Kaiju Preservation Society(26)

“It’s nice to see you’ve been keeping busy on your first day of work.”

“Nah, Dr. Pham has had these brewing for a while. I get to work on the next set, though.”

“You must be very excited.”

“You mock me, but I am,” Kahurangi said.

“Dr. Lautagata has been very enthusiastic about our work this morning,” Dr. Pham said. It took me a moment to realize that she was referring to Kahurangi; in the three days that I had known him, I never learned his surname. Or, apparently, that he had a doctorate.

“I mean, who wouldn’t be,” I replied. “So, how many canisters am I picking up?”

Dr. Pham pointed. “These four,” she said. “And you’ll have some others to pick up from Martin, but there’s no rush on those, we won’t need them immediately. Dr. Lautagata will accompany you.”

“Good,” I said. “Then maybe Dr. Lautagata will help me get the canisters on the cart, too.”

Kahurangi grinned again and started lifting.



* * *



“These the baby-makers?” Martin Satie asked, pointing to the canisters. He sounded like he might be originally from Québec, which meant that strictly speaking, he was closer to home than any of us.

“They are,” Kahurangi said. He swatted at the tiny flies trying valiantly to eat his face, only to be frustrated by the netting. The three of us were standing on one of Tanaka Base’s helipads, on which a helicopter appeared at the ready.

Satie grunted at this and headed to the hangar by the helipad, then stopped and looked at the two of us. “Well, come on,” he said. “Let’s get this put together.”

We both looked at the helicopter, confused. “Pardon?” Kahurangi said.

“Do you think I’m gonna fly up to a kaiju, roll down a window, and throw a canister at it?” Satie said. “No, I am not. Come help me set up the scaffold.” He started walking again. Kahurangi and I looked at each other, shrugged, and followed Satie into the hangar.

The scaffold in question was a carbon-fiber structure that passed through the helicopter’s cargo hold, behind its main cabin. We put it on the helicopter while Satie secured it and then showed us how to attach the canisters, first to the scaffolding and then to an apparatus that would release the contents of the canisters. The helicopter now looked like a crop duster.

“You want to stand back now,” Satie said to us. We did as he said and stood back. Satie went into the main cabin and quickly flipped a toggle switch, and just as quickly flipped it back. The tiniest bit of the kaiju pheromone spritzed out.

“Oh, holy Jesus,” I said.

Kahurangi groaned and turned away, covering his face.

Satie laughed. “Like it?”

“Not really.”

“Describe the smell to me.”

“Are you serious right now?”

“Yes, I want to know.”

“It’s like a family of raccoons hotboxed themselves to death in a dumpster, and someone distilled their fermented remains.”

“Huh,” Satie said. “I usually just say it smells like Mal?rt, but I like your version, too.” He motioned to us. “Okay, then. Get in.”

“What?” I said.

Satie stared at us. “Which one of you is Dr. Lautagata?” Kahurangi raised his hand. “So, you need to come observe and report back to Dr. Pham.”

“Report back what?”

“How well your perfume works,” Satie said. “And you.” He pointed at me. “You have to spray the stuff when I tell you.”

“You can’t do it yourself?” I asked. “It’s just a toggle.”

“You ever fly a helicopter around an aroused and amorous kaiju?”

“I have not,” I admitted.

“Okay, then.” He looked at the two of us. “Either of you been in a helicopter before?”

“I have,” Kahurangi said.

“How did it go?”

“I threw up.”

Satie motioned to the rear of the main cabin. “You sit in the back.”



* * *



“I realize I should have asked this before I got into the helicopter,” I said, over the headset Satie gave me, “but … why are we doing this?”

“You mean why are we traveling a hundred klicks to spray a monster with horny juice?” he said.

“Yes, that.”

“Well, you know how back in the other place, we have pandas?”

“I’ve heard of them, yes,” I said, and reflected on how quickly the place I had lived all of my life up to three days ago was now “the other place.”

“Pandas are cute, but they’re not what you would call rocket scientists, and sometimes they forget how to breed, you know? So humans have to help them make a love connection. Well, kaiju are the biggest, stupidest pandas you will ever meet.”

“Kaiju forget how to have sex?” Kahurangi said.

“They forget a lot of things, I’m gonna tell you,” Satie said. “They’re the top of the evolutionary ladder here, but evolution definitely didn’t select for brains on this planet. Everything here is dim as a rock. The gentleman we’re calling on today is even less smart than your average kaiju. There’s a lady of his species one valley over from him, has been trying to make his acquaintance for the last year. Every time she comes over, he tries to fight her. So, we’re here to change his mind.”