If You Stay (Beautifully Broken, #1)(69)

And they are. She really has no idea. She wasn’t there to see the look on Pax’s face when he found out that his dad had hidden everything for years. The gut-wrenching betrayal that lived in his eyes. I really wasn’t sure that he’d ever be able to forgive his father.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do,” I finally admit to her in a whisper, collapsing onto the chair with my sister. She wraps a slender arm around me.

“Do you love him?” she asks, staring into my eyes. Without hesitation, I nod.

“Is he worth the heartache and the effort?”

Her face is grave and somber as she brushes the hair out of my eyes.

I nod again.

“Pax is worth anything.”

Madison smiles. “I thought you would say that. My advice to you then, little sister, is that you go talk to him. He’s trying very hard. I admire that. I have to respect it. And I know he loves you.”

I am frozen. Utterly frozen. I can practically feel my heart beating in my ears.

“What are you waiting for?” Maddy asks me gently, pushing at my shoulder. “Go.”

So I do.

********

[page]The drive to Pax’s house has never taken so long before. But even still, I sit in my car for a couple of minutes after I pull into his drive. Danger is parked in front of me, so I know he is home. I am filled with both breathless anticipation and utter anxiety as I slosh through the muddy snow to his door.

What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if I took too long to get to this point? What if it’s too late?

I take a few deep breaths as I stand on Pax’s front porch.

Deep breath in, deep breath out.

Repeat.

I ring the doorbell, then knock. I am suddenly overwhelmed by the need to see his face, to see him healthy and strong. I want to see his eyes without pain in them. My stomach clenches again and again as I wait. It seems to take forever and when the door finally opens, I am breathless.

For the first time in a month, Pax is standing in front of me, filling up the doorframe.

He is so beautiful in jeans and a black shirt. No one can carry off casual like he can.

My knees feel weak.

His eyes widen when he sees me, but then he smoothes his expression out. He’s casual now, friendly. But cautious. Clearly cautious.

“Hi, Red,” he says quietly, watching my face. Waiting for me to say something. I am the one who came to see him, after all. I swallow. I have to restrain myself from vaulting into his arms.

“Hi.”

Oh my god. I want to say a thousand things and all I say is hi? I’m a lunatic.

“Can I come in?” I quickly add. Pax smiles and gestures with his arm.

“Of course. Anytime. You know that. Can I get you something to drink? A water, maybe?”

Why is he being so formal? My heart twinges a bit. Did I wait too long? Has he moved on?

The thought practically paralyzes me, but I still manage to decline the water and follow him into his living room. I glance around as I sit. He hasn’t changed his house any. It is still light and airy, a modern loft, perfectly neat and clean. A part of me deep down is relieved. If he hasn’t changed his house, maybe he hasn’t changed his feelings for me.

Even I know that thought is irrational as hell. But I think I’m grasping at straws.

“How are you?” I ask, staring at him. “Are you okay?”

He thrums his long fingers against his denim-clad thigh. He’s still working out. That much is apparent. I can see the hard muscle through the fabric. I gulp.

He smiles. “I’m doing really well. I won’t lie, though. It’s been hard as hell to wrap my mind around everything. But it’s given me perspective. And this past month, I’ve sort of isolated myself and just focused on things I need to change. I wanted to make sure that I gave you a reason to want to be with me.”

He pauses.

And my heart pauses as he looks at me. His golden eyes are so warm and vibrant. How had I ever thought they were cold?

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, Mila. And you were right to turn me away a month ago. You really were. I’ve spent a lot of time worrying that I’d completely f*cked up with you, that you’d never forgive me. Or that I’d hurt you so badly that you’d never want to look at me again.”

I start to interrupt, but he holds up his hand. “Please. Just let me finish. I’ve thought about what I would say to you a hundred times. I’m so happy to have the chance to say it.”

I close my mouth and nod. He smiles gently.

“Mila, I’ve said this before, but you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. You are beautiful inside and out. I don’t deserve to have met you. I don’t deserve you in any way. But there’s nothing I want more than to be with you. To wake up beside you for the rest of my life. I am so grateful that you stuck by me for as long as you did. And all I want to know now is what I can do to make you stick with me again? You name it and I’ll do it. Anything.”

He waits, his eyes glued to mine and I feel overwhelmed by emotion, completely choked up.

“I haven’t waited too long?” I finally manage to say. Pax looks surprised.

“What do you mean?” he asks bewilderedly. “Of course not. I said I would wait forever for you. I meant it.”

Tears are streaming down my cheeks as I launch myself into his arms. We fold into each other and I bury myself against his chest. He smells the same, like the outdoors and the fresh air. I inhale him and then he tilts my chin up, his lips meeting mine.