My Maddie (Hades Hangmen #8)(9)

“He fears being a father. I know this. For reasons I will not share, having a baby… it will be a major trigger for him, possibly the biggest he could face. One I am not sure he can cope with at any time, but especially of late.” I thought of his fingers tracing his scars, his nails digging into his wrist as we sat by the fire. I was not even sure if he knew he was doing it, but I had noticed. I was neither na?ve nor stupid. I may not have had an education or an upbringing that challenged women to think beyond our strict faith. But I knew the demons both Flame and I lived with had merely been abated by our union, not exorcized. Love was a powerful remedy, but it was not a cure for some scars. They ran too deep. They were incurable. We had simply learned to live with our demons harnessed, sharing when the burden of dire thoughts became too great. I did not think Flame had understood why he was beginning to show old behaviors.

I believed it was because of Ash. I knew Flame was worried about his brother—as I was—but he did not know how to express it or even acknowledge it. When on top of Ash’s erratic behavior—his silence, or worse still, his cruel words—he had caught me being sick for a while now, I’d seen the haunted look he’d once permanently worn flash in his black gaze. As days had turned into weeks the haunted look was present more than not. And I knew telling him of our baby would not make things better. I knew in my heart and soul that it would make him spiral into a panic; one I was not sure I could save him from. It was the deepest and most jagged scar he bore on his battered heart. I was terrified what would happen when it was torn asunder.

“I knew we were not ready to be parents,” I confessed. I inhaled slowly and deeply in an attempt to dislodge the lump blocking my throat. “I had taken precautions. I had done since we married. But they must not have worked. The doctor told me it can happen, even when I have done everything correctly.” Though buried in such stifling trepidation, I felt the corners of my lips curl into the flicker of a small smile. “Despite it all, despite this being unplanned and too soon, I cannot feel unhappy. I am…” I blinked away the tears that were beginning to spring to my eyes. “I am so happy I feel I cannot contain it.” Mae wiped away a stray tear from my cheek.

“God knew this was your time,” Lilah said, and I met my sister’s eyes as she lay in the bed. “The new pastor at our church said that our babies are once angels in heaven, watching over us, keeping us safe, merely waiting for the right time to be called to us. They arrive when God sees fit to bless our lives.” My heart swelled at the beautiful image those words conjured up.

“Maybe this is your reward for enduring what you have, with Brother Moses. And Flame too—this is his reward for his terrible past,” Phebe added. I nodded, trying to believe it was true. Nevertheless, I was convinced that Flame would not regard our baby to be a blessing.

My sisters must have sensed my hesitation as their encouraging smiles fell into concerned frowns. “Flame will not cope with this. I know it.” I took a deep breath, the kind I believed a warrior must take before facing what they knew would be a tumultuous battle. “I will have to guide him through this. I will have to be strong for the both of us. Somehow, I must make him believe that our baby is a divine gift, not an evil to fear.” I stroked both hands over my slightly curved stomach. “This baby is both of us, the perfect mix of our souls.” I laughed a single quiet laugh. “I love that man with my entire heart. Though I am not sure he will ever accept it to be true. No matter how far we have come, I do not believe he has ever understood the depth of my adoration for him. No, he believes himself unworthy. It is my life’s mission to make Flame understand how cherished he really is. Not only how loved he is by me, but also by his brothers and family.”

I paused, enraptured by a sudden daydream, envisioning Flame holding our tiny baby in his arms. His tattooed, muscular arms gently cradling our child, his black eyes captivated by the living expression of our love. The baby would coo and move in his safe hands, loving its father with all its heart too. The rush of emotion that blanketed my soul was a soothing balm to my fraught and fragile nerves. He would be the perfect father if he just let himself believe it. If he let himself become what he had never had. A man who loved his child with the entirety of his being. A protector. The guardian of the light of our lives.

“I cannot explain it.” Lilah’s soft voice pulled me from that most perfect vision. Mae was placing Talitha in Lilah’s other arm. Our sister held her twins, whom she had fought so hard for, like the precious gifts they were. Lilah stared into their eyes, one at a time, as if she could barely get her fill of such perfection. Finally, she looked up, and her attention was focused on me. “I cannot explain how it feels to finally meet your child, or children, in my case. I cannot explain the overwhelming sensation of happiness and fulfilment. But also the fear so heavy it leaves you breathless. Fear of anyone hurting them.” Lilah’s bottom lip trembled. “I have found a strength I never knew I harbored. I know I would give my life for theirs without question. I know that I would do anything to keep them safe, until the day I die.” Lilah smiled. “My little Grace showed me the way when I thought all hope had been lost. She was my miracle after everything that happened in New Zion. She was God showing me I could be the mother I always dreamed. Azrael and Talitha are an extension of the mother’s love Grace already brought from my damaged soul.” Tears fell down Lilah’s cheeks. “I feel so unbelievably blessed that I cannot even articulate what I mean to say.”