More Than Words(51)
“Yeah, we won,” he said.
“That’s good,” she answered, lying back down on her pillow. “You didn’t say you were coming over.”
Nina watched as Tim took off his blazer, button-down, and jeans, leaving on his boxers and his undershirt. “I just . . . I missed you,” he said. “I wanted to sleep next to you tonight.”
He disappeared into the bathroom to brush his teeth.
When he got into bed, Nina was fighting to keep her eyes open. “Did something happen?” she asked.
Tim kissed her cheek. “I wanted to remind myself how much I love you.”
Nina wondered what he meant by that but was too tired to ask. “Okay,” she said. “I love you, too.”
She turned toward him and tucked her head under his chin, and they lay together, T-shirt to T-shirt, arms overlapping until they both fell asleep.
* * *
? ? ?
The next morning, Nina asked Tim what she’d been wondering the night before. “Why did you have to remember you loved me?” she asked as she handed him an omelet. She’d made it just the way he liked it—sautéed onions, cheddar cheese, not at all runny.
“Is that what I said?” Tim answered, carefully cutting his omelet with the side of his fork. “I was drunk. I just missed you.” He took a bite. “This is delicious.”
Nina let it go, but the thing about Tim was that he didn’t lie when he was drunk; he didn’t mess up his words. He’d said what he’d meant. Something had happened last night.
Nina wondered if this was the first time Tim was hiding the truth from her, or if it had happened before and this was just the first time she’d noticed. She really hoped not. But she wasn’t sure about anything anymore.
50
Later that day, around lunchtime, Nina called Leslie.
“So Tim,” she said, when Leslie picked up. “Something’s off.”
“What do you mean?” Leslie said. “I’m in the deli, grabbing a salad, so if you hear weird noises in the background, that’s why. What happened?”
Nina looked out the window of her apartment, watching people walk down Jay Street, some alone, some in groups, some in pairs. “He came over last night, late, to remind himself that he loves me. That’s what he said. He shrugged it off this morning, but I can’t help but think he shouldn’t have to remind himself, you know? And why won’t he tell me what made him need reminding? It’s just . . . it’s weird. Something weird is going on.”
Leslie was quiet for a moment. “Well, that does sound a little strange, but not too horrible. Is that all that’s worrying you?”
It wasn’t. Nina knew it wasn’t. “I just . . . I feel like he expects me to be the Nina he’s known his whole life, but I don’t even know if she was real. I was making decisions based on how my father would see me. I don’t even know what I would have done differently, if I hadn’t been trained to think that way. Would I have chosen a different school? A different profession? Would I have moved to Boston with you or stayed in D.C.? Or joined the Peace Corps? Or learned to play jazz piano? I don’t know who I would have been. I want to figure all of that out . . . and I think Tim just wants me to be the same. The person who reflects her father’s choices in all of hers, that’s who Tim thinks I am.”
A pile of plates clattered in the deli. “Is this still about the night you wanted to have sex and he made you feel bad about it?”
“It’s that he’s so predictable.” Nina paced around her living room. “And he wants me to be. And I don’t feel predictable right now. Can I marry him if I feel this way?”
“Well,” Leslie said, serious now. “Things have changed in your world. A lot. There’s so much that’s up in the air. Maybe this just isn’t the time to agree to anything so momentous. Isn’t that a rule that people quote? You’re not supposed to make any major changes for at least six months after a loved one dies.”
Nina sighed. “Maybe it’ll all be fine. But . . . I’d told him we shouldn’t tell anyone we’re engaged because it felt strange making that kind of announcement so soon after my dad died. And now more time has passed and I still don’t want to say anything to anyone.”
Nina heard the register at the deli chime. “Well,” Leslie said, “that doesn’t seem like the best sign.”
“My heart is so messed up these days. My brain, too. They’re just . . . they’re confused.”
“Then maybe give yourself some more time,” Leslie said. “You’ll know when it’s time to know.”
Nina flopped down on her couch and closed her eyes. “How Zen of you,” she said.
Leslie laughed again. “Yeah, not my usual behavior. Look, I’ve gotta go, but I’ll call you later.”
“Okay,” Nina said. “Hugs to everyone.”
“You got it.”
Leslie clicked off, and Nina stayed lying on her couch. She wanted to feel so filled with love for Tim that she didn’t question it. That it bubbled over and made every aspect of her life happier.
And she wanted to be that for him, too.
But she was worried. She was worried it wasn’t the case for either of them. And if it wasn’t, did that mean that there was even more wrong with their relationship than just Nina trying to put herself back together after her father died? She wanted to feel as sure about marrying Tim as she did about the fact that she and Leslie would always be there for each other whenever they needed to be.