Our Kind of Cruelty(86)

‘Because Verity had told me not to let him in.’

‘Why do you think she said that?’

‘She said she didn’t want either of us getting hurt.’

‘Either of you?’

‘Yes.’

‘So what made you open the door then?’

I thought back to those minutes in the kitchen. ‘It’s hard to explain. Lots of people have shouted at me in my life and I wanted him to stop.’

‘What do you feel about the fact that you killed Mr Metcalf?’

I looked at my hands and it still felt unreal that they had ended another person’s life. ‘I feel devastated,’ I said, remembering the word Xander wanted me to use. ‘Of course I wanted Verity to leave him, but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him.’

And that is the truth. Or maybe the real truth is that I didn’t care what happened to Angus. I don’t think you really cared either, V, although I know you didn’t want him dead. I don’t think either of us really cares what happens to anyone apart from you and me. I don’t wish death on others, but at the same time there are so many pointless people out there, so many disposable lives. Our truth is nothing stranger than that we need no one else; you and I are all there is.

‘What was it like when Verity was ill after you left university? When she took anti-depressants?’

I could feel your eyes on me, V, and I’m sorry but I had to play the line here, even though we both know it’s not what I meant. We both know I loved that time. ‘It wasn’t nice, but we got through it.’

‘I believe you learnt how to meditate in order to help her?’

‘Yes, it’s a useful skill.’

‘Would you say you are a naturally calm person, Mr Hayes?’

‘I think so.’

‘And how about the descriptions others have given of you being a bit of a loner, an outsider, hard to make friends with, but very loyal.’

I nodded. ‘I think all that is true. I did have a hard childhood, but I was also very lucky to be taken on by Elaine and Barry, who taught me that there are good people out there. Maybe I did love Verity too much, like her mother said, but also I’m not sure what that means. I do love her. And she loves me.’

Xander nodded and it felt like we were all breathing more heavily. ‘Mr Hayes, I am very interested in your take on the game, the Crave, you played with Mrs Metcalf during your relationship.’

‘It’s hard to explain to outsiders. It was just as Verity said. We’d go to a bar and I’d hang back so a man could approach her and then I’d go over and break it up.’

‘Mrs Metcalf testified that it aroused you both. Is that true?’

‘Yes.’

‘I believe sometimes you had sex afterwards in the bars or clubs where these events took place.’

‘Yes, we did.’

Xander walked towards the jury. ‘And did you always enjoy these nights?’

‘Yes. If Verity was happy then so was I.’

‘How do you feel now you know that she was lying to you about being curious about having sex with a woman, when in fact she’d had a lesbian relationship already?’

‘It doesn’t matter,’ I said, and it doesn’t, V.

‘And what about the Kitten Club. What did you feel about that?’

After your testimony, V, when Xander and I were talking about whether or not you’d lied about how many times we had been to the Kitten Club, and I said it had only been once, there was something about the way he said the word ‘Shame’ which made me finally understand what all this is about for these idiots who are not us. It unlocked the problem for me, made me see a way out of the mess. Give them what they want and they will all go away.

Yes, V, you and I will have to sacrifice a few years of our lives because this world isn’t ready yet to appreciate love in its purest, most simple form. This world deals in violence and lies, deceit and deception. It cannot see purity even when it is placed in front of its nose, choosing instead to turn away and scoff. Well, let them. We don’t care, do we, V? We are so much more than that.

That is the reason I did what I did next.

‘I enjoyed it,’ I said. ‘We both did.’

Xander looked up, as if he hadn’t heard me correctly and his voice shook slightly when he next spoke. But I recognised the shake, it was one of desire; it was the sound of someone getting what they want. ‘But I thought Mrs Metcalf said you only went once? And you didn’t take part?’

I kept my voice steady. ‘We went a few times. And we did take part.’

Xander almost smiled. ‘You took part in orgies? You and Mrs Metcalf?’

‘Yes.’

You cried out at this point, V; the tears gushed from your eyes, the eagle bouncing up and down with your heartbeat.

‘Can you tell the court what you did?’ Xander asked, almost licking his lips.

Momentarily I lost my nerve. I wanted to ignore the greater good and stop the pain at that second. I stood up, my eyes locked on yours. ‘Forgive me, V,’ I shouted. ‘It’s for the best, I promise. I love you.’

You opened your mouth but the only sounds were those of your sobs.

Petra stood up. ‘This has to stop, my lord.’

‘Your defendant cannot address Mrs Metcalf,’ Judge Smithson said. ‘Unless he wants to be found in contempt of court.’