In an Instant(44)

“That second night I was out there,” Chloe says, her voice tight and her eyes fixed on the silver line of the horizon, “I wanted to die.” She shudders with the memory of the cold, and Mo wraps her arms around herself. “If I could have stopped my heart, I would have. People think burning to death is the worst way to die, but they’re wrong. Cold burns worse than flame, and it takes longer, each part of you freezing one cell at a time, so painful your mind can’t deal with it.”

Mo’s face goes pale with her own memory, but Chloe doesn’t notice, completely lost in the confession she’s refused everyone who’s asked.

“You’ll do anything to stop it,” she says. “And you realize what a coward you are, how little your life means to you. You just want it to end. So much so I envy Finn—that the decision was made for her, and that it’s just over.”

Mo stands frozen, and I know she heard it, Chloe’s use of the present tense. And unfair as it is for this burden to be put on her when she has already endured so much, I am glad, and I pray she will not dismiss or ignore it.

Chloe straightens, and her focus returns. “Finn was there,” she says. “The second night, she was with me. I know it sounds crazy, but she was. She came and sat with me.”

Chloe glances at Mo, looking for judgment, but all she finds is compassion.

“She talked to me,” Chloe says. “It’s vague, and I don’t remember the things she said, but it was her, and she was totally Finn, chattering a million miles a minute, moving from one subject to the next without finishing what she was saying about the thing before.”

I laugh because I totally do that.

“You saw her?” Mo asks, a hint of envy in her voice.

“No, but she still visits sometimes.”

“She talks to you?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know?”

“I just do. Sometimes she hangs out in our room with me.”

I pirouette and cheer. Chloe knows I’m here.

Mo’s about to respond when a voice behind them interrupts.

“Chloe.”

Both Mo and Chloe turn to see Aubrey walking down the ramp.

“They found him. Dad’s home,” Aubrey yells. “Mom told me to come and get you. Hey, Mo.”

“Hey, Aub,” Mo says, her face transforming into a mask of the perfect, well-adjusted teenager, exactly who Aubrey expects her to be, and Chloe transforms back into the damaged, dysfunctional teenager who is suddenly barely able to take a step without nearly collapsing, exactly who Aubrey expects her to be.

Mo doesn’t say a word about Chloe’s act. Coolly going along with the charade, she takes Chloe by the arm and supports her as they walk back across the beach, Chloe wincing with each step.

“I’ll bring the car around,” Aubrey says.

When she’s out of sight, Chloe turns back to the ocean and says to Mo, “The ocean is going to miss her.”

And I smile and cry a little because she’s so right.





53

I return to our house and to the middle of a heated argument.

“Damn it, Jack, are you trying to kill yourself?”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m trying to do,” my dad barks from the couch, where he lies gray and drenched with sweat, his leg propped on a pillow.

“Where the hell were you?”

“None of your business.”

“It is my business. Aubrey’s looking for you. Chloe’s looking for you. I called Bob.”

“Yeah? You called Bob?” he spits. “What a surprise. Good old Bob’s been quite a pal to you lately.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know exactly what the hell that means. The question is, does your best friend, Karen, know what a pal he’s been, or do you just not tell her when you call him and he comes running?”

My mom’s nose flares, and I swear if it were possible, steam would be blowing from her ears. “Nothing is going on between me and Bob, and for your information, Bob’s been amazing. He practically ran the search for Oz—”

“GET OUT,” my dad roars. The explosion causes a violent coughing fit that leaves him breathless. He spits his words through it. “Get the hell out. Don’t you dare stand there and tell me what a big help Bob was in looking for my son. Oz is dead. You left him, and Bob didn’t watch out for him.”

My mom falls back a step.

“NOW.” My dad tries to push himself up, but his strength is gone, and all he manages to do is incite more coughing.

My mom flees to the kitchen, where she leans against the counter, her shoulders, her neck, and her body stooped in a way I’ve never seen before, both my parents older and smaller than I remember them.





54

Aubrey stayed the night, and it was a godsend. When she is around, my family is on their best behavior, my parents doing a remarkable job of acting like they did before the accident, like the poster couple for a difficult but remarkable marriage. My dad calls my mom hon, and my mom brings him beers and teases him about being his servant. It’s all pretend for Aubrey’s sake, but I’ll take faking it if it means a day better than yesterday.

For breakfast, my mom serves up lemon-ricotta pancakes in the living room on the coffee table, and my dad pretends to be in good spirits. He jokes with Aubrey about the old priest Ben’s mom is insisting marry them.