One of the Girls(36)
She’d announced the yacht trip over breakfast, telling the others, ‘Pack your swimwear and sunscreen. We’re going on an excursion!’
She adored surprises. She would never understand people who rolled their eyes at the thought of them. What, they didn’t like that little kick of anticipation? The sense of letting go? Lighten up!
When the yacht had sailed into their bay, it was even more exquisite than she’d imagined with its varnished wooden hull parting the clear turquoise waters. The six of them had been waiting on the shore, beach bags hooked over their shoulders, sunscreen scenting the air. Lexi had gasped. ‘Is that for us?’
‘Sure is. We’re sailing off into the big blue to snorkel and sunbathe.’
Lexi had thrown her arms around Bella, hugging her so tightly that she’d left behind an imprint of sunscreen on Bella’s dress.
This was going to be a good day, Bella decided, turning her face into the sun. After last night’s disastrous quiz she needed to get the hen party back on track – and this was the way to do it.
Yannis, their ageing captain, wore a crumpled shirt unbuttoned to the navel, his tanned face peppered with greying stubble. He pointed towards a tiny islet to the east. ‘Beautiful snorkelling there.’ He steered the yacht into the wind and sea spray lifted over the bow, soaking Bella’s bare legs.
Cowed by the breaking waves, Bella picked her way carefully along the side of the yacht. Fen was sitting at the stern, her body turned towards the water, chin resting on her hands. She was wearing cut-offs and a loose vest, the fabric billowing in the breeze. Bella couldn’t see her eyes behind her sunglasses, but sensed she was lost in the spaciousness of the moment. She stopped herself from climbing on Fen’s lap.
Bella always loved company, noise, a good dose of chaos. Whenever she returned to her empty flat, she’d switch on the radio or television, then throw open a window so she could hear the outside world buzzing by. A chat with Alexa wasn’t out of the question. Maybe it was a product of growing up in a big family. Her mother said the only way she could get Bella to sleep as a baby was by putting her Moses basket on the lounge table, amidst the chatter and chaos and blare of the television. ‘You’ve always needed to be at the centre of things.’
But not Fen. Baby-Fen probably fell asleep in a quiet room with blackout blinds and sound-proofed walls. Adult-Fen didn’t even own a television (quite how she functioned in the modern world was still part mystery to Bella).
‘You okay?’ she asked, perching beside her, their thighs brushing. What she really meant was, Are we okay?
Last night she’d woken to find Fen’s side of the bed empty. Bella had gone to the window and spotted Fen standing alone on the dark terrace, staring over the low wall towards the boneyard of rocks below. There was something perturbing about her stillness out there in the middle of the night. Pulling a T-shirt on, Bella had padded down to check on her, but Fen had crossed her on the stairs, insisting she was fine. Just getting some air.
Now Fen echoed that response again. ‘I’m fine.’ She smiled lightly. The wind had fingered her short hair, so it stood up at the roots.
‘What are you thinking?’ Oh God. Had she really asked that? Such a sappy, needy question.
‘Just how nice it is to be on the water, I guess.’
Of course that wasn’t what Fen was really thinking – but what could Bella say? I don’t believe you! Tell me what you’re really thinking! She had some pride. ‘Maybe next summer we could come back. Stay for longer. Even if the villa’s been sold, we could find somewhere else. I love this island.’
Fen smiled but said nothing.
Bella felt the lurch of dread: there wasn’t going to be a next summer. That’s what Fen was thinking. Wasn’t it? All weekend they’d been carefully skirting the subject of what had happened at the airport, as if some tacit agreement had been made to not discuss it until they returned home.
It was Sue’s fault. Sue and her big mouth. Was it impossible to go to an airport without bumping into someone from your past? Bella had known Sue since they’d worked nights together at Royal Bournemouth Hospital. She could be warm and funny, but also fantastically gossipy.
‘Wave and walk,’ Bella had whispered to Fen when Sue began steering her luggage trolley towards them.
But Sue was fast. She’d pounced on Bella, clutching her arm. ‘Bella! It’s been so long!’
‘Oh. Sue. Hi. Great to see you. But, listen – we’re running late for our flight, so—’
‘I won’t hold you up. It’s so good to lay eyes on you again! We all miss you! And I just want you to know, Bella,’ she went on, lowering her voice, ‘we were all so sorry about what happened.’
And then Fen, in her straightforward, unmasked way, had asked: ‘What happened?’
There it was. The question laid so straightforwardly that Bella had no choice but to answer.
She had watched Fen’s expression cloud with confusion, colour draining from her face.
It wasn’t that Bella had intended to keep secrets from Fen. It was just that she’d got so used to lying that it felt like the truth.
27
Fen
Fen felt the crest and fall of the waves. She wanted to close her eyes, drink in the sensations – but Bella was talking to her, her voice fast and bright, fingers squeezing at her arm. She used to find Bella’s habit of touching whoever she was talking with endearing, as if her excitement and warmth bubbled out of her body, unstoppable. This morning, though, she needed space.