Last Summer(19)

“I don’t see kids in my future,” he said. Such a simple statement, yet so powerful. A dream killer.

Hands on hips, Ella turned away from him and watched her plans of motherhood disappear downfield with the ball. She was in love with Damien, no doubt about it. But was she willing to give up children to be with him? She didn’t even know yet if he loved her back.

“Ella?”

She turned back around. Damien looked unsettled, almost heartbroken, and it made Ella nervous and a little sad. “If you really want kids, maybe it’s best that we . . .” He swallowed roughly. “I love you, Ella. I don’t want to lose you, but at the same time, I don’t want to be that guy who keeps you from getting what you want. You’d never be happy with me. You’d leave—”

Ella didn’t let him finish. She closed the distance between them and looked up into his face, her heart racing. “You love me?”

He smiled broadly. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. So much,” he whispered vehemently.

She beamed. Grasping his shoulders, she stood on her toes and kissed him. “I love you, too.”

He flashed another smile, but it quickly faded. “But . . . kids?”

Ella knew that if she was honest with him, right here and now, what she’d tell him would destroy everything that had been and still was budding between them. Ella might not have his disinterest in kids, but what she did have was time. Maybe, one day, once he saw how great their life could be together, she could convince him to change his mind.

She smiled lovingly. “It’s you I want, Damien.” More than anything. More than kids, she silently reaffirmed, hoping to convince herself that was truly how she felt.





CHAPTER 8

March 2019

Ella smacks the alarm squawking 5:00 a.m. and rolls out of bed. After a visit to the bathroom, she brushes her teeth and slips into her running attire, grabbing up her Nikes.

Damien waits for her at the front door. “Morning, sweetheart.” He kisses her solidly on the mouth with a groan that sends a delicious ripple through her. “Let’s skip the run and go back to bed.”

“Uh-uh.” She pushes him away. “Run first.” They didn’t make it out the door yesterday. Ever since Lynn released her for full activity, including bedroom aerobics, Damien hasn’t kept his hands off her. That was two months ago. The sex has been great. Okay, it’s been mind blowing. But she feels like it’s become an excuse not to talk, which they haven’t done much of in four months, not the kind of talking they should be doing. Either he’s still too raw about the accident or he’s too busy with work. Whichever, Ella feels like she’s been left hanging. Her memories haven’t returned. Looking at photos of her pregnant self and staying immersed with familiar people in familiar places as Dr. Allington had suggested when she was released from the hospital hasn’t helped at all. She doesn’t know anything more today about what led up to the accident and what happened at the hospital afterward than she did last November. Only Damien knows what made her leave their condo that night and get into her car, and he’s not talking.

He also doesn’t want to try for another baby.

At her eight-week post-op appointment, Lynn asked if Ella wanted to go back on birth control. Ella had been excited to discuss with Damien the prospect of getting pregnant again. But he was adamant. No way. He wasn’t ready. How could she think about another baby when the loss of Simon still gutted him? What if something happened to the baby again? Or worse, what if he lost her instead? Did she have any idea what that did to him, seeing her bruised and battered in the hospital bed?

Lynn had also asked her about the psychiatrist. Had she been?

“Once,” Ella answered. Alone.

The session hadn’t helped. Ella spent an hour expressing her frustrations about Damien and her sadness over losing Simon, but she couldn’t answer most questions the therapist posed. Why did they decide to have a baby when her husband was clear he didn’t want a child? What changed his mind? Where was she going when she got into the accident? Had they been arguing, and if so, about what?

“On and on the questions went. I couldn’t answer a single one,” Ella explained. “I tried to get Damien to come to a follow-up session, but between his work schedule and his excuses?” She shrugged, tugged up the paper examination gown that had slipped off her shoulder. “I gave up. I stopped asking him to come and I didn’t go back.”

Lynn touched her arm. “I’ve seen husbands take several years before they can talk about it, let alone try for another kid again. It’s difficult for them to watch their wives lose a child.”

Ella nodded. She wanted to be sympathetic to Damien’s feelings, but she was the one who carried Simon. She’d do it again given the chance. Looking at her hands in her lap, she picked at a loose hangnail. “Did I tell you Simon was an accident? I think I forgot to take a pill.”

“No. I didn’t know. But there are other options besides the pill.” Lynn rolled her stool to the end of the exam table and motioned for Ella to scoot her rear to the edge and lie back. She peeked around Ella’s raised knees. “Options you don’t have to remember to take each day.”

“Can I think about it?”

Lynn smiled. “Take all the time you need.”

Damien unbolts the front door, bringing Ella back to the task at hand. She laces up her shoes. Damien is scrolling through his email. He frowns.