Irresistible (Cloverleigh Farms #1)(66)

I’d lain awake all night long hearing her voice in my head. I’m not going anywhere. You know that, right? And then I’d picture her the way she’d looked kneeling at my feet, so sweet and sexy and happy, and my heart felt like it was going to explode. It was too much. Things had moved too fast, and my feelings for her were running too deep. She was all I wanted, and I wanted her all the time.

How had I let this happen?

Sitting at the bar, Woods and I caught up over local IPAs, wings, burgers, and fries. He told me how things were going for him downstate, about his job as groundskeeper for a country club, and the work he was doing on their house. He also grumbled a fair amount about the cost and planning of the wedding and said he’d be glad when it was all over. “I can’t fucking look at another flower, cake, or seating arrangement,” he said. “Seriously, just shoot me first.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Yes. I have absolutely no opinions on that shit and she doesn’t seem to understand that. It’s like she takes it personally. I tell her all I care about is that we walk out of there married. She could wear a paper bag for all I care.”

“Oh, Jesus.” I shook my head. “You did not say that to her.”

“I did. She was not pleased with me.” He took another sip of his beer and set the glass down. “So when are you gonna tell me what’s up with you?”

I picked up my beer and frowned into it. There was no use pretending with Woods. We knew each other too well. “I think I fucked up.”

“I’m sure you did.”

I tried to smile, but couldn’t.

“Shit. You’re serious. Is it one of the kids?”

“No.” I took a few swallows and set the glass down. “It’s Frannie Sawyer.”

“Frannie Sawyer? What about her?”

I looked over at him. Met his eyes but said nothing.

He got it in a heartbeat. “Jesus. Did you?”

Lifting my glass again, I nodded. “Yeah. I did. Multiple times. It’s sort of an ongoing fuck-up.”

“Shit.” He rubbed a hand over his jaw. “How old is she?”

“Twenty-seven.”

“Oh. Well, that’s not bad. Are you worried about Sawyer?”

“I’m worried about a lot of things.” I shook my head. “I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking, starting something with her. I don’t have time for a girlfriend. I barely have time to piss with the bathroom door shut.”

Woods laughed. “I bet.”

“It’s impossible to be alone with her. The kids are always around.”

Woods ran a hand through his hair. “She’s probably great with the kids, though.”

“Yeah,” I said dully. “They’re crazy about her.”

“Do they know about the two of you?”

I shook my head. “Not yet. It’s only been a few weeks. But it’s getting harder and harder to keep it from them, especially since she’s at the house a few days a week. And I know she wants to tell them.”

“You don’t?”

“No. I don’t want them to feel like they’re getting less of me, I don’t want to throw a major wrench into their lives when we’re finally doing okay, and I don’t want them to get attached to the idea that she’s going to be around forever,” I said, getting worked up. “Because she’s not.”

“How do you know?”

“Why would she be? I can’t give her what she wants.”

He sipped his beer again. “What does she want that you can’t give her?”

“Time. Attention. A future. I know for a fact she wants a husband and kids. I can’t be that guy. I’m never getting married again.”

“Have you told her that?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m an asshole.”

“Well, sure, but …”

I couldn’t even laugh. “Because I don’t want to give her up. It’s so wrong on so many levels, I know it is, but it’s also so fucking good. Not just the sex, either, although that part is unbelievable. She’s all young and hot and”—I struggled for the right word—“enthusiastic.”

Woods burst out laughing. “You definitely don’t want unenthusiastic sex.”

“But that’s what I was used to. Uninspiring, unexciting, unenthusiastic, obligatory sex with someone who didn’t actually give a shit about me. She never even knew me.”

“No?”

I shook my head. “No, everything spun out of control so fast when Carla got pregnant, and I did three tours practically back to back, and suddenly we had three kids, a mortgage, and a stockpile of weapons to use against each other.”

“That’s tough.”

I took another drink of my beer. “It was always all about Carla—what she wanted, what she wasn’t getting, what I was doing wrong as a husband. With Frannie, it’s so different. She wants to know me. She’s so easy to be with. She loves the girls. She puts up with a lot of shit that no one else would. And …” I took a deep breath. “She cooks. She fucking comes over and cooks for us because I’m too clueless and exhausted to figure out how to feed my kids healthy food at the end of the day.”