Last Summer(18)

“What’s that?”

“Is it true that my pregnancy was an accident?”

Damien’s eyes close. He drops his forehead on Ella’s shoulder.

Ella’s fingers sift through his hair. “Damien?”

He nods, the movement almost imperceptible.

Ella presses her face into Damien’s hair and lets his admission sink in. Simon was a mistake.

“Why didn’t I get an abortion? You didn’t want children.”

“But you did,” he says, lifting his head. His eyes meet hers. His fingertips caress her cheek. “You were scared when you first told me, but you couldn’t hide your happiness. I couldn’t take that away from you.”

“But you didn’t want Simon.”

“I did. I loved him. And now I’m going to miss every milestone that I’ll never get to experience with him. God, El.” He presses his lips to her forehead, keeps them there.

“I’m so sorry to put you through this,” she says through tears.

“No. God, no, Ella. This isn’t your fault. I’ve already told you that. We’re in this together. I’m right here with you. We’re a team.”

A team. Then why does she feel so alone?

It’s the memory loss, she reasons. She’s confused.

“I love you,” she says, hugging him tighter.

“I love you, too. So much. I don’t know what I’d have done had I lost you, too. You’re the most important person in my life. The only family I care about. You’re my world, Ella. I only want you to be happy. I’ll do anything to ensure your happiness.”

“I know.” She kisses him softly.

Later, Damien turns in early with her, his body curved around hers. Ella quickly falls asleep, and when she wakes, he’s already gone.

Damn meds, she thinks, disappointed she slept through his goodbye kiss. But he left a note, as he’s been known to do. This one comes with a bakery bag from Luna’s.

E.

I picked up a muffin for you on my run.

Take it easy today. Rest.

Don’t lose faith in me.

I love you.

D.



Don’t lose faith in him. Of course she won’t. What an odd thing for him to write.





CHAPTER 7

Four Years Ago

Three weeks into her relationship with Damien, they went for a morning run in Golden Gate Park. It was late spring in San Francisco, when the days are shrouded in gray and the light is softer as the fog sits on the city like an unwanted houseguest. They ran past a team of middle school boys playing soccer. An errant ball cut across the field and bounced off Ella’s ankle. She stumbled, but Damien grasped her arm, preventing her fall.

“I’ve got you.”

“Thanks,” she panted, short of breath. “That wouldn’t have been pretty.” Ella laughed off her embarrassment.

Damien eased their pace until she fell back into her runner’s zone. She watched two opposing players chase after the ball and smiled at the parents on the sidelines bundled up in parkas and fueling up on lattes in metal thermoses. Someday that might be her and Damien, their Saturdays filled with soccer games and family movie nights. She’d started falling for him the night they met and, even though she hadn’t told him yet, was now hopelessly in love. She could already picture a future filled with their children’s laughter, summer vacations in Hawaii, and winter breaks playing in the Tahoe snow. Damien would make a wonderful father. He’s patient and affectionate while at the same time authoritative and encouraging. Their kids would be well rounded and good natured. If they were anything like their father, they’d excel at almost everything they did.

“Any interest in kids?” Damien asked, jogging beside her.

Ella felt a certain thrill their minds were on the same track, but the sideline referee chose that moment to blow his whistle as they ran past him. The shrill noise pierced Ella’s ear and she shook her head.

Damien smiled. “Me neither.”

“You neither what?”

“Kids.”

What?

Ella stopped abruptly. Damien looked back over his shoulder, surprised she wasn’t beside him, and jogged back to her. “You okay?”

She squinted at him. Had she heard him correctly?

“You don’t want kids?” she asked, incredulous.

“No, not really.”

“Why not?” Waiting to have kids is one thing, but to consciously decide not to have them? That’s an entirely different story with an ending Ella didn’t see coming.

Damien shrugged. He wiped his face with his shirt, looking uneasy at the way she stared at him dumbfounded.

“What?” he said after a moment.

“That’s a pretty definitive decision, Damien. One you’ve obviously put some thought into. I’d really like to understand why.”

He tapped the toe of his shoe against a park bench leg. “Anna wanted kids.”

Damien had told Ella that he divorced Anna over irreconcilable differences. With this new tidbit of information, she’d bet their marriage ended over kids. Anna wanted them. Damien didn’t. He’d break it off with Ella if she told him the truth about what she really wanted. Their relationship would end before it truly started.