If You Must Know (Potomac Point #1)(84)

“Sorry,” I mumbled, glancing toward Lexi to escape Eli’s glare. She shot me a questioning look. My subtle shake of the head was meant to keep her away.

Eli shifted in his seat again, and I half expected him to ask me to go. “The thing is, I’ve been creeped out ever since that day. There’ve been times since Karen died when I would’ve sworn I felt her—when I’d honestly believed I had—but they’d been more like a dream or a wish. Now I’m walking around wondering if she’s here with me all the time—watching me, hearing my thoughts, listening to my conversations—like right now, sitting here with you. I hate that idea, which makes me feel shitty because I loved her and would give anything for her to be alive. I’m truly effed-up.”

The layers of emotion he’d unpacked settled around me like discarded diary pages tossed in the air. The moment felt fraught, as if our booth had become a spring-loaded booby trap I could trip with one wrong word.

“It’s hard for me to know what to say because I’ve never lost someone I loved that much. Well, I loved my dad, but that’s different. Still, part of me likes the idea that he might be around all the time, and that he actually hears me when I’m talking to him. And that maybe he’s enjoying when I play a favorite album and picture something we’d done together while listening to it. Sure, there are some things I wouldn’t want him seeing or knowing”—my cheeks grew hot because I was thinking about sex, at which point I started looking at everything but Eli—“but he probably wouldn’t want to see them, either, so I bet he’d make himself scarce whenever they cropped up. Heaven is supposed to be better than earth, so there have got to be better things for spirits to do than spy on us twenty-four seven, right? I guess I think spirits only come back now and then to check in and make sure people are getting on okay without them.”

When I looked up at Eli, he surprised me with a wide grin. “You’re odd. You know that, right?”

His affectionate tone kept me from being offended. Besides, who can fault a guy who admires uniqueness? “So I’ve been told. My dad found me charming, so I’ve never felt the need to fit in.”

He drummed his thumbs on the table again. “Your dad sounds like a wise man.”

“He was wise and kind and warm and wonderful.” Traits Eli seemed to share. No wonder I felt some familiarity even though we barely knew each other.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.” I leaned forward.

“Why are you here on a Saturday night alone?”

“I’m not alone, remember? I came with my friend.” I pointed in Lexi’s direction again, in case he hadn’t believed me before.

“I meant, why aren’t you on a date?”

My brows rose. “You know how well my last relationship turned out. Add to that my brother-in-law’s latest stunt, and you’d get why my focus is elsewhere.”

He frowned. “What did your brother-in-law do?”

“Oh shoot.” I covered my mouth while debating how to dig out of this hole. In truth, Eli hardly seemed like a guy who mingled and gossiped.

“Can you keep a secret—I mean, seriously keep one?” When he nodded, the idea of discussing Lyle with someone other than my mom and sister came as a relief. “The short version is that he ran off with a bimbo, leaving my sister alone and pregnant. There’s more to it, but Amanda and I don’t have the kind of relationship where I feel I can say more, if you know what I mean.”

“Mm, only child here, so I can’t claim to get the nuances of sibling relationships.”

“I remember.” We smiled at each other, perhaps both harkening back to the bench outside the post office. With the music playing in the background, anyone—including me—could’ve mistaken us as being on a date, eagerly learning bits and pieces of information about each other. If Karen was floating around, I hoped she liked me enough to whisper in Eli’s ear that he could lean on me as he took his first steps forward without her.

“That’s all unfortunate,” he added, “but you seem too young to be cynical about men.”

“Not so young. Just immature.” I winked, and he chuckled. “And not entirely cynical. There are plenty of men out there like my dad. But my thirtieth birthday is soon, and I need to get myself together before I involve anyone else.”

“That doesn’t sound immature.”

“An anomaly, I promise.” I laughed. “Meanwhile, you talk like you’re an old man, yet you can’t be more than thirty-four.”

“Thirty-six . . . despite the baby face.” He circled his face with one hand.

“It’s the eyes.” I could stare into them forever—so bright—like a sunny sky after days of rain. For a few precious seconds we gazed at each other as if there weren’t another thing on earth worth seeing.

The waitress killed the moment when she stopped by to check if we needed refills. We both declined. After she left, Eli folded his arms on the table. “Everyone’s a work in progress, so don’t put your love life on hold while you evolve.”

I’d been around the block enough to recognize the subtle cast of that line, and starving fish that I was, I risked the bite. “If the right man came along—someone honest and interesting—I’d probably throw my heart in the ring again.”