Our Stop(64)

‘Savva what?’ Nadia said.

‘?a va sans dire. It’s French. It means, “it goes without saying”.’

‘I have literally never heard that used in conversation in my life.’

‘A lot of people haven’t. But don’t you think it sounds classy? ?a va sans dire …’

Nadia cocked her head at him. She thought it sounded pretentious, and suddenly, in that moment, everything about him bothered her. His stupid phrase and his stupid jacket and his stupid kindness and honesty.

‘But like,’ she said, pushing the issue, ‘if a lot of people don’t know what it means, why say it?’

‘Because I like it,’ he countered. The barman held out the card machine and Eddie tapped his card against it.

‘But, wouldn’t you rather be clear in your communication? It’s like you’re using it to be deliberately confusing. So that people ask you what it means and you get to tell them.’

Eddie laughed, nonplussed by her tone. ‘What’s wrong with that? I get to teach them something.’

‘But it’s showing off.’

‘It’s not.’ That’s all he said. It’s not. And typically, that’s why Nadia had respected him: Eddie knew who he was and what his values were, and wasn’t swayed by what other people thought. And just like that Nadia went from desperate to hope and to try with this man beside her, to angry. Irrationally angry. She knew, frustratingly, that she was better than this. She knew, in the blood pumping through her pissed-off veins, that she had let herself down because she should have been honest with him. Should have told him that she did think of somebody else, was holding a part of herself back. She had continued to see this man because she had been lonely, and on some level thought this was all she was worth – an almost. She was so mad at herself! She knew, she fucking knew, that it was better to be alone than with the wrong guy. And she had tried with Eddie. Even if she hadn’t explicitly known he was the wrong guy, in her gut she knew he wasn’t the right one. Two months was enough to know. It was inconvenient to acknowledge that, but it was true.

Outside, Eddie said, ‘What is wrong with you?’ and Nadia turned to him and said, ‘You’re right, aren’t you? This isn’t working.’

Eddie’s mouth opened and closed. ‘Literally I tried to break up with you for your sake five minutes ago and you got me to give it another chance, and now you’re breaking up with me?’

Nadia looked at him. She felt like a grade A bitch. She hadn’t meant to string him along. She hadn’t meant any of this. She felt ashamed, then – ashamed to have acted less than her best self. It was at that moment that a familiar shape caught her eye, and even though Eddie was stood before her wanting a response, she was distracted. It’s Gaby! she thought. She was so relieved to see her. She’d last seen her outside of work at their Bellanger brunch, weeks ago – and Gaby had only stayed an hour before having to dash off somewhere else. She’d been working across at MI6 on a project lately too, so hadn’t even been around at the office. Even if Nadia couldn’t communicate what was happening she’d feel stronger and braver just from a hug. Nadia hung back from calling her name, though. Something wasn’t right.

Gaby was holding somebody’s hand behind her, and Nadia saw Emma come into view. They were out without her. Why would they be out without her? Instinctively Nadia took a step back into the doorway of the bar.

‘What are you doing?’ said Eddie, to which her only reply was, ‘Sssssshhhhhh!’

From under the awning of the restaurant, she watched her work best friend and in-real-life best friend, a heavy feeling settling in the pit of her stomach. They’ve ditched me, she thought. They’ve ditched me to hang out without me. Nadia felt humiliated – and also totally infantilized. She’d felt weird about them chatting with each other and how they knew things about each other more and more, as well as, well, not exactly ganging up on her, but definitely forming an allegiance together, acting like their own two-person army without her. Emma had outright lied to her earlier, saying she had a date. Nadia felt betrayed. And yet, she was mesmerized by watching what unfolded.

Gaby pulled Emma’s hand behind her, and spun around so that the two women were facing each other. Their noses pressed against one another. Wow, Nadia thought. They’re wasted. But it was only 6 p.m. Were they really drunk? And then they kissed. Not politely, or like friends, but full-on hands-in-each-other’s-hair open-mouthed snogged. Emma pulled away and laughed with her head tipped back, and Gaby put a hand on the back of her neck and sort of ruffled her, smiling.

‘Fuck,’ Nadia said, out loud. ‘They’re not drunk – they’re in love.’

Eddie crouched down next to her. ‘Isn’t that—’

‘Yeah,’ Nadia said, watching them walk down the street until they disappeared, holding on to each other the whole time.

‘Fuck me,’ said Nadia, bewildered.

‘You didn’t know?’ Eddie said.

Nadia stood back up, all the way, glancing one last time in the direction her two friends had gone. ‘I didn’t know,’ she said.

Eddie nodded, concerned. ‘Do you want a drink? One for the road?’

Nadia looked at him. This man, who even after she had picked a fight and been rude and mean, even after she had effectively wasted two months of his life, making out like she could love him when she’d known all along, if she was going to be really honest, that she wouldn’t – even if she tried really hard! – was, as ever, upholding the very tenets of gentlemanly behaviour that would make him the perfect catch for somebody else.