My Maddie (Hades Hangmen #8)(24)

My heart was pounding from the words I’d fired. Like cheap shots from a semi-automatic, each one rebounding into me leaving a gaping wound full of regret. Adrenaline surged through my body like ignited gasoline. I couldn’t control my mouth. I was lashing out at the very person I needed to make shit right.

Flame was as still as a statue. His eyes were still focused on the trunk above my head. But his face was pale. Even in my drunken state, I saw that he had lost color—it was the only reaction he displayed.

It was a punch straight through my heart.

Silently, he turned and walked away. His shoulders were bunched as he trudged slowly through the high grass. With each receding step my anger subsided, only to be replaced by a gutting pit so deep it became an abyss of endless pain. When Flame finally disappeared, my legs gave away. My ass hit the cold ground, and I stared out at the darkness. I wasn’t lucky enough to feel numbness this time. I felt it all, every ache and tear and splitting of flesh. My regret felt as though my organs were shutting down, one after the other, causing my body to blaze with fire and agony. Flame’s blank stare lodged in my brain and I replayed my words, making sure I remembered the gravity of what I’d just done… You gonna fuck me up, and then throw me in a cellar? Make sure I learn my fucking lesson, huh? Is that what you’re gonna do, Poppa…? I didn’t know what Flame felt inside, if he even had feelings, but I’d seen him flinch when I’d called him by his birth name. And the way he walked back to the cabin—shoulders slumped, feet weighing ten tons. And you’re gonna be an old man… good luck with that…

I suddenly felt real damn lonely. So fucking lonely that I didn’t know how the fuck to breathe normally. I was chasing everyone away, because I believed it was better than letting them in. Better they didn’t see my growing darkness. Better they didn’t witness the evil consuming my flesh. Anger. Resentment… the fucking hell-risen ghosts that never let me sleep.

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw the ghosts rising to their knees, reappearing in amongst the trees. This time they were gathering for a different reason—not to attack, but to watch me, to remind me that they didn’t sleep. That they’d always be in the shadows, waiting for the moment they could drag me with them to hell. As I stared at them, at their soulless eyes and sunken features, I felt wetness on my cheeks. I didn’t wipe the tears away. I let them crash like bombs into the earth beneath me, burning my skin in their fiery wake. Flame would now hate me. AK and Maddie too. But I supposed it didn’t matter in the end. Because no one hated me more than I hated myself.





Chapter Four


Flame



I gripped Maddie’s hand as the truck stopped in the parking lot of the clubhouse. Music was coming from inside. Hush and Cowboy’s truck pulled up beside us. Sia jumped out and waved at Maddie. Maddie waved back with her free hand. I wasn’t letting go of the one I was holding. Hush and Cowboy followed Sia inside. The door closed behind them. Shadows of my brothers moved inside. I stared at the doors. I didn’t wanna go in there. I didn’t wanna be here. I wanted to stay at the cabin with Maddie, and not fucking move.

“Flame?” I turned to face Maddie. She smiled at me, but it was different to normal. All her smiles were different now. I struggled to read the new type. I didn’t know what they meant. I shifted on my seat when my veins began to ache in my arms. I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t fucking stand it. “We do not have to stay long. Just long enough to celebrate Azrael and Talitha.” Maddie squeezed my hand again. But the ache in my veins grew worse, her touch was no longer making it better. Maddie pressed her forehead to mine. I tried to pull back, but her free hand came up to my cheek and stopped me. I listened to Maddie breathe. When she slept every night, I listened to her breathe. Made sure her chest went up and down. Made sure her heart still beat in her chest. I didn’t sleep much. Whenever I did, I saw her dead. Saw Maddie’s eyes closed and the baby inside her dead too. I never wanted her eyes to be closed again. I needed them open and looking at me so I knew she was okay. She said nothing was going to happen to her. But I knew it would. The flames were going to make something happen to her. The evil inside me was going to destroy her. Like it had everyone else.

“Children are a good thing, baby,” she whispered. “It is joyous to celebrate them coming into the world. They are the living embodiment of love, of the parents who created them out of such fierce love.” Maddie pulled back. Her eyes were shiny. My stomach clenched. When they were shiny, it normally meant she was sad.

“You’re sad,” I said. Maddie dropped her head. It’s because you’ll be a fuck up of a papa, and she knows it. I squeezed my eyes shut, hearing my poppa’s voice in my head. And you’re gonna be an old man… good luck with that… Ash’s voice came next. He thought I was going to hurt him in the woods. Thought I was going to give him more scars on his stomach. Maddie was sad because she knew I would end up hurting her and our kid, just like Ash thought I would eventually hurt him too.

Maddie’s hand came back onto my cheek. She lifted my head. “I am not sad, like you think,” she whispered. I didn’t know why else she would be sad, if not for thinking I was letting her down. “Flame,” she continued. “I am sad that you believe you are not worthy of being a father.” Maddie traced her finger around my face. I loved her touch. I always wanted her to touch me. But her words didn’t make sense to me. “I am sad that you believe you could hurt us.” Maddie’s hand left my face and dropped to her stomach. My heart started beating fast. Inside of her was our baby. I didn’t want to hurt the baby.