Off the Deep End (76)

Everything stilled.

I was too afraid to breathe. To move. To speak.

Mark found his voice first. “Isaac, you don’t have to do this,” he said cautiously with each word measured, slow, and deliberate.

“I just want it to be over. I just want it to end, Dad,” he cried. “I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.”

“It can be over, Isaac, it can. You just need help. We have to get you some help.” Mark took a tentative step toward him. “That’s all, buddy. Just some help.”

Isaac shook his head in quick spastic jerks. “I’m not supposed to be on the planet. I’m just not. Everything in my life is a lie. All of it. There’s no meaning. No reason. It’s all wrong. All of it and there’s no fixing it. Nothing will ever make this better.” His face twisted with grief. The tears he’d been wrestling with worked their way down his cheeks.

“No, baby. No, honey, don’t say those things,” Jules interrupted, cooing baby and honey in a sickeningly sweet voice like you’d say to a lover. “We’re both miracles. Remember? You taught me that. That’s why our lives were spared. We have a purpose and a plan. It’s why we’re still here. You know that. We’ve talked about it so many times.”

He kept forcibly shaking his head while she talked. “Nononono. There’s no reason. None. You were right. You were always right. I should’ve listened to you from the very beginning.”

“You know the reasons we’re alive and together, baby. Nobody else has to understand as long as we do. As long as we have each other. That’s all that matters. You don’t have to do this. Everything’s going to be okay.” She opened her arms and motioned for him to fall into them like she was a mother bird who would cover him with her wings. “We can figure things out. We can make this work. I love you.”

But instead of stepping into her, he stepped away from her, onto the edge of the barely frozen lake. The thin ice cracked underneath the pressure of his weight. His feet slipped into the icy water. He winced as the water slogged over his shoes.

“You’re a forty-one-year-old woman. I’m fifteen.” He said it like he was disgusted with himself. “Did you really think we were going to run off and be together?”

She opened her mouth and closed it. Twice. Her eyes grew wide. Had she been thinking that this whole time? Patiently biding her time and waiting for him to contact her, thinking that they’d run off into the sunset and start a new life together? I watched how his words affected her and realized that’s exactly what she thought. She reached behind her like she needed something to steady herself, but there was nothing there. For a split second, I almost felt sorry for her, until she spoke.

“But you’ve always known that, and it’s never mattered,” she cried. “The normal rules of society don’t apply to us. Age means nothing when you’re talking about real love. You can’t help who you love. You just can’t.” She listed off her rationalizations like they were a mental list she went through and kept track of. She probably had to just so that she could sleep at night.

“None of that’s true.” He stubbornly shook his head.

“What about everything you said to me? How you felt? I know you weren’t lying to me. You couldn’t have been. Your feelings were real. You felt it too. I know you did. You said you did. You’re just confused, honey.”

“I was lying.” A strange smile curled into his face. His eyes went dark. He motioned to me. “My mom’s right, you know. You’re a crazy bitch.”

She recoiled like he’d slapped her. She brought her hand up to her face like she was searching for the mark. “Baby, don’t say that. You always say hurtful things when you’re mad. I understand how upset you are, but you don’t have to be so mean.”

“You don’t understand anything. You’re so lost you have no idea what’s going on.” He let out a laugh, but there was no life behind it. It was empty and cold just like the expression taking over his face. “You actually think bringing a baby into this sick world is a good idea? I hope my sperm turns to poison inside you.” He spit out the words like venom, then quickly flipped the gun around and pointed it at her.

Jules stumbled backward, stunned. Before she had a chance to say or do anything, Mark jumped in front of her and spread his arms out wide, stretching himself across her body. “Son, don’t. Enough. This has to end.”

“Move out of the way, Dad,” Isaac begged in a strangled voice as he tried to keep the gun steady.

Mark shook his head. “You’re not going to hurt anyone else today, do you hear me? Nobody else gets hurt.” He took a step away from Jules and a step closer to Isaac. “I want you to put the gun down. Just put the gun down. Give it to me, son.” Isaac looked at him like he didn’t recognize him and turned the gun back on himself. He pointed it at his chest.

My entire body thrummed with the need to move, but I forced myself to be still. Jules cried quietly behind Mark, covering her face in her hands while her shoulders shook with sobs.

“You’re not going to do that, either, do you hear me? You can’t do that to yourself. You know why?” Mark still hadn’t taken his eyes off Isaac. “Who is going to eat at Bare Burgers with me and throw bottle rockets over the Lion’s Gate at all the jet boners if you’re gone?”