Luster(14)

* * *



All this time Eric hasn’t looked away from me, within his confusion a promise of retribution that I find thrilling—historically the sort of high sweetest at its inception, when a man’s wrath is just a consideration, when he curtails the impulse because he thinks he’s different while you know he is the same. As Rebecca takes a handful of cake and forces it into his mouth, the room fills with laughter and I turn and climb the stairs, partly to go to the bathroom and partly to be alone. I look through their cabinets and find it a surprisingly unsatisfying activity, not just because everything is generic and OTC, but because I have come to the part of the night where I am incapable of any uppercase emotion, and every circuit responsible for my cellular regeneration has begun to smoke.



* * *



This is the conclusion to most parties I attend, and it usually helps to take a moment alone in the bathroom, though the inevitable presence of a mirror can complicate things. Even if I have done the adequate mental jujitsu to convince myself that I appear like a normal human being, a trip to the bathroom to regroup can on occasion turn into the kind of fun-house voodoo that happens in DMV photos and long exposures of Victorian children. There is something about looking into someone else’s mirror, something that always gives me more information than I need. In the past three years I have tried to turn lemons into lemonade by reciting old Tumblr affirmations into these mirrors, but it hasn’t helped.



* * *



I take some cough syrup out of the cabinet and take a long drink. I look in the mirror and I do not hate how I look, nor have I ever, even though I am not usually the prettiest person in the room. My biggest issue when I look into the mirror is that sometimes the face I see doesn’t feel like mine.

“I am happy to be alive. I am happy to be alive.”

“What are you doing?” a voice says, and I turn around and find the kid in the wig eating a slice of pizza.

“You’re real.”

“Obviously,” she says. There are times I interact with kids and recall my abortion fondly, moments like this when I cross paths with a child who is clearly a drag.

“Obviously,” I say, screwing the cap back on the cough syrup.

“I’ve never seen you before.”

“Probably because we don’t run in the same circles, kid.”

“There are no black people in this neighborhood,” she says, and I catch my reflection in the mirror and feel a tightness in my chest.

“What’s your name?”

“Akila.”

“Are there really no black people in this neighborhood?” I ask, just as Eric appears behind her.

“Go to your room, please,” he says, and Akila shrugs and disappears down the hall. He waits for her door to close and then closes the space between us, and when I look up at him I receive him anew. His overwhelming height, the intensity of his eye contact, the general feeling that he is not a man who sleeps. To some extent I’ve had to revise him every time we’ve met, but this feels different. The last time I saw him was the first time I ever saw him come, an elastic split second made for paint, somehow analogous to the expression he is making as he tries to find the words, his mouth opening and closing without sound. I like this part. I remind myself of this when I realize I am nervous, when I notice how incongruously this degree of anger hangs on him, and that I cannot anticipate how this anger will manifest.

“What are you doing in my house?”

“Congratulations on the anniversary.”

“What is the matter with you?”

“Everything is the matter,” I say, just as Rebecca appears. She pauses and looks at us.

“I was thinking we could start a game of Trivial Pursuit,” she says, and now that I look between them and consider them as a unit, they do seem like different species: Rebecca a lonely, carnivorous bird, Eric a vegetarian mammal with a short, panicked life.

“I’m going to take her home,” he says.

“This is our anniversary party.”

“Yes, I know.” He fishes his keys out of his pocket, grabs my arm, and starts ushering me down the stairs.

“Okay, so call a car,” Rebecca says.

“The capital of Kansas is Topeka. Rosebud was the sled,” he says before he pulls me down the stairs and out of the door, then stuffs me into the car. Nothing about the interior of the car has changed. It is still vaguely moist, still smacking of something lightly fried, still old in a way that has less to do with the window cranks than the whine of the steering wheel, the car taking the road in rough licks, so distressed by the transition from Jersey to New York you can almost feel it burning through the fuel. Of course I can’t help but think about the night our route was reversed, when Rebecca’s name emerged in LED, my thumb above Decline. When we were high and inoculated against embarrassment, the car crooked at the curb as he pulled me up the stairs. But when you have nights like those, anomalies where all the stars defer, and you are not faking, not even a little, the polite thing is to never mention it again. Eric reaches into the glove compartment and retrieves a flask.

“Do you understand that this is not okay? This is my family,” he says, taking a long drink. I watch him, count the seconds during which his eyes are closed. For a moment, the car veers onto the shoulder. “I don’t owe you anything. I was clear. I have a life, a job, a wife—”