Lucky Caller(38)

“Okay, yes. Clearly we’re not all from Indiana,” I amended. “But I’m just saying—that’s not proof of anything.”

“Yes, but we also said your dad’s favorite color is yellow,” Sasha said.

“So?”

“One of their more popular songs—I mean, it’s relative since they never got super popular in the first place, but still—anyway, it was called ‘Truly Madly Yellow.’”

“Oh, we played that one!” Jamie said. “Remember?” He started mumble-grunting something that sounded like Take my hat wabababa yellow flamajamaaaaaa.

“Oh yeah!” Joydeep said. “Flamajamaaaaaaaaa eat my faaaaaaaaaaace.”

I shook my head. “That’s not anything.”

“It’s not eat my face, it’s east of fate,” Jamie said.

“What’s flamajama?” Sasha asked.

“I feel like we’re getting off track?” I said.

“Right.” Sasha turned back to me. “Also, we said that thing about how your dad’s favorite member of TION is Josh.”

“I will give you a hundred dollars if you can connect that shit together,” Joydeep said.

Sasha raised an eyebrow. “Get ready to pay up. It’s not confirmed or anything, but there’s a rumor that the bassist from Existential Dead went on to become a music producer and that he was one of the people behind TION’s first album.”

“And he loves Josh?”

“I mean, it’s less about Josh specifically, and more about how we said he had a connection to the band.”

I shook my head. “This is ridiculous.”

“Agreed,” Joydeep said. “Except for one possibility.”

“What?”

“Nina, is there literally any chance that your dad is the lead singer of Existential Dead?”

I couldn’t help but sputter a laugh. “No. Literally no chance.”

“But how do you know?”

Sasha blinked at me, deadpan. “Yeah, Nina, like how does anyone really know that their dad isn’t an obscure cult nineties rocker?”

“He’s not old enough,” I replied. “Existential Dead’s first album came out in 1991, right? He was like … a freshman in high school then.”

“So?” Joydeep said. “Maybe it was like a … Bieber thing.”

“You really think that voice is coming out of a fourteen-year-old?” Jamie said, and then in a deep rasp belted, “Flamajamaaaaaaaaa!”

“I mean, sure, maybe he’s not the lead singer, but he could be one of the other guys.”

Sasha pulled up a picture of the band online. It was black-and-white and grainy, and their faces were cast in shadow, but still—four long-haired, kind-of-young-but-definitely-not-fourteen-year-old guys.

“None of those people are my dad,” I told Joydeep.

“Come on, they took that picture with a potato,” he replied. “I could be in it.”

“Why do you want it to be my dad?”

“Because it would be interesting! And anyway, what’s our other option?”

“We squash this,” Jamie said. “That’s literally it. We just tell them straight up that Existential Dead is not coming here.”

“Okay.” Sasha nodded. “Okay, yeah. Obviously, that was my thought, but I just wanted to check with you guys before I blew our secret guest thing online.”

“Well, hold on a sec,” Joydeep said. “Pump the brakes, Diana.”

“What?”

“We don’t have to ruin the mystique of the secret guest. It’s kind of the main thing we have going for us at the moment. Let’s just put something out saying it’s definitely not Existential Dead. Like, as long as we’re super definitive, I don’t know why we have to give the whole thing away yet.”

We looked at each other.

Finally, Jamie shrugged. “Sure. Why not?”

We drafted a statement:

We have been promoting a special celebrity guest interview on our radio program for the last few weeks. There appears to be some confusion regarding the identity of this guest based on fun facts we have given. We would like to state, in no uncertain terms—



“Capitalize it,” Joydeep said.

IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, that the band Existential Dead is not—



“Capitals,” Joydeep prompted again.

NOT appearing on our show. Thank you. Signed, The Sounds of the Nineties Team.



“Perfect,” Jamie said.





35.


“WE HAVE A PROBLEM,” SASHA said before we started our 1997 episode on Thursday evening.

“What?”

“The comments on our statement.”

Blckndlng00 said: They said the BAND will not be appearing. That could mean Tyler is coming ALONE. A solo session!

TBheartsIN replied: OR that theyre not just appearing—theyre performing!!!!

“Uh-oh,” Joydeep said.

“It’s okay,” Jamie said. “It’s just some comments. We can totally fix this.”



* * *



We would like to state, IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, that the band Existential Dead is NOT appearing, performing, interviewing, or speaking in any capacity on our show, nor are any of the members of Existential Dead doing so on an individual basis. We are in NO WAY affiliated with Existential Dead. Thank you. Signed, The Sounds of the Nineties Team.