Neat (Becker Brothers, #2)(75)

Neither of my brothers could look at me then, and I took their eyes being glued to the carpet as an answer. Mom had peeked out of the kitchen, and the look in her eyes when I turned around was so heartbreaking, I couldn’t hold it together any longer. I swiped my laptop off the kitchen table and barreled outside, not bothering to grab a jacket. I needed space, and fresh air, and to not have anyone’s pitiful stare on me for a while.

Of course, I should have known better with my family. It didn’t take long before Jordan and Mikey walked outside and sat on the porch with me. Jordan handed me my jacket, and I tugged it on without looking at him, keeping my attention on the laptop. They let me stew for a little while longer, but then my little brother got up from the rocking chair he sat in, flipped my laptop lid shut, and forced me to look at him.

“We’re sorry,” he said, leveling his hazel eyes with my own. We both favored Mom, and sometimes, when I looked at him, I saw a younger version of me. “I’m saying that on behalf of all of us. But you should know that we love you, and we would never judge you. Not even if you robbed a bank and tried to get away in a go-kart.”

I sighed, smile tugging at the corner of my lips. “I know. I’m sorry, too. I just… I don’t know how to handle all of this. I hate feeling anything negative, and right now, I’m drowning in everything negative.”

“I know the feeling,” he said, and Jordan and I exchanged glances.

Our little brother had been battling a broken heart for months, and here he was, ready to go to war for mine.

That was the Becker way.

Mikey pulled his rocking chair over so he could face me, and Jordan leaned against the porch railing, quiet for now.

“I didn’t realize it until Noah got with Ruby Grace, until Bailey broke up with me, maybe not even until just now, when you said what you did inside, but…” Mikey shrugged. “I think we’re all looking for what Mom and Dad had. And if I’m being honest, I think we’re wasting our time.”

Jordan shifted his weight, but kept quiet, watching our little brother as he continued.

“I don’t know what happened between you and Mallory, but I can tell you now, if it’s over?” He shook his head. “Just let it be over. Find a way to let her go. I know it feels impossible. Trust me — I’m still holding on to a girl who tossed me aside so easily, I got whiplash. But, the more time that passes, the more I see that… well… maybe the kind of love Mom and Dad had really is so rare that not everyone can find it. Noah did, and I love that for him. But, I don’t know… maybe it’s not in the cards for all of us.”

My throat tightened, the grip so tight I couldn’t swallow past it.

“That’s probably not what you want to hear,” he said. “But, it’s what I believe to be true. And you know, there’s more to life than love. We can find joy in other things, you know? Our careers, our family, our hobbies. Travel. Maybe live in a new city, a new place that doesn’t have the same weight as this town always has for us.”

He swallowed at that, and I narrowed my eyes, because if there was one thing our family always agreed on — it was that our place was in Stratford. We had a legacy here, and we would fight to keep it. But the way Mikey was talking, it was like he wanted to be free of it all. In a way, I guessed I couldn’t blame him.

“You forget that I lost my career,” I pointed out.

“No, you didn’t,” Jordan said from where he stood. “You lost a promotion, but that’s all. And who knows, maybe Mallory will crash and burn and they’ll have no choice but to give the job to you.”

“Or to a rookie, since they seem hell bent on keeping Beckers out of leadership,” I argued.

“Maybe,” Jordan conceded with a shrug. “But, that’s the fight we all knew we’d be in, right? When Dad died, when that company covered it up and made it seem like an accident, even though we know there’s something more to it… we all agreed to keep Dad’s memory alive in this town, in our own ways. You and Noah and Mikey knew going into jobs at the distillery that it wouldn’t be easy, but you’re still there. And you’re going to tell me that because of one setback, you’re ready to quit? To leave it all behind?”

I blinked, shaking my head as my gaze fell to the chipping wood planks of the porch. “I don’t want to quit.”

“Then don’t.”

I nodded, letting their words settle over me. They were both right, of course — another annoying trait of the Becker family. When one of us lost our cool, we found it hard to see clearly, but the rest of the crew was always right there to help light the way back to rationality.

When we fell, we fell hard. When we loved, we loved with all we had. When we fought, we fought until we dropped. And when one of us was knocked down, the whole team stopped everything to get them back on their feet.

That was the Becker way.

I sighed, deciding in that moment that there was nothing more to say. Jordan was right, there was no way I was going to walk away from the distillery. If anything, I reckoned that was what Patrick wanted me to do — and I’d be damned if I’d give him what he wanted. I was there to stay — even if it would suffocate me to see Mallory in that job every day.

And as for what I felt for her, maybe Mikey was right about that. Maybe what I thought we had, what I desired from her, from us… maybe it didn’t actually exist. She had ties to her family, and I had ties to mine, and for that reason alone, it didn’t make sense that we would ever be together. I’d lived in the apartment above that shop with her in a secret hideaway, a place where we could pretend we were someone different, that what we had could last.