Landon & Shay: Part Two (L&S Duet #2)(27)

“Will do.”

The girls were right about everything, which was why I was counting on Landon to message me at some point. The only reason I knew he was alive and well was because of my internet searches on him. His career seemed to be doing all right still, but that didn’t help me any. I knew I couldn’t keep the madness going because I was becoming a person I hardly recognized anymore. I was becoming a girl I claimed I would never be. I was becoming desperate for a man to give me his love.

I waited with bated breath for Landon to reach out to me.

My self-esteem suffered more and more with each moment that passed. I needed answers from him. I needed him to let me in, to tell me what we were—what we planned on becoming. I needed his future, or I needed to let go of our past.

My heart couldn’t live in this game of limbo much longer. We needed to have the talk, and we had to do it face to face. Or at least on a telephone call. Anything. I needed answers, and I prayed Landon would be man enough to give them to me.

I spent the rest of the night waiting for that knock at my door. Waiting for that boy to be standing on the other side. Waiting for him to be ready for me, all of me. Waiting for him to say that he wasn’t going to leave again any time soon and was ready to open up to me emotionally.

It was almost one in the morning when I gave up the hope of Landon coming and knocking on my door. I didn’t know why I’d waited for him for so long. I didn’t know why I allowed him to have such control over me, such a strong pull on my heart, but when that knock arrived at two in the morning, I opened the door and smiled when I saw that broken boy standing in front of me.

Broken man.

There was nothing boyish about Landon anymore. He’d physically changed over the course of the past several months in more ways than I could’ve imagined. His arms were covered in tattoos, ink hiding the scars of his past, different designs spiraling across his tan skin, but some things still remained the same.

His dopey, crooked smile. His perfectly carved out dimple. His eyes full of passion and desire.

Now, there he stood, still so painfully broken.

Damaged.

Broken.

Disheveled.

And mine.

Sigh.

Not that much of mine.

“Hi,” he said on an exhalation, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

“Hi,” I replied, trying to tame my wild heartbeats. I hadn’t known you could miss someone so much even when they were standing right in front of you. It was as if he was there physically, but the Landon I was hoping to see was so far away from me.

I crossed my arms, holding on to myself so tight, nervous that if I let go of the strong hold, I’d shatter into a million pieces right in front of the boy who controlled my heartbeats. “How’s your heart tonight?”

He didn’t answer my question. He moved in swiftly and pulled me into his embrace. His lips pressed against mine and he stole my kisses as if they were the life support keeping him alive that night. He inhaled my existence, leaving me feeling weak and shaky. His hands moved up the back of my shirt as he pressed his hardness against my thigh.

My body instantly fell into his touches, too. It betrayed my mind by allowing my legs to quiver in desire. His kisses tasted of whiskey, and that was the first red flag. Sure, he was old enough to drink, and sure, I wasn’t his mother and couldn’t scold him for partaking in alcohol, but the taste of the liquor burned a piece of my soul.

His kisses were filled with passion, and I hardly had enough time to register what exactly was happening. He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it to the side of the room. He pulled mine off next and did the same.

“Land…wait…” I murmured breathlessly. He pinned me against the wall and began lapping his tongue against my neck, rolling it around in small circles, sucking the skin and nibbling against me as his hips rocked against mine.

“I want you so fucking bad,” he growled into my ear as he lifted one of my legs and placed it around his waist. “I want all of you tonight, Shay…please… Can I have you? Can I taste you? Can I swallow you whole tonight?”

“Yes.” I sighed the word out, feeling ashamed of my need to give him everything he wanted, ashamed of my need to give him myself when he refused to do the same. My brain shut down, and my wants took over. I kissed him back, harder as my hips pressed against his hardness.

“You are my poison,” I whispered, pain in my breaths as my body pressed against his.

His lips rolled against my collarbone as he unbuckled my jeans. “You’re my remedy,” he swore as his mouth pressed against mine.

Panic raced through me as I deepened my kiss against his lips. I swallowed him in, knowing the way he loved me was killing me, knowing by tomorrow he’d be gone, off to a world that didn’t include me. I wasn’t welcome in whatever universe he’d been creating over the past few months. I wasn’t a part of the future he was building. I was merely a small corner of his past that he only visited during his darkest days.

I was his shadows, stupidly praying for slivers of light to shine through me.

He called me his remedy, his safe haven, his freedom, but he was the opposite of that to me. He was my weakness, my kryptonite, my gated cage. While I lifted him up, he weighed me down. It confused me how love could feel so much like a war. While Landon was becoming victorious, I was dying on the battlefield.

This isn’t love, I thought to myself.