Into the Light (The Light, #1)(24)

Due to my injuries my options were limited, but they did exist. Jacob had made that clear. I could obey his and Father Gabriel’s rules or disobey them—it was up to me. In my darkened world, I decided to do my best to obey. I definitely had issues with what I was obeying, with how my husband believed he had the right to exercise complete domination at his discretion. I didn’t understand how I’d gotten to this point or why I’d agreed to this in the past. However, the large gaps—really, gaping caverns—in my memory gave me hope. I must’ve had a reason. Apparently at one time I’d willingly chosen him and this life. I must have seen more to my husband. Maybe if I learned to think like Sara, I could figure out how to survive.

Following Dr. Newton’s examination, I’d admittedly been overwhelmed. I had been rendered powerless to communicate, my emotions too jumbled to articulate. At that time, my body began to surrender, but as I drifted toward nothingness, my mind fought back. During my outburst I’d learned something about myself. I’d learned that I was a survivor, not a quitter, and I wouldn’t quit fighting.

My verbal tirade had come from the depths of panic. If I wanted to win my fight—if I wanted not only to survive, but to recover and remember—I needed to battle smarter.

My first goal was to get stronger. And as I did, I needed to understand my battlefield. Lashing out in the darkness wasn’t, and wouldn’t be, successful. I needed to size up my opponents, distinguish my allies from my enemies, and learn the rules of my new war.

Jacob believed I already knew his and Father Gabriel’s rules, and he expected me to follow them. I’d obey as long as those rules helped me heal and gain strength. Plus, admittedly, I didn’t want to fight alone. I needed allies in this strange world. It seemed clear that my battle would be better fought with Jacob than against him.

I’d heard his determination when he answered Brother Timothy and Sister Lilith’s questions, and when he argued with Dr. Newton. I’d also felt his slap—his correction.

Jacob stood strong for what he believed, and he believed that I was his wife, Sara. He was willing to fight for that. I was going to fight to discover myself. If I truly was Sara, then we were striving for the same thing.

Since my eyes were covered and my speaking was restricted, my battle plan was to concentrate on surveillance. I’d spend my days as a sponge, absorbing everything around me. In many ways sight blinded people to the truth, and in my current condition I wasn’t preoccupied by appearances or visual distractions. The bandages allowed me to go beyond the surface and hear the true intentions of those around me.

“Sara,” Jacob said, pulling me from my thoughts and back to the present.

He held a straw to my lips. As I sipped, the water moistened my throat, helping me wash down the oatmeal he’d been feeding me. I’d obediently accepted each spoonful but I hadn’t liked it. It was warm and slightly sweet, but it was also thick, too thick to drink and yet not thick enough to chew. Thankfully, it hadn’t been my only food. I’d also had a banana and toast and had even been allowed to hold them and feed myself. As I continued sipping the water, he spoke.

“I’m going to need to leave soon for Assembly. I wanted to talk to Sister Lilith, to remind her that you’re still not cleared to speak. I’ll talk with Raquel, and she can relay my message. I don’t want her trying to . . . well, even if she tells you that you’re cleared to speak, remember that I said no.”

I had no intention of speaking with Sister Lilith, though I was becoming increasingly curious about what she planned to say. Since Jacob and I were still alone, I whispered, “I promise, I won’t speak.” I got the feeling that this training made him as uncomfortable as it did me. If we were fighting on the same side, I wanted to reassure him that my compliance wasn’t in question. “I’ve given everything you’ve told me a lot of thought. You can trust me to do as you’ve said.” I reached to find his hand. Once I found it, I added, “I hope you already do . . . trust me, I mean. After all, we’re married. You trusted me enough to ask me to be your wife, didn’t you?” I was fishing for more about our past.

He cleared his throat. “Um, yes.”

I didn’t know what his answer meant, but I tried for more. “May I continue?”

“Sara, we have rules, not just my rules—the community’s rules, The Light’s rules. I’m sure reminding you of some of those will be part of Sister Lilith’s plan.”

“OK.”

“Tell me you remember them. After all, we’ve lived and abided by The Light for a while now.”

How long is a while? I pressed my lips together and lowered my chin. “I’m sorry, I don’t. I want to.” I did. I wanted to understand the world around me.

“That’s why it’s better to listen when Sister Lilith is here. Be cautious of what you agree to or disagree with. She and Brother Timothy have been very suspicious of what preceded your accident. I don’t want her interpreting your lack of memory as guilt.”

A sheen of perspiration coated my freshly washed skin. “B-but,” I stuttered, “I really don’t remember. Please.” I squeezed his hand. “You answered their questions before. What you said, that’s all I know. Tell me what happened.”

“I will, but not yet.”

“Why?”