Kaiju Preservation Society(29)

“And when he sees Bella, he’ll go for her instead of us,” I said.

“We’ll see. That’s the plan.”

“What’s the less-great news?”

“The pheromones wear off. Quickly. We have to keep dosing him until we get him to Bella.”

I considered this. “So we have to keep close enough to him to hit him with more pheromones.”

“Yes.”

“Because if we don’t, he’ll want to kill us, in which case we’re dead.”

“Yes.”

“But if we do, and we’re sloppy, then he’ll grab us and try to fuck the helicopter. In which case we’re dead.”

“Yes.”

“And you do this all the time.”

“Yes,” Satie said. “Sort of. This is as far as we’ve ever gotten.”

“Wow, he’s close,” Kahurangi said, pointing at the monitor.

“Dose him again,” Satie said to me. “Count of five.”

I flipped the toggle switch and did a five count. Edward took the spray straight in the maw, seemed to choke and sputter in the monitor, and then disappeared.

“The hell?” Kahurangi said.

“Uhhhhh,” I said, looking around through the helicopter windows.

“He does that,” Satie observed.

“Disappear?”

“Yeah.”

“He’s a one-hundred-fifty-meter-tall nightmare. How the fuck does he disappear?” Kahurangi yelled.

“Well,” Satie said, and then Edward dive-bombed us from above, setting himself directly in our path, appendages grasping toward us.

We all screamed and Satie did a thing and our helicopter did another thing and somehow we got past Edward, but not before I saw an image I would take to my grave.

Edward’s tumescent cloaca.

After I gathered myself, I looked back at Kahurangi, who was mouth agape, eyes unblinking.

“You saw it, too,” I said.

Kahurangi nodded. “I’m going to need to get seriously shit-faced when we get back.”

“I’ll be joining you.”

“Jesus, Jamie. What is wrong with this planet?”

“He’s back on our tail,” Satie said to me. “Hit him again.”

“You sure about that?” I asked.

“If he wasn’t hopped up on that stuff, we’d already be a debris field on the jungle floor,” Satie said. “So, yeah. I’m sure. Make it six seconds this time.”



* * *



We hit Edward with three more blasts before we got to the Valley of Bella. She was awake, had her wings out, and, if possible, was even more objectively terrifying than Edward.

“It’s like she knew we were coming,” I said.

“She did,” Satie said. “She has ears. Sort of.”

“We can go now, right?” Kahurangi said.

Satie shook his head. “One more thing to do.”

I looked at Bella. “Let me guess,” I said.

“If he’s following the pheromones, they have to lead to her,” Satie said.

“And how does she feel about us?”

“She’s been hot for Edward for a while now. Let’s hope she keeps her eyes on the prize.” Satie goosed the helicopter forward.

We went at Bella straight on, Edward right behind us. Bella stood her ground.

“This could be a very bad sandwich scenario,” Kahurangi said.

“Let the canisters run,” Satie said to me. “Just make sure they’re off the instant we clear her.”

I nodded and flipped the canisters on. I could see what he planned to do.

“Very bad,” Kahurangi said. “Very, very, very, very, very bad.”

Edward started screaming. Bella started screaming back. We joined in, for what good it would do, and Satie wrenched us over what passed for Bella’s shoulder. I flipped off the canisters as we passed over her, and then there was an explosion of Earth and kaiju as Edward smashed into Bella and the two of them rolled into the ground, snapping trees like Popsicle sticks as they did so. We dodged clods of earth the size of MINI Coopers and climbed into the sky.

When we were high and far enough away, Satie turned us so we could get a look at the aftermath of our mission.

“So, uh, that’s a sight,” Kahurangi said. “I’m going to have a hell of a time trying to describe that to Dr. Pham.”

“Don’t worry, I had cameras running the whole time,” Satie said.

“What?” Kahurangi stared at Satie. “I thought you said you needed me to report back.”

“I never said I wasn’t running video.”

“I could have stayed at Tanaka!”

Satie motioned at the copulating kaiju. “You would have missed this.”

“We almost died.”

“Nah,” Satie said. “I’m good at my job.”

Kahurangi stared some more and then took off his headset, signaling he was done speaking to Satie for at least a while.

“He’ll get over it,” Satie said to me.

“Do we need to be here for this?” I asked.

“Are you kidding? This is pure science.”

“It feels like kaiju Pornhub.”