If You Must Know (Potomac Point #1)(54)

“I didn’t say I would! I’m simply looking at options,” I yelled. “You might be comfortable making snap decisions, but I like to think them through, so give me more than two seconds to process what Stan told me.”

“Well, hooray for finally having a temper.” Erin flung her arms outward. “Let the fury come and don’t let Lyle off easy.”

“You think I haven’t been furious since this began? Willa won’t have anything like the life I wanted for her, but maybe the least I can do for her is use Lyle’s crime against him to secure full custody.” My voice had hit birdlike screech levels, but it couldn’t be helped. “If that means he gets to stay out of jail, maybe it’s for the best. And don’t look at me like I’m weak or crazy. Stan says plenty of women pursue solutions that don’t involve cops. I’ve got to think about Willa’s future, first and foremost.”

Erin sighed, conflict screwing up her face. “What if you fail, Amanda, or you get arrested? Is that best for Willa?”

She had me there, but I was too busy trying to punch my way out of this coffin Lyle had buried me in to concede any ground.

Mom had remained silent throughout our argument, but one look at her reminded me that I wasn’t the only one with everything at stake. “What are you thinking, Mom?”

Mom’s gaze darted from my sister to me. “I don’t know. I don’t know . . .”

I covered my face like one of my students who wished to disappear.

Erin chimed in. “At least start divorce proceedings.”

“Stop! Please stop.” My palms slapped the table. “Just because something is right or true doesn’t make it simple. I’m so overwhelmed I don’t even know where to begin, let alone know what to do with this devastating pain.” I pounded on my chest. “You probably can’t imagine feeling lost and hopeless and stupid and worthless, but there it is. He’s left me with next to nothing. I can’t even pay the mortgage. I could lose this house—and I can’t sell it without his consent since we’re both on the deed. I’m basically now a broke single mom. God help me if that woman becomes my daughter’s stepmom. And where will I live? Can I get my old job back and afford to pay for help raising my daughter? I’ve got all this running through my mind every second, so I don’t need you pushing me to blow up every last semblance of the life I’m still mourning on your timetable, Erin.”

She and my mother exchanged worried looks, unaccustomed to my temper. At least it gave me a second to catch my breath.

“You can’t still love him, can you?” Erin asked in the softest voice I’d ever heard her use.

“Right now I’ve never hated anyone more. But two weeks ago I thought my marriage was near perfect. Several days ago, it still had a small chance.” I closed my eyes. “My head knows it’s over, but my heart still aches for the life and love I thought I had.”

Mom tapped her glass with her fork. “Girls, we’ve got to pull together.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. I know you’re worried, too.” I glanced at Erin, who gazed into space, clearly biting her tongue. “Once we’ve got the evidence, if you want to go to the police, we will.”

My mom raised her chin—defiantly so. “I’m not interested in becoming the laughingstock of town if we can find a way to handle this ourselves instead.”

“Mom!” Erin slapped her forehead.

“Stop, Erin.” Mom held up a palm. “Trust me. Life here will be unbearable if all of this comes out. It’ll be worse than what happened with my dad, because I worked in these schools for three decades. Everyone knows me. There’ll be no hiding from everyone’s pity, scorn, or schadenfreude. For Pete’s sake, I’d have to move to escape the shame. And Dodo would insert herself in my affairs like she did with George. What good does it do me if Lyle sits in jail but I never get my money back? He still wins. Even if a bargain with Lyle is illegal, he can’t turn us in for extortion without exposing his own crimes.” She nodded to herself. “He’s pragmatic. He’ll cooperate if we catch him, and Amanda can keep custody without dishonor bringing us all down—”

“I can’t believe how far you’ll go to avoid a little gossip,” Erin interrupted.

“It’s not ‘a little gossip.’ It’s forever, thanks to Google. And it isn’t only me that would suffer. My granddaughter will suffer forever, too, anytime anyone searched her name or her dad’s.” Mom sighed. “Your sister is smart. She’ll find another way.”

I closed my eyes to avoid seeing my mother’s self-recriminations and my sister’s scorn. But our predicament proved I wasn’t very smart at all.

Erin clucked. “Let’s not make decisions based on some fantasy that Willa will get through life without knowing the truth. That won’t happen unless you plan to lie to her forever. That’s not the best role-modeling, is it?” She stared me down, challenging me with the very advice I used to give her during her less-than-honest teen years. She’d rarely listened to me, like the time she cheated on an earth science test with an answer key she’d gotten from Briggs McCrady despite my pleas and then got caught. There was probably a lesson in that for me, but the temptation to control my own destiny for a change was too strong.