If You Must Know (Potomac Point #1)(26)

“Erin thought you were a phony, and your affair proves her right. You’re a liar and a coward.” Hurling insults didn’t feel as good as I’d hoped, nor would they change the facts or remind Lyle of the happy life we’d had together.

“If that’s how you feel, you must want a divorce.”

The chilling lack of remorse in his voice made me feel like I’d been thrown into the bay on a cold March day. “Don’t twist my words around to put this on me. You’re the one who broke our vows.” A sob broke apart before I could stifle it. “Why? Why did you do that?”

“I didn’t plan it, Amanda.” He now sounded sorry, but I didn’t quite trust anything he said or did. And his feelings were beside the point. “I don’t know what else to say that won’t hurt you more.”

My hopes of reconciliation dimmed. “Please. I need to understand what happened, Lyle. Where did I go wrong?”

I closed my eyes, pressing my skull against the headrest as if its support would somehow cushion the blow.

“It’s a lot of pressure to live up to—your standards of perfection and thoughtfulness. Plus the work of keeping you on the pedestal your sister kicked you off of with your dad. And you’re content to live the rest of your life in your hometown. At first it was charming—so different from my childhood—but after working with Ebba on some commercial deals, something changed. She’s adventuresome and shares my sense of humor. She’s not set on living the rest of her life in Potomac Point. With her I can imagine a different kind of future. One with infinite possibilities and no moral high ground.”

Each of his words exploded in my chest like copper-tipped bullets. I looked down, expecting to see blood. With shallow breaths, I wondered if this was what my dad’s heart attack had felt like and if heartbreak could cause cardiac arrest. “But when we met, you craved a home and a family where you felt loved and secure because of your childhood. My parents welcomed you in and tried to fill that void. I’ve been giving you exactly what you said you wanted . . .”

“You did and I’m grateful. You healed me, and I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Amanda. I never wanted that. If you believe nothing else, believe that.”

If I’d healed him, why was he leaving me? “Don’t you love me anymore?”

The silent pause said more than any words could. A sour taste flooded my mouth. My body broke into a cold sweat.

“It’s complicated. Part of me will always love you, but now I’m in love with her, too. No matter who I choose, I’ll have some regrets and hurt someone. As for you and me, it’s hard to imagine that you could really forgive me for Ebba.”

On one hand, I wanted to shout at him to stop saying her name. On the other, it was no wonder Lyle couldn’t conceive of the forgiveness and love I offered. His mother had walked away from him rather than fight for her family. His dad had then blamed him, making him feel more unwanted.

“It won’t be easy, but when I think of everything we have . . . or had . . . If you come home, I’m willing to try—for us and for our daughter. Doesn’t she deserve the stability you didn’t have growing up?”

“Yes.” His tone scraped with a raw edge it held whenever he thought of his family. “But we don’t always get what we deserve.”

We sure didn’t. “Would you really choose a woman who’d interfere in a marriage over trying to fix us and be a father?”

“What if I’m not what’s best for the baby? Maybe I’m not capable of that commitment full-time.”

What was he saying? “You were the one who suggested we start a family. Why would you do that if you weren’t happy?”

“I wasn’t unhappy, and it’s what people our age do—they start families. I got caught up in the fantasy. But Ebba’s flawed like me. We fit better. Maybe I’m simply not a good enough man to deserve someone like you, Amanda.”

“Stop blowing smoke, Lyle. We aren’t teenagers breaking up. We’re husband and wife with a baby on the way. So much will be affected by our decision. You’re letting your trust issues destroy us. Please slow down and look at what you’re doing before you ruin everything over a fling.”

For a second, I thought he might’ve hung up on me he was so quiet.

“You’re right. This is a huge decision.” He paused. “While I’m stuck here locking down investors, give me a little more time, okay?”

The mention of the deal felt like manipulation. “If this deal is so awesome, why aren’t investors jumping all over it?” I stopped myself from saying more, unaccustomed to questioning my husband’s motives, then blurted my growing fear. “Is there even a deal at all, Lyle, or is that a big lie, too?”

“Yes, there’s a deal.” Indignance—always his first reaction to being questioned about anything—replaced the syrupy tone he’d been using. “Do you need proof?”

I didn’t like the places my thoughts were sailing.

“I believe you.” My impending meeting with a PI said otherwise, but Lyle didn’t need to know that. “But proof will help my mother rest easier, and keep Kevin and Erin calm.”

“Remind everyone the first loan payment isn’t even due until the beginning of next month.” The steel in his voice gave me pause, but we were both tense. “I used the money to buy the land, so I’ll send you the deed. Will that satisfy everyone?”