If This Gets Out(33)

I slow my step, as a spark of realization pricks in the back of my mind.

Shut it down. Crush the thought.

Is the truth that I don’t get strong crushes on guys the way I get on girls? Or is the truth that whenever those crushes start to poke their heads up I squash them, and ignore them?

I think of Lee. I think of Eirik. I think of Ruben, and his photo.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

I put miles between myself and Lee and Eirik after I started noticing them in that way. It seemed like the smartest thing to do. I’d avoid them and brush them off until the feelings passed.

I feel a familiar sense of overwhelming terror. There’s an explanation here, and maybe … no, it can’t be that. You’d know. You’d know.

But what if I do know?

What if it just scares the crap out of me?

Could I have been repressing myself all this time? What if my whole life I’ve been avoiding this, because if I think about it too much, then I’ll have to accept that it’s a thing. And it will make everything harder.

Seriously, could I be …

“Hey, Zach,” says Angel, pointing up at The Creation of Adam. I’m so grateful for the distraction I could hug him. I look to where he’s pointing. It’s sort of surreal to be staring at one of the most famous paintings in the world. Like, I’ve known about this thing for almost my whole life and now it’s here, above me. It’s how I felt when I used to see my favorite bands live, before that became almost impossible because of Saturday.

“What?”

“That dude is thicc,” whispers Angel.

He’s pointing at Adam. I laugh my first genuine laugh in days.

There’s more to it than that, though. He only ever makes jokes as dumb as that when he can tell I’m down. We’ll never talk about it, but I know he’s there for me. Something like this is as close as Angel will ever get to asking if I’m okay.

“What’s funny?” asks Ruben, glancing between us. The split-second of attention gives me chills. He’s maybe the first guy ever who has properly seen me. The real me, complete with the side that maybe thinks about guys sometimes. And all I want is to not be around him right now. I want to do what I did with Lee and Eirik: pull away until it passes. I’ve never been this aware, though. So it’s different.

Everyone is staring at us now, even the tour guide.

“It’s nothing,” I say. “Just a dumb joke.”

In the past, he would’ve asked me what the joke was. For all his sophistication Ruben actually has a very crass sense of humor sometimes, and making him laugh at something stupid always made me happier than like, anything.

“Oh,” he says. “Right. Whatever.”

My heart sinks to new depths as a terrifying thought occurs to me. I’ve been so focused on trying to find space and figure out what the hell is going on with me, in the face of Ruben trying to push me to talk, that it hadn’t occurred to me that he might not be open to talking anymore. He’s not acting like he is. Before, he was eager to figure this out, stat.

But what if I’ve left it too long?

What if I’ve pushed him too far?



* * *



You’d think by now I’d be used to photo shoots.

But nope.

I never know how to pose, and they make me feel super awkward. Plus, given how I’ve been questioning my whole life lately, and things with Ruben are such a mess, the last thing I want is a camera on me, capturing this forever. I want to be in bed, alone, with a sad playlist and all the chocolate in existence, so I can figure this out. Yet I’m here, having to fake a smile over and over again, all while Ruben is treating me like I’m just a coworker, someone he simply has to be nice to because it’s the professional thing to do.

He’s getting the finishing touches on his makeup by Penny. I don’t have to be queer to notice he looks incredible. He’s wearing a deep purple suit jacket that’s tailored perfectly to his frame. He looks every part the superstar I’ve known he’d be since camp. He makes a joke, and Penny laughs. He might never try to make me laugh like that ever again.

I don’t want him to look at me, but it’s also all I want. It feels like I’ll die if he doesn’t do something the old Ruben would’ve done like, right now.

I get the urge to go up to him, to say something, anything. Just so he’ll stop acting like he doesn’t know so much about me. But I can’t. We’re working right now, and he’ll be even more upset with me if I do anything that messes with that. Or maybe I’m being a coward, so I don’t have to say the words that almost give me a panic attack every time I even think them.

I could be bi.

“Zach?”

I snap back to reality. An assistant is in front of me, holding out a jacket.

“Sorry, thanks.”

I take it and pull it on. It’s made of black leather but is cut like an oversized suit jacket, which makes it kinda punk and cool. My hair has been slicked straight back, and Penny has already done my face, including the trademark Saturday eye makeup. It’s a little more subtle for this upcoming album cycle promo, but it’s still there.

I glance at Ruben. I was hoping he’d maybe be looking at me; I thought I saw him looking out of the corner of my eye when I was talking to the assistant, but no such luck. He’s looking past me, at the set that’s been assembled.