Love Me (WITSEC #3)(71)
“No,” I said. I was done. I’d had enough. I glanced at my guys. “Can you give us a minute?”
They didn’t hesitate in getting up from the table and the four of them went out into the backyard.
After the door closed behind them, I looked at Logan. “What is going on, Logan? What are you trying to achieve with all of this?”
“They deserve to know,” he said again.
I shook my head, and I picked up Shayla’s picture. “They do know. This…” I held up the picture. “This shows them what happened and seeing it does a way better job than hearing it. So I’m going to ask again…what do you wish to achieve? Because they’re not going anywhere.”
“They need to know what you went through.”
“They will. When I’m ready, and when that is isn’t up to you to decide,” I said.
That set him off and he stood from the table angrily, almost knocking his chair over as he did. “You’re being stupid, Shiloh. So unbelievably stupid. You have fucked everything up by telling them.”
“How did I fuck up?” I snarled, standing from my chair. “How?!”
“Because you put yourself at risk.”
“Bullshit, Logan! Stop throwing that bullshit at me, because we both know that’s not true.” I fisted my hands at my sides, willing myself to continue calmly. “I don’t regret that I told them. Instead of continuing on with a life that was lonely and full of despair with no end in sight, I chose to grab hold of something that gave me reason to fight. Since they came into my life, I know what it is to be happy again and to feel hope, and with that, I am no longer living day by day. I look forward to things and I allow myself to envision a future.”
“And what happens when X rips it all away? Will you be able to survive losing this new little family you have all over again?” he questioned.
“Is that what this has all been about? You’d rather I be miserable and alone instead of happy with the possibility of losing that happiness again?”
He didn’t respond.
“Every day I ask myself, What if Mr. X finds me? The scenarios that play in my head are crippling. What I’ve learned is that I can’t watch life pass me by anymore because I’m too scared to live it. I cannot control what if. All I can do is prepare the best I can for it, which I have done and will continue to do. But I am done being crippled by what if. I am done letting Mr. X rule my life.”
“When X kills them, you will not survive it and I will lose you,” he said as if he hadn’t listened to a single word that had come out of my mouth.
His fear broke my heart as much as it angered me. “So you would rather I was alone and miserable, because it would appease your fear.” A tear leaked from my eye, and I quickly wiped it away as it rolled down my cheek.
He didn’t deny it.
“You’re not saying anything because you know how wrong that is.”
He looked away from me.
“I think you should consider therapy,” I said. “Or sit in on a session with me with Dr. Bolton.”
He scoffed like that was the most absurd thing I had ever said to him. “Just because you go to therapy doesn’t mean everyone needs to.”
How do you help someone who doesn’t want to be helped?
I grabbed the chair I’d been sitting in and pushed it in. “I’m sorry, Logan, but I can’t give you what you want.”
Logan opened his mouth to argue, but I cut him off. “I’m not relocating. Not unless there is a legitimate risk of Mr. X finding me, and not what you think is a risk, either. I think it’s best to leave the risk assessment up to Ian from here on out.”
He began shaking his head, a snarl curling his lips.
“When do you leave?” I asked.
“What do you mean, when do I leave?” he snapped.
“I assume now that the sheriff has been handled, you want to get back to hunting down Mr. X.” It was the one thing he desired more than being here for me.
He stared at me with a scathing look. “That’s it, huh? You used me to battle the big bad sheriff, but now that’s dealt with, I get kicked to the curb?”
I squeezed the top of the chair. “If you feel that way, why don’t you stay, get a house of your own nearby, and let Ian and the thousands of police officers out there hunt down Mr. X? That way we can work this out. This pain between us.” I gestured from him to me.
The muscle in his jaw clenched.
He wouldn’t stay. I bet his flight out of Arizona was already booked. I couldn’t even feel smug because it hurt too much. “That’s what I thought.” My voice wobbled and I had to look away from him or I’d start crying again.
I hated grief. We were both fighting to survive in an ocean of it. Revenge was his lifeline, and my guys were mine. Neither of us would let go and risk drowning. I couldn’t risk it because I knew he’d drag me back to where I’d started, in the middle of that dark, depthless water, and leave me again. I held onto my lifeline tightly because I knew he wouldn’t let go of his, and he would look away again as grief pulled me beneath the surface. So, no, I wouldn’t drown for Logan, not when my lifeline was helping me get closer to shore.
“It’s Ethan’s birthday Saturday,” Colt announced.