Our Stop(63)

Eddie closed the drinks menu again, without ordering, and said, ‘I want to say something. And I don’t think you’re going to like it.’ He looked as though he was in pain – his face was screwed up funny. Nadia had never seen him like this before.

‘Oh yeah?’ replied Nadia.

‘Yeah,’ said Eddie.

She looked at him expectantly.

‘I like you, Nadia. You know that, right? I liked you right from the moment you gave me a hard time when I sat down beside you that night.’

‘I like you too,’ Nadia said.

‘Well. You see, that’s the thing.’

Nadia creased her eyebrows together, struggling to follow.

‘I’m not sure that you do,’ Eddie said.

Nadia didn’t understand. Of course she liked him! They’d spent most of their spare time together for almost two months now. They laughed and cooked and did all the things that couples do. She thought he was fun! A fun, nice guy!

‘Why on earth would you think I don’t like you?’ Nadia said, bewildered.

Eddie stumbled over his words. ‘Maybe I didn’t say that properly. I mean, of course you like me. But I mean – sometimes it feels like you’re … distant.’

‘Distant?’

‘Distant. Like you’re with me, but your mind is somewhere else. I feel like we get on, and have a nice time, but I always thought … I supposed I always thought being with somebody would feel different, you know? Deeper, somehow. I feel like what we have here, it’s fun, and it works, but it’s not …’

‘Deep?’

‘… Yeah.’

Nadia didn’t miss a beat. She knew what this meant. She knew by the way he hadn’t actually taken off his coat, now she thought about it, that he was breaking up with her.

‘So this is it?’ she said.

Eddie shrugged. ‘I didn’t mean for it to be. But I’ve been thinking about it – I can’t lie. I feel like I’ve kind of put it all out there, Nadia – given you all of me, and I don’t get all of you back. It’s a bit embarrassing.’

Nadia reached out to touch his arm. ‘But babe,’ she said. ‘I told you. My ex, he was … I’m trying, okay? I’m really happy with you.’

Eddie narrowed his eyes at her, as if trying to read the spaces between her words. ‘But could you be happier? With somebody else? Because …’

He wasn’t finishing any of his sentences properly. ‘Because you think that you could be?’ Nadia supplied, and Eddie nodded.

Nadia didn’t know what to think. There wasn’t a huge bodily reaction to what Eddie was saying – she didn’t want to throw up, or cry. But her ego was bruised by it. Because what he was saying was that she wasn’t enough. And all her old doubts and insecurities flooded back to her, about how she was never enough, about how no man ever truly wanted her, how she wasn’t as easy to love as other women.

‘I don’t know what to say.’

Eddie half smiled. ‘I guess what I wanted to know is: is there somebody else? Or, do you wish there was? Because I don’t feel like enough for you.’

He didn’t feel like he was enough for her? But wasn’t he saying she was the one lacking? Before she spoke, her tummy did a little leap as she thought: Train Guy. Those notes back and forth that there had been, the anticipation she’d had – it had been exciting. But it was nothing – Eddie was an actual real person, whom she’d talked to directly and slept with and made plans with. She wanted more time to decide, was all. Needed more time to fall for him. She could, if she tried. She was sure she could.

‘There’s nobody else, of course there isn’t!’ Nadia said. ‘Eddie, I’m having a really great time with you.’

Eddie nodded. ‘Okay then,’ he said. ‘Well, I’ve told you how I feel.’

‘So what now?’

‘So, let’s go home, and eat, and keep enjoying this.’

‘Even though you think you’d be happier with somebody else?’

Eddie looked at her. ‘I guess I just wanted some reassurance, is all,’ he said. ‘I’m falling for you, Nadia.’

Nadia took a breath. He was falling for her. She was enough. That felt good to hear. She needed him to fall for her. She needed to know for sure that she was enough. And she’d feel the same soon. Time. She just needed time.

‘So … we’re going to keep doing … this?’ she said.

‘If you want to,’ Eddie replied, and Nadia did. She really, truly, desperately wanted to feel as deeply as Eddie did. She wanted to fall for this good, good man. She wanted to make him happy. She wanted to be happy herself.

‘Let’s pay and go,’ she said, reaching for her bag. ‘I just need to find my card.’ She rooted around for her wallet, lost in the depths of her navy leather bag. She felt the edges of a plastic rectangle. ‘Got it,’ she said, triumphantly. She half wondered why her card wasn’t in her wallet and when she fished it out she saw why. It wasn’t her card. It was the card from that night – the one that said D E WEISSMAN. She’d forgotten she had that – his card from that night. She dropped it back into her bag like it was on fire, and Eddie said. ‘I can get it, babe. ?a va sans dire.’