On the Fence(56)

“I didn’t turn out right. I’m broken.”

“Oh, Charlie. No.”

“I found that book in your room. Carol, your ‘coworker.’”

His cheeks went red. “Baby, that’s just to help me talk to you about girl things. And I’m obviously not very good at it. I just wanted to do it right. To be what you needed. I know I’m not. I’m not your mom. She would’ve done it better.”

I grabbed his hand in mine so tightly. I wouldn’t cry again. “You did it right,” I choked. “You did it right.”

He took my face in his hands and kissed my forehead. “I must’ve done something right, because look at the amazing person you turned out to be. Confident, smart, athletic, and beautiful. I love you, kid.”

“Love you too.”

He brushed at my cheeks. “I need to get back to work. I’m going to call one of your brothers to come get you.”

“No. Dad. Please. I need to drive. I need to sit with this whole mom thing alone.”

He pulled his brows down low.

“Please. I’ll be careful. I won’t be long.”

He nodded. “I’ll send out an APB in an hour if you’re not home.”

I rolled my eyes, but then realized he was serious. “Or you could just call me.” I held up my cell phone. I knew he had one of those tracker things on my phone anyway, so it wasn’t like my location would be a secret.

He nodded. He’d send someone for me in an hour. So I’d have to make sure I was faster.

“Oh, and Charlie?” he said as I opened the door.

“Yeah?”

“You’re grounded until the party.”

I looked at the ad sitting on the console between us, crumpled into a ball. “I know. I’m sorry I lied to you.”

He smiled. The first one I’d seen since he picked me up. “We all make mistakes.”

I climbed out of his car and headed for mine. I glanced at Linda’s store, knowing I should go in and explain, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it in that moment. First I had somewhere else to be.



I stared at her headstone. I hadn’t visited her grave in over a year, so I thought maybe I’d remembered the wording wrong, but there it was, etched in stone: Loving Mother.

Anger surged through me. Those words seemed like the biggest lie in the world to me. If she was so loving, why did she do what she did? She was selfish. I kicked a rock and it ricocheted off her headstone.

I heard the crunch of gravel behind me.

“It hasn’t even been thirty minutes,” I said, irritated my dad couldn’t just give me an hour to think this through.

“He told me not to come yet, but I was worried.”

I turned toward Jerom. His face was full of concern.

I wasn’t only angry at my mom. I was angry at my brothers, too. They had kept this from me. “I’m fine.”

“Really?”

“No. I’m screwed up.”

“Charlie.” His voice was gruff. “Don’t do that. You are not screwed up. You have every right to be upset about this.”

“But you think I’m weak. It’s why you’re so protective of me. You think I’m on the verge of breaking.”

“No. You’re strong. Too strong, sometimes. You think you need to hold on to this all by yourself.” He put his arm around my shoulder and stared at the headstone with me. “Let us be here for you.”

“But that’s the thing. We’re not here for each other, are we? I thought we were the best family in the world, but you guys didn’t even tell me.”

“Dad tried. We just thought it would be better if we waited.”

“Until?”

He sighed, obviously frustrated too. “I don’t know. But, Charlie, this”—he pointed to my mom’s headstone—“isn’t our family. This is something that happened to our family. Our family was strong before this, and it’s still strong. Nothing has changed that.”

I read the phrase on her headstone over and over again. Loving Mother. “My whole life I thought she would’ve been my best friend. That she would’ve taught me all the things I needed to know about being a woman. And in a way, it made me resent Dad a little. That he couldn’t do it like she would’ve. And now I find out that she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to be my mom. I’m mad at her.”

He squeezed my shoulder and his breath hitched. I’d never seen my brother even come close to crying, so it surprised me. “You have every right to be.”

“I don’t know how to get over it.”

“You can only go through it.”



Sleep was my friend. I didn’t remember the last time I had slept so much. Especially since I hadn’t done anything active at all that day. I thought I would have the nightmare about my mom over and over, but I didn’t. I didn’t dream at all. A fogginess had settled into my head and I wanted to get lost in it.

My dad must’ve told my brothers to leave me alone, because no one bothered me for hours. A strip of sunlight had traveled up my body through the day and had finally found its way to my face. All I had to do was shut my curtains all the way to get rid of it, but I couldn’t find the energy to get up. I was so tired. Instead, I just pulled my pillow over my head.