tucking my hands under the pillow. ‘I want to see them so bad. But I’m afraid it will make things worse. I need to think about it.’

‘Okay,’ he said quietly. I could tell there was so much more he wanted to say.

‘You want to tell me to do it, don’t you?’ I prodded. ‘That seeing Leyla and Jack is the right thing to do, and that there’s nothing I could do that would hurt them more than ignoring this letter and staying out of their lives.’

A grin crept across Evan’s face. ‘Didn’t have to tell you that, did I?’ He laughed when I reluctantly smiled. ‘Either you’re really good at reading my mind, or you already knew what you wanted to do.’

‘Okay, you can stop talking now,’ I admonished, trying my best to stifle a smile. ‘But I really don’t want to cry any more. It’s so exhausting.’

Evan laughed. ‘I understand. But I’m here if you need to.’

‘Thanks.’ I smiled gently. ‘And if you ever need to cry …’

Evan started laughing. Evidently, the thought of me consoling him was comical.

‘What?! You don’t cry?’ I shot back, shoving his shoulder.

‘Have you ever seen me cry?’ he asked with an oversized smile.

‘Once,’ I answered automatically. His grin faltered and we stared at each other, lost in the memory of that night. The night in the meadow under the stars. The night we asked each other for forgiveness. The night I gave him everything.

I held my breath, unable to look away from the intensity in his eyes.

‘Yeah, once,’ I murmured, still connecting with her, refusing to look away. My eyes drifted towards her lips and my heartbeat picked up its pace.

Her eyes were wide and uncertain.

I was about to lean towards her when she asked, ‘Will you do something with me tomorrow?’

Her voice caught me by surprise, and I eased back, trying to calm my pulse. ‘Whatever you want.’

‘Will you help me pick out a surfboard and a wetsuit?’

I couldn’t have smiled any bigger. ‘I’d love to.’

We continued talking about surfing until her lids got heavy, and eventually didn’t open again. Reaching over her, I shut off the light. I was about to crawl off the bed when her hand grabbed my arm. She didn’t say anything, just rolled over sleepily and wrapped my arm across her stomach – and didn’t let go. I tucked in behind her and held her against me, breathing her in until I fell asleep.

I shivered and reached for the blanket, but there wasn’t one. I opened my eyes and blinked in the dark. I could hear breathing behind me and felt the pressure of Evan’s body along my back, our hands intertwined. I slipped my fingers out carefully and eased off the bed to use the bathroom and get a drink of water.

I walked cautiously in the direction of where I thought the bathroom was, feeling blindly along the wall. I eventually pushed the door open, and shut it behind me before clicking on the light.

As I brushed my teeth, I considered whether I should sleep on the far side of that large bed, so we weren’t so close.

He’d considered kissing me twice tonight, and I’d almost let him. But I’d gotten scared and backed away. There was still so much pain between us. It was easy to forget in these vulnerable moments when we found ourselves drawn to each other.

So why is he in your bed, Emma? I looked at myself in the mirror, sighed, and filled a glass from the vanity tray before walking back into the bedroom.

When I opened the bathroom door, Evan suddenly shot up in bed. ‘Emma?’ My breath faltered at the sudden movement.

‘Evan? Are you okay?’ My heart raced as I took in his rigid posture.

He appeared confused. ‘Em?’

‘I’m right here,’ I said to him, gripping the glass tightly as I stood within the frame of the door. He’d had a nightmare. It was strange seeing it from this side, panic followed by confusion and heavy breathing. Then, with the realization of where he was, his shoulders slouched in relief.

‘Sorry,’ he said, as I remained unmoving, my hand on the light switch.

‘It’s okay,’ I assured him quietly. ‘Do you mind turning on the light next to the bed so I can shut off the bathroom light?’ The lamp clicked on, and I noticed his hand trembling when he removed it from the switch.

I shut off the bathroom light and got back in bed. He moved over and lay on his back, his arm resting across his forehead. I continued to watch him. His chest rose and fell as he struggled to recover.

‘What was it about?’ I asked, knowing it was a question I never answered.

‘You,’ he whispered.

It slipped through my mouth, and as soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. I turned my head towards her, and she remained perfectly still. Now I needed to explain. ‘It’s a little different each time. But in some way, you’re always gone. And I wake up in a panic.’

She looked as if I’d crushed the air out of her. ‘Don’t, Em. Don’t blame yourself for this too.’

‘But … how can I not?’ she murmured. ‘You wake up from a nightmare each night because of what I did to you. How can I not feel it’s my fault?’