One of Those Faces (80)

“No, I feel bad enough. I’ll take the couch,” I protested, gripping the pillow under his arm.

“Absolutely not.” He laughed. “I’m not leaving you to deal with my crazy roommates and their questions alone out there.”

I released the pillow. “Well, I can’t take the bed. I don’t want it.”

He rolled his eyes. “Here’s a compromise. You take the bed. I’ll take the floor.”

“That’s worse than the couch, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s good for my back. And you’re taking the bed no matter what,” he emphasized. He grabbed a couple of smaller blankets folded on the edge of the bed and let them fall to the floor. “But try not to step on my head when you get up to pee in the middle of the night.” He glanced at my clothes. “Do you want to change?”

I could still feel the taste of Wilder’s lips. “Yeah, actually, can I take a shower?”

“Of course.” He started for the closet. “I’ll get you something to wear.” He handed me a faded red Sacramento T-shirt and flannel PJ bottoms. “Please keep in mind that it’s a shared bathroom for three guys . . . so proceed with caution,” he said with a smile. “Take a right outside my door.”

Contrary to Danny’s warning, the bathroom was remarkably clean, especially compared to mine. I wanted more than anything to empty my mind, but the events of the day kept flooding my thoughts, switching from one betrayal to another until my head ached. I scrubbed every inch of skin until it was rubbed raw, shaking my head as the images flashed through my mind. I felt like my lungs were closing. I leaned against the tile with my hand, holding my head away from the stream of water until the breathlessness passed.

When I crept back into Danny’s room, he was already asleep, sprawled on the floor with his mouth open. He looked exactly like he did in Evanston, only with a couple more pounds and a few more lines around his eyes, marking all the laughs and fun he’d had since college. He was still that beautiful boy with the whole world waiting to open for him.

What did he think when he looked at me? Did he still see that small, shaking girl with bruises and cuts under her huge sweaters and long pants? Was I still that same girl?

I opened my bag and shoved my dirty clothes inside before zipping it closed. I turned off the light and tiptoed over Danny into the bed.

What had really changed since then? I was still scared. Still being used and bruised by the men I let into my life. That wasn’t fair, maybe. Iann had never raised a hand against me or even really raised his voice. But then again, maybe not all cuts and bruises were physical. Even though I couldn’t articulate what the Alayna revelation truly meant, it gnawed at me. It wasn’t only sadness. There was a pang of fear now.

I rolled onto my side and peered down at Danny, his chest quietly rising and falling. My body relaxed merely from being beside him. But I knew I had messed up running to him again. I was the most destructive force in his life. I needed him, but I was the thing tying him to a terrible part of his past. Maybe Iann would soon think of me in the same way.

I closed my eyes and recalled those pictures of Alayna. Maybe he already thought of me that way.

I didn’t remember falling asleep, but I heard movement near the foot of the bed and opened my eyes to a room warmed with sunlight coming in through the closed blinds. Danny’s back was turned to me as he stooped over the floor. “Danny?”

He whipped around. “Sorry, I was trying not to wake you up. You looked like you could use some sleep.”

I sat up and glanced at the clock. 7:04 a.m. “What are you doing?”

He stood up straight and kicked something to the side. “I was trying to roll up the blankets I used last night, but screw it. It’s staying a pile.”

My eyes focused on his blue sweater and khakis. “Are you getting ready for work?” I shook my head. “I’m so sorry, you must be exhausted.”

He pulled a jacket from his desk chair and slipped it onto one arm and then the other. “Believe it or not, that’s actually the most I’ve slept all week. Are you going to be okay today?”

I thought about the overwhelming mess of everything. The taped boxes piled at my apartment and the unpacked ones at Iann’s. “I think I have to go back to my place.”

He looked at me for a silent moment. “How does that work, you renting that place since the landlord is, uh . . . gone?”

“At least for now it’s okay, until they settle his estate. That’s what the police told me.” Besides, I didn’t have a real lease, nothing on paper. My stomach twisted at the thought of going back.

Danny sat down beside me on the bed. “You do whatever you need to, but you’re welcome to stay here for as long as you want.”

I didn’t have even the slightest clue of what I needed to do. I forced a grateful smile. “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”

“Do you want me to go back with you to your old place?”

I had the answer to my question from the night before. “No, I’m fine. It’s not a big deal.” My face grew hotter with embarrassment. I hadn’t changed at all. I was still that helpless little girl to Danny and everyone.

“God, Harper, it is a big deal.” He shook his head and stood up. “You almost . . .” He held my gaze and trailed off. “It’s fine if you want to stay here. In fact, I insist. At least until you find a new place.” I recognized the same frustration from years before in his narrowed eyes.