Kaiju Preservation Society(48)

There was applause as MacDonald sat and Danso rose from her own table.

“Our first induction of the evening goes to Ion Ardeleanu,” Danso said. She pointed to where Ion Ardeleanu was sitting, and made him stand, which he did with the help of his new crutches. She held something in her hand which on slightly closer inspection revealed itself to be what looked like a cheap plastic medal on a ribbon. “Our chief biologist has had five tours of duty here at Base Tanaka and in his tenure has discovered, identified, and classified hundreds of the species of this planet. But as we learned today, in all that time, the one thing he has not discovered is that any of the creatures he’s identified and named will be happy to eat him!”

Laughs all around, and why not. Ardeleanu wasn’t dead; it’s easy to make jokes when you live.

“To commemorate his escape from the literal jaws of death, and to remind him to be more careful the next time, I am proud to this evening induct Ion into the Ancient and Sacred Order of the Tasty Snack Cake.” There was applause, and Danso walked over to Ardeleanu and placed the medal around his neck, and then gave him a peck on the cheek.

“That’s an ancient and sacred order?” I said to Kahurangi, who was sitting next to me at our table, as I applauded.

“I’m guessing they make up the ancient and sacred orders as they go,” he said.

“Thank you, Jeneba, and thank you, Tanaka Base,” Ardeleanu said, after the applause died down. “I am proud to be known as a legitimate snack”—there were groans here, of the sort that emanate when your dad uses slang he shouldn’t—“and I also hope this is the last time anything sees me as such.”

More applause here.

“But wait! Because as it turns out I am next to award an order. When I fell and was the subject of attempted consumption, once the very rude creature was removed from my leg, I was treated to the compassionate attention of Dr. Aparna Chowdhury, who first protected me from additional nibbling, and then tended to me until we made it back to base. I remember telling her that I was fine, and I remember her response, which was, and I quote, ‘Shut up.’”

There were more laughs.

“And it turns out she was right. I wasn’t fine, and she knew it. I hate being the center of attention, even when it’s because I was a tasty snack for a monster. But she kept me the center of her attention until I was safe at home. In recognition of her care of me—despite my attempts to pretend a shredded leg was no big deal—I am happy to award Dr. Chowdhury the Ancient and Sacred Order of the Very Persistent Nightingale. Aparna, you’ll have to come to me, I’m still no good on my feet.”

The applause came up and Aparna walked over quickly, got the cheap plastic medal and a hug, and then sat back down as quickly as she could. Being famous to 150 people was indeed her limit.

Ardeleanu negotiated himself back into his seat, and MacDonald stood up again. “Now it’s my turn for an induction,” she said. “Dr. Niamh Healy has been with us for—Jesus—just two weeks. And yet anyone who has spent time with Dr. Healy in those two weeks has learned, and I’m willing to bet, appreciated their absolute intolerance for bullshit. So when that parasite jumped on Ion, Dr. Healy did what Dr. Healy does, which is say, ‘This is bullshit,’ and then went to correct said bullshit. With an electric baton!”

Applause here.

“For their unwillingness to take crap either from humans or disgustingly large parasites, and their evident handiness with melee weapons, I am absolutely delighted to induct Dr. Healy into the Ancient and Sacred Order of Complete and Utter Bullshit.”

More applause, and Niamh went over to get their medal and a hug. Niamh turned to the assembled masses and held the medal up with their hand, ribbon looping around their neck.

“This is bullshit!” Niamh said. There was whooping and hollering as they sat back down.

This was Tom Stevens’s cue to stand up.

“I believe I’ve told more than a few of you about how I recruited Jamie Gray,” he said. “It involved food delivery and a last-minute need for someone to haul things around here on base.” Laughs here. “So I got lucky, but I think Jamie also got lucky. Who else among us in their first two weeks was chased by a kaiju, narrowly escaped a nuclear explosion, and then, as a capper, shot a parasite right in the face with a canister launcher? I mean, this is my third rotation, and I haven’t done a single one of those.” He looked at me. “I admit it, Jamie, I’m totally jealous.”

“You should be,” I said. This got a laugh.

“Anyone who has ever had weapons training with Riddu Tagaq—which means all of us at this point—knows that her mantra with the weapons is ‘Do you really think you’re going to do that?’ And yet, here is Jamie, who, when confronted with a parasite that would happily eat everyone on that away party, marched right up to it, yelled at it, and then shot a canister right in its mouth. Right in the damn mouth, people.”

“I am going to talk to Jamie about that,” said Riddu Tagaq, somewhere in the dining hall. This got a huge laugh.

“And so, for coolness under pressure, for giving the rest of the away team the time it needed to get Ion safely back to the helicopter, and for having the absolute nerve to ignore Riddu Tagaq, I am proud and happy to award Jamie Gray the Ancient and Sacred Order of Holy Shit Jamie Just Shot That Parasite Straight in the Mouth with a Canister Launcher.”