Just a Bit Dirty (Straight Guys #10)(40)

“Anyway,” Miles said lightly. “I’m perfectly aware that this… fling has an expiration date. I’m not going to cry into your chest and cling to you when we say goodbye to each other. I’m a big boy.”

When Ian just stared at him in silence, Miles cleared his throat, looking a little lost. “I mean… Not that I’m pressuring you into more sex or anything. Really, you don’t need to dress it up if you don’t want to do this anymore. It’s okay.” He chuckled awkwardly, sitting up. “You already found another nanny for Liam, so I guess I don’t really have… any reason to stay here. I won’t be going home yet—my passport isn’t ready anyway—but I’ll move out. I have more than enough money for a hotel thanks to the ridiculous salary you paid me.” He got out of the bed, wincing a little as he moved.

Ian watched Miles dress and had to actually bite his tongue to stop himself from saying something he shouldn’t. You’re mine. You said you were mine. I will not allow you to leave.

If he said that, Miles would think he was insane. A controlling, messed up dick. People said stupid shit during sex, Ian included, and it didn’t mean anything.

Ian knew that by his silence he was allowing Miles to draw the wrong conclusion: that he had managed to fuck Miles out of his system and didn’t really want him anymore. Ian knew it had hurt Miles, no matter what Miles said. But it was better than him finding out just how fucked up Ian was. He could be unselfish for once, dammit.

You destroy everything you touch. Regina’s voice sounded in his head, as sweet as it was poisonous. You know you’re the one who drove me back to the drugs. Deep down, you know it. Your coldness, your suffocating, controlling ways, your vindictiveness, your anger issues, your perverse desires, your selfishness—you’re goddamn poison, Ian.

Ian watched Miles pull out his suitcase from the closet. It was already mostly packed. It wouldn’t take Miles long to stuff the rest of his belongings into it.

Gritting his teeth, Ian got out of the bed and started dressing. He didn’t want to be here when Miles left. He couldn’t be here. He didn’t trust himself at all.

Miles’s voice stopped him in the doorway. “Thank you,” he said softly. “For everything you did to help me figure myself out.”

Ian bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted blood. Being a good man had never been so difficult.

“Tell my driver to give you a ride,” he said in a clipped voice and strode away.

He ignored how empty his chest felt.

He was used to it.





Chapter 14


Miles was getting into a cab when his phone vibrated in his hand. He glanced at it without really seeing it before his gaze finally focused.

He winced when he saw who the text was from: Shawn.

Dammit. Derek had likely told him what he’d seen a few hours ago.

Bracing himself, Miles tapped on the message, opening it.

Hi! Are you still awake? Can I call you?

Miles sighed, staring out the dark window as the car started moving. Trying to explain himself to Shawn was the least appealing thing he could think of at the moment, but he probably owed the Rutledges an explanation.

He typed, Yeah. Can I swing by your house? I wanted to talk to you.

The reply came almost immediately.

Sure. I’ll be waiting.

I’ll be there soon.

Miles sighed again. Turning to the driver, he told him the Rutledges’ address. He was now glad he hadn’t taken Ian up on his offer to borrow his driver.

Ian.

Miles sagged back against the seat and stared out the window again. He… He didn’t know what he was feeling at the moment. A strange, gnawing feeling seemed to have coiled in his stomach, an emotion he couldn’t quite name. He didn’t know what it was. He felt… sad? There was sadness, definitely—mostly because he regretted not kissing Liam goodbye and explaining to him why he was leaving—but it wasn’t just that. There was another feeling he couldn’t quite identify, one that made his insides tight.

“Don’t be an idiot,” he muttered under his breath. Ian had made it clear he was already over him, that this… thing should end now. Miles agreed with him. He did. He’d told Ian he was quitting for this very reason. He needed to go before he could forget that he didn’t really belong in that house, before he could get too invested in Liam and vice versa. Before he could forget what it felt like to live without Ian’s eyes on him.

Miles grimaced and shifted in his seat, immediately regretting it when a slight discomfort shot through his ass. He felt a little sore and generally gross. He had left so fast that he hadn’t even taken a shower after the sex. He could only hope he didn’t reek of sex.

He could only hope Shawn wouldn’t notice anything. It was bad enough that he felt like the worst sort of traitor after being caught kissing the man they’d asked him to keep an eye on, but to add insult to injury, he felt like he had wronged Ian, not the Rutledges. The whole spying thing had never sat well with him, and it was something he’d carefully avoided thinking about for the past few weeks. It was a good thing that his and Ian’s… fling had ended before Ian could find out about it. He could only imagine how angry Ian would have been if he ever found out. Now he never would. Because they were over, which was a good thing. It was.