If You Must Know (Potomac Point #1)(38)

Out of the blue, I recalled the morning of my wedding. I’d slept in my old room and gotten dressed here, too. My mother had gone from pressing Erin’s bridesmaid gown—which had gotten wrinkled lying at the bottom of Erin’s closet for weeks—to helping fasten the myriad tiny buttons up the spine of my dress.

“How do I look?” I’d asked my mother and Erin once my veil was in place. “Too much?”

Lyle and I had decided on a church service, with my siblings serving as the best man and maid of honor because he would have no family in attendance.

Mom clutched her chest. “Perfectly gorgeous.”

I looked at Erin, which wasn’t easy given her rather open distaste for Lyle. She winked. “You look like a picture-perfect cake topper.”

Mom tossed her an annoyed look and then opened the bedroom door so I could go out to the living room, where Kevin, Marcy, and Dad were waiting. It was one of the few times in my life where I’d had my dad’s undivided attention. He teared up upon seeing me in a fluff of white silk and organza, then gently hugged me so as not to muss my gown and makeup. “My beautiful little star, you could not be any prettier. I hope Lyle treasures you as we do.”

He winked then, much like my sister had.

Now, not even two years later, I stood in that very spot in the living room—my mother a widow, myself on the verge of divorce. While I’d give anything for my father to be alive, I was glad he never saw what had become of my marriage.

When I went to wake my mother, she looked puny in a bed that seemed too large without my dad there to fill the other side.

I touched her shoulder. “Mom.”

Her eyes opened. “Amanda?” While she reoriented, I noticed the sleep-aid pill bottle on the nightstand and frowned.

“I forgot you were here.” She pushed herself upright.

I shook the bottle of pills. “Have you been taking a lot of these lately?”

She nodded. “I told you I’m having trouble sleeping.”

“I didn’t realize it was this bad.” I returned the bottle to the nightstand.

“It started after your father died, but it’s gotten worse lately.” She slipped her feet into her slippers.

She didn’t need to say the words for me to assume the blame. Lately, lugging guilt around was my full-time job.

“When was the last time you took one?” I crossed my arms.

“This morning around seven, but only because I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night. I finally dozed off for a bit this morning, but maybe the pill hadn’t fully worn off by the time I went to the mailbox.” She must’ve sensed my concern, because she got defensive. “I’m not overmedicating, Amanda. I’m fine. Everything is fine.”

“This time,” I almost said, but didn’t want to further agitate her.

“Understood.” Food should help absorb whatever drugs remained floating around her system, so I grabbed her hand. “I made you a sandwich. Come eat.”

She looked at me as if I were walking her into some kind of trap, but she relented. “Thank you, honey. That was thoughtful.”

Well, almost everyone would say I was nothing if not thoughtful. What they didn’t know was how I sometimes wondered if loneliness drove my compulsive need to please others as much as kindness did.

The starkness of that solitary place setting struck again. “I’ll sit with you.”

Meals for one sucked—to borrow my sister’s vernacular. It occurred to me, sitting with my mother now, that I should’ve invited her over for dinner more often this past year. Without Dad’s company or her old job, each hour had to feel like a month. She took daily morning walks with her buddy Lorraine Dahill and volunteered for a few hours each week at the town library, but that left many hours to fill.

I’d been too consumed with my own grief and then my pregnancy to have considered how she might’ve enjoyed company in the evening. I didn’t like to admit that . . . not when I’d always thought of myself as considerate.

“Aren’t you hungry?” She took her seat with a cared-for smile that softened the knot in my stomach.

“I ate already,” I lied. Since finding out about Lyle’s affair, my appetite had pulled a disappearing act. Amazing how well one could subsist on prenatal vitamins and the minimum amount of protein needed to support Muffin’s healthy growth.

My mind wandered in the ensuing silence. My mother needed a new hobby or a roommate, or both. Under other circumstances, I might’ve asked Aunt Dodo to come for an extended visit. Now, that would only intensify my mother’s stress.

The preschool term ended soon, and then I’d have time for daily visits, when I could also help with housework. But an hour or two per day wouldn’t protect her from burning pots and fainting spells, and I had much to do to prepare for the baby. Mom would be offended by the suggestion of in-home health care.

I needed Erin’s help.

Not an easy solution, given the way those two bickered. In truth, I’d never understood why they couldn’t at least bond over their mutual love for Dad. All our lives would be easier if their relationship improved.

I couldn’t do anything about Lyle’s affair, but I could help my mom and my sister to get closer—literally and figuratively. The fact that it would help me out didn’t hurt, either. “You know, Erin must be pretty lonely without Max.”