One Night on the Island(35)
Right. So that was an unambiguous order. I log into social media and find Ali wasn’t exaggerating all that much: there’s loads of buzz around our ‘social experiment’, as she’s billed it. My column and the photos from last week are splashed across the magazine’s official account. I can’t deny the ripple of professional pride that passes through me at being their most viewed and liked post, or the wave of pressure that follows right behind it. I read the comments for a couple of minutes and then click away from the page because the blood is starting to pound in my ears. This isn’t just my spiritual journey any more. Responsibility settles heavy on my shoulders. This isn’t a flighty experiment for column inches. It’s hopes and dreams, mine and a whole load of other people out there too.
My idle fingers tap the keys and, without really planning to, I’ve typed in Mack Sullivan and photographer and Boston. Oh shit. Okay. I’d kind of imagined there’d be dozens of hits that weren’t connected to the man staying in Otter Lodge, but there he is, top of the list. His website. His work. Sweet Mary, Mother of God. He’s actually amazing. I scroll through his latest exhibition images: I’ve never been to Boston but through the medium of film and Mack’s imagination, I feel as if I’m there now. I can smell the clam chowder and hear the roar of the Red Sox fans and I can imagine taking a Duck Boat tour on the Charles River. I click on to his portrait gallery and the images staring out at me stir my soul. Some are casual, his subjects caught in a moment, not even aware of his lens. Others are posed, with props, or close studies, explosions of character caught in the slightest of glances towards the camera. Emotion radiates from every pixel; he’s a true artist. I realize that, in a way, we’re kind of alike – he moves people with pictures the way I strive to with words.
‘Five to,’ Delta says, appearing around the edge of the partition. ‘Next customer’s waiting.’
Her eyes wander to the screen and I quickly close Mack’s website. I half wish I hadn’t logged on at all. Mack … the more I know of him, the more connected I feel to him, and that’s the last thing I need or want at this juncture. I’m adult enough to admit, privately and to no one else, that he’s an attractive man. He has shoulders made for carrying sandbags and his odd eyes cast magic when he looks at me. Even his clothes fit his body in a way that suggests they’re trying to contain dynamite. You know how deeply unsexy Simon Cowell’s jeans are? Pressed, bootleg, like he puts a brand-new pair on every day? Mack’s are the opposite; lived in and loved in, and they do that distracting low-rider thing on his hips. I kind of hate myself for acknowledging this stuff. I’ve tumbled into connections with unsuitable men for most of my life, and this one I know upfront to be married and still in love with his estranged wife. Maybe, if I’m painfully honest, the transparent way he loves is part of his appeal, even if it’s someone else. It’s demoralizing to know that if I wasn’t being so actively solo and self-focused just now, Mack might be another failed flamingo to add to my list. What bird would he be, I wonder? Eagles are the only American birds I can think of. I don’t need an eagle. They’re too grand and attention-seeking. I sigh, wishing I hadn’t looked at his website and found more to admire in him. Right. I have to take Ali’s advice and keep my attention where it needs to be. I need to step away from searching for someone else in favour of searching for myself. God, that sounds wanky even to my own ears. And seeing all of the social media coverage and interest has added a new layer of stress to everything. I have to get this right for more than just me now. Single ladies, I’m Beyoncé. Temporarily.
Mack is Mr Four O’clock. I find him halfway through a slab of Erin’s cake, his camera on the table beside his plate. He looks surprised to see me and I resist the urge to run back to the computer to double-check I closed his website.
‘Hi,’ I say. ‘It’s good, right?’
‘I’m not generally a coconut fan but this could change my mind.’ He glances across at the counter. ‘Delta suggested I bring some back for you,’ he says.
‘She did?’ I fix her with a ‘you’re busted’ look. She just laughs and shrugs her shoulders.
Mack pushes his chair back as he stands and gathers his stuff. ‘Better make the most of my hour,’ he says, heading for the computer station. ‘Video call with the boys.’
‘How much do I owe you for the cake?’ I say, shrugging my coat on as I approach the counter, digging through my pockets for my purse.
‘Depends,’ Delta says, then leans in to whisper. ‘Nothing, if you give me the lowdown on what’s going on between you and Han Solo.’ Her knowing eyes tell me she caught me googling him.
‘Honestly, there’s nothing to tell,’ I say, turning to casually check he’s out of earshot. ‘He’s technically married, and I’m working on myself. It’s just a weird situation we’ve found ourselves in. We’re trying to stay out of each other’s way and make the best of it.’
‘My idea of making the best of being stuck in a remote lodge with a hot man is different to yours, for sure,’ Delta says.
I glance down at her enormous baby bump and we both laugh quietly.
‘Point taken,’ she says.
‘I’m just not going there,’ I say. It’s not a lie. It’s too complicated and my heart isn’t up for a kicking from a married man.