If You Must Know (Potomac Point #1)(65)

Erin made a doubtful face before popping the tab on her can.

“What?”

She shrugged. “Grandpa had dementia . . . but even if Mom’s trouble is situational, there’s no guarantee that will resolve anytime soon, or ever. We both know Lyle could get away with it, especially if you don’t involve the authorities. Then she’ll be depressed and broke. She needs rainy-day money for another twenty to thirty years—”

“You think I don’t know that?” I snapped, suspecting a part of Erin was enjoying my fall from grace.

She set down what remained of her muffin. “Don’t bark at me because you don’t like the facts. We need to be realistic so we can figure stuff out. I can kick in some rent to help, but my living at home is not a long-term solution. And even with me there, accidents still happen.”

“Clearly.” I twisted the cap off the milk and swallowed a gulp while shifting the guilt from myself back to her.

Erin winced. “You think you can do better? Be my guest.”

“I’m sorry.” I set the milk down, ashamed and exhausted. I didn’t want to be at odds with Erin. I’d never wanted that, yet we’d never learned how to break that cycle. “I’m not myself today.”

Erin relaxed into her seat. “I thought you looked pasty. Maybe you should get checked out, too.”

“I’m fine.”

“But the baby . . .” Erin bit her lower lip, genuine concern in her eyes.

Trusting my sister had never been easy, but in a single year I’d lost my father and my husband, and was now facing the possibility of slowly losing my mother as well. Erin and I needed to become friends. If we’d managed that sooner, I might’ve trusted her instincts about Lyle from the beginning. Although it felt as if I were flinging myself in front of a bus, I pushed myself to try. “If I tell you something, will it stay between us?”

Erin tugged at her earlobe, grimacing. “The part of me that can’t imagine anything worse than what I already know doesn’t want to hear another word. But you obviously need someone to talk to, so hit me with it. I promise to keep it in the vault.”

“It turns out that Lyle not only lied to me about his childhood, but he was also married before.”

Erin’s eyes narrowed, but she didn’t look shocked. “Did Stan find this out?”

I walked her through my conversation with Lyle’s father, stomach tight in anticipation of snarky comments and a series of eye rolls. She remained thoughtfully silent instead. I sat back, hands clasped together and resting on the table. “I expected an ‘I told you so.’ You always said Lyle was too good to be true.”

My sister wouldn’t meet my gaze. Seeing her acting uncomfortable in her own skin—something rarer than a pay phone—unnerved me.

“I’m not happy to have been right. I wish I would’ve . . . spoken up more.” Finally she met my gaze. “A narcissist. What does that really mean?”

“Trust me, I’ll be doing some homework.”

Erin waved a hand. “Don’t look back, Amanda. We can’t change past mistakes, so let’s deal with the facts and move forward.”

That MO did not surprise me, nor did it persuade me. I never charged ahead without first understanding how I’d arrived at where I was.

“Did you file for divorce?” she asked.

I rubbed my forehead. “I know I should, but I’m paralyzed. He’s taken most of our money. I don’t have a full-time job or health insurance—and I’m about to give birth. I don’t even control my home, because we’re both on the deed. How will I raise this baby now? I’m ill-equipped, and for the first time in my life, I’ve got no options.”

“You have options. Your old boss loves you. Start subbing, and sooner or later you’ll get rehired. Mom and I will help with the baby. Kev will help you with the legal stuff . . .”

Her matter-of-fact delivery made it all sound easy, but she’d ignored my emotionally crippled state. The code I’d believed in—the golden rule I’d lived by—had failed me. Without that life road map, I couldn’t navigate ahead. “Lyle strung me along these past weeks. I’m mortified by the hours I’ve wasted thinking about how to forgive him. And just when I was feeling a little stronger, the full depth of his deception has knocked me down again.” I looked at the ceiling, blinking to stave off fresh tears, thinking it a miracle my body could still produce them. “I don’t know how you live on the edge of constant uncertainty without getting an ulcer.”

Erin snorted. “Gee, thanks. As backhanded compliments go, I suppose that wasn’t the worst.”

I reached for her hand and then released it. “I didn’t mean to insult you. Sorry. My brain is fried today.”

“Fix it, because we need to call Kevin. I know you wanted to wait for info from Dr. Blount before we filled him in, but that could take days. At least make him happier by giving him the green light on preparing divorce papers.”

I hung my head. Lyle was sailing around with Ebba, sipping wine and laughing at me, while my sister and I sat in a medical-center lobby worrying about our mother, who was falling apart because of that man. “I know my marriage is over, but it’s hard to admit to failure.”

“Take it from me, it gets easier with practice.” Erin smiled, joking to make me feel better. “You didn’t fail. He did, and somehow we will make him pay for it.”