My Husband's Wife(128)

When Mum’s dad died, she inherited the house in Devon. It would be a fresh start for my brother, my parents said when I kicked up a fuss about leaving my old school. And it was. Daniel and I loved our new home. Such a novelty to live by the sea!

I pause for a moment and look out of the window again at the waves, lashing against the rocks on the far side of the bay.

My parents did everything they could to make Daniel happy. They got him Merlin and took on a rescue dog at the same time. They ignored bad behaviour because they believed in ‘positive praise’. They bought him the new jacket he wanted when I’d not been allowed a fluffy blue jumper I’d had my eye on. (He needed it and I didn’t, apparently.)

‘I was chosen by them,’ Daniel would announce proudly at times.

But during his blacker moments, the mask would slip. ‘I don’t want to be different, Lily,’ he’d say. ‘I want to be like you. Like everyone else.’

Daniel wasn’t the only one to be confused. Sometimes I was jealous of the attention that my parents piled on him. At other times, I was overwhelmed with love for my new brother, grateful that I finally had the company I had craved. But every now and then, something would occur which made me wonder what would have happened if they’d chosen someone else.

Of course, Daniel still got into trouble, just like he had in London. It was the same old things. Lying about homework. Lying about where he’d been. I’d cover up for him. It was what a sister did. Once a shopkeeper ran out after us, claiming that Daniel had stolen a bag of sweets.

‘He wouldn’t do that,’ I insisted.

But when we were allowed to leave, Daniel took the packet out of his sock.

I went back to the shop, explaining that there had been a misunderstanding. And Daniel swore never to do it again. ‘I promise. I promise.’

His childhood – and mine – were peppered with similar incidents.

Later, when he’d just turned fifteen, a local girl claimed he’d slept with her. It was all over school.

‘It’s not true,’ he laughed when I asked him about it. ‘Why would I want to do that? She’s a slut. Anyway, there’s only one girl I want.’

‘Who?’ I asked teasingly.

His face closed down as if someone had drawn a curtain across it. ‘Not saying.’

But then, one day, I got my first date.

I stop, my cheeks flushing.

It was one of the boys from the local school. All my friends had been asked out by now. But they were prettier than me. Slimmer.

My mother was excited for me. ‘What are you going to wear?’

Daniel was furious. He wouldn’t talk to me. And when I finally came downstairs, after spending ages getting ready, my brother informed me that the boy had called to say he couldn’t make it. Later, I found out that Daniel had stood outside the front door, waiting for him, and then lied. Told him that I didn’t want to go out after all.

Ross gently interrupts. ‘Didn’t you wonder if …’ His voice tails off.

‘No. I know it sounds silly, but I just thought it was Daniel being difficult again. Causing trouble the way he always did.’ I take a deep breath. ‘But then his arm started to “accidentally” brush mine. We had these long conversations, late at night. And one evening, when we went down to the stables to feed Merlin, he kissed me.’

I close my eyes. Even now I can remember that kiss. It was like no other. Never, ever, have I been kissed like that. The knowledge that it was wrong only added to the excitement. That’s right, I wanted him to. Deep down, I realized I’d always wanted him to do this. That I’d been jealous of that other girl he was said to have slept with. But when I finally drew away, I was overcome with shame.

‘It’s all right,’ Daniel said, his breath heavy and his voice thick. ‘We’re not related. We can do what we want.’

But it wasn’t all right. And we knew it. Before long, the kissing grew more adventurous. Even as I speak, I can still recall the illicit thrill.

Mum began to notice something. ‘I might have got this wrong,’ she said, her cheeks burning. ‘But do be careful, won’t you? Daniel might not be your blood brother. But don’t forget he’s your adopted brother.’

I was mortified. Sickened by myself. So I did what a lot of people do when they are accused of something. I threw it back. ‘How can you think such filthy thoughts?’ I yelled.

Mum went beetroot, but she held her ground. ‘Are you sure you’re telling me the truth about Daniel?’

‘Of course I’m sure. How can you be so disgusting?’

Her words scared me. By then I had turned eighteen. Daniel was seventeen. We hadn’t ‘done it’, as my school friends called it. But we were close. Perilously close.

At times, my love for Daniel was so overwhelming that I could barely breathe when I sat opposite him at breakfast. Yet at other times, I could barely stand to be in the same room as him. Both feelings that I was to have later, towards Joe.

And that’s the nub of it, you see. Because of Daniel, I was unable to feel attracted to a man unless it was wrong. That’s why I was so drawn to Joe. And that’s why my honeymoon had been a disaster. Why I always found it difficult with Ed.

‘Then,’ I continue falteringly, ‘the same boy from school asked me out again. (I’d explained there’d been a misunderstanding over the previous date.) This time, I wouldn’t let Daniel stop me. It was my way to break free.’