One of the Girls(53)
‘I hate that he could still make me feel afraid, even now. I thought I was stronger than this.’
‘You are strong, Fen, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also be vulnerable. You don’t have to be one thing all of the time.’
The cicadas filled the silence.
‘That photo of you in the villa … why did you hide it away?’
‘You saw?’
Robyn nodded.
‘It was taken the evening I met Nico. I can’t look at the girl I was then without hearing his voice. Seeing her as he saw me. Disgusting. It was an echo of everything I’d heard from my parents …’
‘Oh, Fen.’
‘So I hid the photo. Hid the shame.’ She shook her head. ‘That hiding, though, it gave him power again. And it’s crazy because I know the things he said to me aren’t true. I’ve done the work, y’know? What happened forced me to look myself in the eye. I had to overcome body hang-ups. Self-worth issues. Get my exercise habits in check – because I went from doing almost nothing to overcooking it, using it as an escape.’ She hugged her knees tighter to her chest. ‘Then I come back out to Greece, and suddenly all this shit rears its head again. And I’m angry – furious at myself for not feeling the way I want to feel.’ She shook her head sharply, agitated. ‘Sorry. I doubt that makes any sense.’
Robyn smiled. ‘More than you know.’
Fen raised her head, eyes locking on Robyn.
There was a shift in the air between them.
‘You know, when I confronted him – I thought about you standing on the rock at the swimming hole. How you’d deliberated – but then leapt anyway.’ She paused. ‘Why did you jump?’
Robyn thought for a moment. ‘Because I’m starting to wonder if the things I’m afraid of are the very things I should be doing.’
As Fen looked at her in the darkness, Robyn felt that slender, beating sensation at her centre, warming her like a flame.
45
Eleanor
Eleanor rode in the back of the taxi, sandwiched between Bella and Lexi. The air smelled of warmed perfume, alcohol, and the faint hint of olive oil caught in the fabric of their clothes. She could feel the heat of Lexi’s bare arm against her own. As the taxi rounded a bend, Bella swayed into Eleanor, head lolling.
In the front seat, Ana was talking in a low voice to the driver, their conversation mellowed by the drone of the air conditioning. Eleanor wondered if this was what it would be like to have a group of girlfriends, a band of women to go out dancing with, or whom you could call on the weekend because you were feeling glum, or who you’d meet for a mid-week dinner as you had nothing in the fridge.
She felt the gentle slope of the mountain road, the change in terrain as tarmac switched to dust and gravel, ascending towards the villa. She was sorry the journey was over.
Ana paid the fare with money from the kitty.
Arm hooked through Bella’s, Lexi crossed the drive, saying, ‘Thanks for organising everything today. The boat, the meal out – it’s all been perfect.’
Bella swayed lightly against her, espadrilles dangling from a fingertip. ‘Sorry I made you go bar-hopping pregnant. I’m a shitty maid of honour. I even packed a veil,’ she said, pulling it from her sequinned clutch with a small flourish. ‘I was going to make you wear it, but I drank too many tequilas.’
Lexi took the veil from her, slotting the comb of it into her hair. She twirled on the spot, the veil lifting around her shoulders like a ghostly shroud. ‘If you’ve got a pink sash or L-plates stuffed in your handbag, now is your chance.’
Eleanor watched, sensing that Lexi was making up for her slip with the wedding dress.
Bella laughed, saying, ‘That’s all the hen paraphernalia I could fit in my carry-on bag.’
Lexi threaded her arms around Bella’s neck and kissed her tenderly on the forehead. ‘Good night,’ she said, then slipped into the villa, quietly ascending the stairs in her veil.
Eleanor walked with Bella and Ana onto the terrace, which was bathed in moonlight. Bella paused by the low seating area, taking in the empty beer bottles and the soft lantern light.
‘Looks like the early birds got a second wind,’ Eleanor noted, a touch unhelpfully, she had to admit.
Bella pursed her lips. ‘I’m going to bed.’
Eleanor almost felt guilty as she watched Bella limp into the villa, shoulders rounding.
‘Nightcap?’ Ana asked.
It had become their evening ritual on the hen weekend, a final drink shared on the terrace while the air was still cool and the volume of the other hens had been lowered. She fancied one more drink to ease her towards sleep, make sure she drifted off. Yet she could hardly sit out here with Ana after learning Ed was the father of her child. ‘No, thank you,’ she said primly.
‘Thought you never slept before one o’clock?’
It was true. Eleanor was dooming herself to lying on the mattress, locked in a cycle of dark thoughts. No, she didn’t fancy that one little bit. Maybe she would have one more drink. Anyway, she needed to work out what Ana was up to. ‘Go on, then.’
Ana smiled, a wide genuine smile, and Eleanor thought, It’s such a shame you’re lying to us all, because I liked you. Eleanor had let herself imagine a friendship with Ana that stretched beyond the hen weekend. She’d pictured the two of them sharing a pew at the wedding. Ana would have squeezed her hand in silent acknowledgement that the wedding would be hard because of Sam, and Eleanor would’ve smiled stoically. So many fantasies, so quickly built, and so quickly lost.