Invisible(53)

    “Do you do it for you, or for him?” he asked her after a glass of wine. He was disappointed about his play, but happy for her. Her career was taking off like lightning, in part because of Hamish and the opportunities he created for her.

She thought about it before she answered. She was always honest with him, and tried to be with herself. “For both. But mostly for him. It means so much to him. I’m still writing, and I’ll do a screenplay one day. And I do love the roles he finds for me. He says I’ll write better and be a better director if I’ve done some acting first.”

“You can’t just do what he wants, though, no matter how good he is to you,” and there was no denying that. “You have to follow what you want too,” Jake reminded her.

“I do, and I will, but the acting is working for now. It probably won’t be forever.”

“It might be, if you’re good at it, and have some big hits. You won’t be able to get out of it then.”

“I’m not his prisoner,” she corrected him. “I’m doing it willingly. And it’s fun.”

“Don’t give up your writing!” he scolded her.

“I won’t,” she promised.

“Have you heard from your father?” He was almost afraid to ask. She’d been in England for fifteen months by then.

“No, and I won’t,” she said simply. “He’s written me off. He won’t back down. He never does. And I think he waited years to ‘divorce’ me, like he did my mother. He can’t tell us apart, especially now that I’m acting.” She seemed at peace about it. “I actually don’t miss him. Hamish is almost like a father to me at times.” Jake looked worried when she said that.

    “You don’t need a father anymore, Antonia. All you need is yourself.”

“He’s a father, a partner, a lover, a teacher. There are a lot of facets to him and our relationship.” She smiled at Jake, and he could see how happy she was. He hadn’t found anything like it yet himself, and so far, all his romantic relationships had been short-term. For now, his career came first, which every one of his girlfriends had objected to.

“Maybe you’re right. God knows, I haven’t gotten that part of my life right yet. I went out with two gorgeous young actresses during my brief disastrous Broadway run. One turned out to be sleeping with half the cast and I didn’t know it. Possibly the entire cast. And the other one had a girlfriend she was madly in love with, and she only went out with me to see if she still liked men, and realized she didn’t. I think I need some nice girl from the Midwest with a normal job. Actresses are too complicated for me.” He smiled ruefully and she laughed.

“Hamish saved me from all the creeps I kept meeting, like Jeff in L.A., and all the narcissistic young actors who are madly in love with themselves.” Hamish adored her and she loved him, and their relationship was passionate and worked for both of them. Jake was still too young to find a serious woman and settle down. She couldn’t see him marrying for years. Hamish was older, which was different.

He joined them when he came back from seeing the dailies. He told her how great her performance had been that day. Jake had seen it in person and agreed. Hamish poured himself a glass of wine, and another for Jake, and eventually she went to bed and left them to each other. Hamish was advising him on his career and which producers to avoid. She loved that they got along.

    Jake stayed after that for a few more days, and noticed how attentive everyone was to Antonia. They were treating her like a star, she was learning her trade with great thought and preparation, and he thought Hamish was right and she would be a big star one day. He said it to Antonia that night.

“Ugh, don’t talk to me about it. I hate it when they fuss over me on the set. It makes me feel like a fraud. I’m not a big star, not yet. I haven’t earned it. Hamish has opened some doors for me, now I need to prove I’m worthy of it, but bowing and scraping and kissing my ass,” she said bluntly, which Jake loved about her, “doesn’t make it true. I have to earn it or it isn’t worth a damn. I hate that anyway. I’m a normal person. I want to be treated like one.”

“You’re in the wrong business for that. It’s all about being a star. Or pretending to be one, if you aren’t.”

“It’s all fraudulent,” she said. “That’s why I like the other side of the camera better. It’s real. From that side, you’re looking out at the world. From the other side, the world is looking at you. I hate that,” she said with feeling, and he knew it was true. She hated being the center of attention.

“Still hiding and trying to be invisible?”

She hesitated and then nodded.

“I’ll probably always try to be invisible,” she said honestly. “It’s who I am. You can hide in the characters you play as an actor or actress, but when you’re invisible, no one can see you at all.”

    “You’re too wonderful to hide,” he said gently.

“Sometimes all the attention is just too much. I’m not good at it. If I didn’t have Hamish to hide behind, I’d be miserable.”

They spent some really nice moments together before he left. They could say anything to each other, and she was sad to see him leave. Hamish took her out to dinner that night, to cheer her up, and they had a fun evening at a small lively local neighborhood bistro in the village next to the chateau. They both loved France, and Hamish spoke fluent French, which made it easier.