My Husband's Wife(22)

Me.

I too had been surprised. In my half-awake state, I had imagined someone else. His soft hands on my breasts. His mouth on mine. His hardness against my body …

‘Got to wash,’ I mumbled before staggering to the tiny bathroom and drying my eyes. When I returned, Ed was fast asleep.

Where had that come from? Why had I imagined Joe in bed with me? A man whom I disliked …

And who was Ed imagining? I can guess. There might not be anything concrete apart from that overfamiliar gesture the other night. But I can smell it. Just as I smelled Joe. If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s to listen to my intuition.

While all these thoughts churned endlessly through my mind, Ed slept. He looked so peaceful. Snoring lightly, a growth of fine fair hair on his chin. Quietly, so as not to wake him, I eased myself out of bed, tiptoed into the kitchen and got out the mop.

I got so distracted that I didn’t sense Ed coming in until I heard his voice. ‘Why are you cleaning the floor at this time?’ He was fastening his tie as he spoke. It bore, though he didn’t seem to have noticed it, a drop of blood from the shaving nick on his neck.

I looked up from my kneeling position. ‘It’s grubby.’

‘Won’t you be late for work?’

So what? I needed to make the lino gleam. If I couldn’t make it all right with my marriage, I had to make it all right with the kitchen floor.

And that’s why I’m running now. If I hadn’t gone mad with the cleaning, I wouldn’t have left the flat fifteen minutes later than normal. Wouldn’t be watching the bus disappear up the street. Wouldn’t be dreading the excuses I’d have to make to my boss.

As I come panting to a halt, I see Carla, nose pressed against the glass, waving madly at me. ‘Come on,’ she mouths. Then she appears to add something else.

Fatty? Surely not. Carla’s a sweet child. Although I’ve seen the way Francesca looks at me pityingly. And I’ve also seen how the daughter copies everything the mother does.

Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time someone had called me fat.

As I sit waiting for the next bus, I can’t help thinking about Carla. Carla and her green caterpillar.

‘You stole him, didn’t you?’ I’d said when we looked after her yesterday. ‘Why?’

There was a shy yet defiant turn of the head. A discomfortingly mature pose which suggested it was practised. ‘Everyone else has one. I didn’t want to be different.’

I don’t want to be different. Just what Daniel used to say.

My instinct’s right. I’ve got to help this child.

My boss is waiting in his office. He’s about thirty years older than me and has a wife who gave up her job when she got married. I get the distinct feeling he disapproves of me.

Soon after I’d joined the firm, I was foolish enough to tell one of my colleagues that I wanted to go into law ‘to do some good’.

My boss overheard. ‘Good?’ he scoffed. ‘You’re in the wrong job for that, I can tell you.’

I flushed (if only there was a cure!) and kept my head down after that. Yet at times, especially when he’s barking at me, I want to tell him what happened with Daniel.

Of course I wouldn’t really. Even Ed wouldn’t understand if I told him the full story. It would be madness to tell my boss. He’s sitting across from me now, a pile of papers between us, and a frosty smile on his lips. ‘So how are you getting on with Joe Thomas?’

I cross my legs under the table and uncross them again. I’m aware of Ed’s imprint from last night, still inside me. Etched on my body like the surprise on his face.

‘The client is still playing games with me.’

My boss laughs. It’s not a friendly laugh. ‘He’s in a prison with a high proportion of psychopaths, Lily. What do you expect?’

‘I expect a better briefing.’ The words are out of my mouth before I can take them back. Fear gives me courage – rightly or wrongly – to stand up for myself. ‘I don’t think I have enough background,’ I carry on, trying to recover the situation. ‘Why has he launched an appeal after being inside for two years? And why won’t he talk to me properly instead of speaking in riddles?’

I pull out the paper Joe gave me with the strange numbers and letters.

‘What do you think these figures mean?’ I ask, in a more conciliatory tone. ‘The client gave them to me.’

My boss barely glances at the creased sheet. ‘No idea. This is your case, Lily. New evidence, perhaps, that he’s only just got hold of? That might explain the delay in the appeal.’ His eyes narrow. ‘I’m throwing you in at the deep end, just as they did to me at your age. It’s your chance to prove yourself. Don’t let either of us down.’

I spend the rest of the week doing what I can. But there are other cases too in my workload. They pile up with intentional regularity, or so it seems. Clearly, my boss is testing me. Just as Ed is doing, with his blow-hot, blow-cold approach to me.

‘I’m struggling with that client still,’ I start to say one evening over dinner: an undercooked steak and kidney pie which doesn’t look quite like the picture in the well-worn Fanny Craddock book that Ed’s mother passed on to me. Ed is chewing slowly, as well he might. My meal is a challenge. Davina, by the way, went to one of those cookery schools in Switzerland.