In an Instant(74)

The sound when she walks is like crumpling paper. My dad keeps his poker face, but my mom’s laughter can’t be contained, and she bursts into giggles, wine spitting from her lips. Aubrey laughs, too, a small giggle that erupts into side-stitching hysterics that spread like a virus to all of them until my mom is swearing she’s going to pee her pants.

Chloe plays up the moment, pulling Vance from his chair and waltzing with him across the room. Aubrey and Ben join in, Ben swinging Aubrey around as they pretend to bounce off the billows of green tulle. Bingo jumps around and yips like a pup. My dad sits with his braced leg extended out from the table, grinning ear to ear as he admires it all. My mom’s eyes slide to look at him, and he feels it and turns her way. She quickly looks away, but his eyes linger, more than pheromones. I see it: the love of a lifetime, his one and only.

Aubrey and Ben volunteer to do the dishes, and together they go into the kitchen.

Chloe disappears with Vance to the backyard.

My mom and dad settle on the couch, my dad’s leg propped on the coffee table.

“Jack,” my mom starts, but his lips on hers stop her. “Not tonight,” he says. “Tonight is good and normal, and I just want it to last.”

“And tomorrow? Will you still be here tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow I’ll be here, and we’ll figure it out then.”

My mom rests her head against his shoulder, and my dad closes his eyes, and I wonder if it could stay this simple.



Aubrey dries her hands on the dish towel, refolds it, and hangs it on the oven door before saying, “Do you think there’s a heaven?”

Ben shakes his head and wraps his arms around her. He’s so much more affectionate than I thought. When they’re alone, he can’t keep his hands or lips off Aubrey. He’s always hugging and kissing her and telling her he loves her, marveling that he has the right to do so, like he can’t believe she’s really his.

I like him very much from this perspective.

“When you die, you die,” he says.

“That’s sad,” she says, relaxing against him as he kisses her hair.

“More sad than existing in a world apart from everyone you left behind?”

Aubrey thinks about this. “It’s just the other’s so permanent.” Of everyone I love who remains, I feel as if Aubrey feels me the least, our connection severed almost instantly after I died. But it does not mean she doesn’t think of me. Tonight she misses me, and she misses Oz. “My brother loved holidays,” she says into Ben’s shirt.

“I remember,” Ben says. “I’ve never seen anyone so excited about Christmas in my life.”

Aubrey smiles and nods. Oz had his very own Santa suit, and he started his quest for gifts as early as Halloween. He loved the decorations, the food, the customs, but mostly he loved that our family was together so much. He said it all the time. Christmas is coming. It means Aubrey will be home, and Mom won’t have to work.

“He’s at peace,” Ben says, and I watch as his eyes drift to the night sky through the window as if imagining it. “Finn too.”

Aubrey looks into the blackness with him, then returns her gaze to his and paints a smile on her face. “Five weeks,” she says. “I can’t believe it.”

He lifts her off her feet and swings her around. “Yep. In five weeks, you’re all mine.” Setting her down, he backs her against the sink, and his fingers thread through her hair as he kisses her.

I can’t believe I didn’t like this guy.



“Should I stay?” Vance asks, more prayer than optimism in his voice. “Or should I go back to Big Bear?”

Chloe touches his cheek and gives a sad smile. In her eyes is the wish that things had turned out differently, along with the hard truth that Vance’s greatest loss that day was not his fingers. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” she says.

“I wish I could do it over,” he mumbles.

“I don’t,” Chloe says. “I wish it never happened.”

“Well, yeah, but if it did happen, I wish I could do my part different.”

Silence sits between them.

“What now?” she says. “When fall comes, will you go to UC Santa Barbara?”

He shakes his head. “School’s not my thing. I want to finish looking for Oz. We’re almost done with the grid, and I want to finish it.”

“And then?”

“Then I don’t know. Maybe I’ll stay there for a while. There’s lots of work, and I like it in the mountains.”

“No more tennis?” she asks sadly.

He holds up his wounded hands, then drops them to his lap. “Truth is I was second rate. It’s not like I was ever going to be good enough to turn pro.”

“You were good,” she says.

He shrugs. “Past tense. What’s weird is how much I don’t miss it, like this weight of expectation is gone. Living with your dad, it’s been good for me. He’s a fuckup like me.”

Chloe’s face darkens.

“Not in a bad way,” Vance goes on quickly. “But in the way that he didn’t go to college, bummed around awhile, didn’t follow a clear path, but somehow still did it right, still ended up with your mom and having a family. That’s why I said I wish I could do it over. Not because I want the accident to happen again—I would never want that. But because I know I’d do better, be more like your dad.”