I'll Stop the World (99)

JUSTIN

I wake up while it’s still dark, feeling like I’m going to vomit.

Saturday. October 5. 1985.

The day of the fire.

I roll over and bury my face in my pillow, trying to convince my body to go back to sleep, but it’s no use. My knee throbs beneath the bandages, a constant reminder that I was always doomed to fail. Even the idea that I was dead or in a coma, and might someday just peacefully blip out of existence, has been taken away from me.

I’m going to be stuck here. Alone. For the rest of my miserable life.

And there was never anything I could do about it. It was stupid to think there was.

I toss and turn for a while, until the world outside the window begins to lighten with the hazy glow of dawn. Then I finally give up and get dressed, creeping downstairs as quietly as I can.

The house is quiet. Mrs. Hanley must still be asleep.

For the first time, I realize with a jolt that I’m going to have to figure out a place to live after this. And get a job. And some sort of ID. Staying with Mrs. Hanley was only supposed to be temporary, until I went back.

But I’m not going back. And I can’t stay here forever.

The weight of all the years I have ahead of me comes crashing down all over again. A week ago, when I was waking up on Alyssa’s couch, avoiding Stan, and dreading the bonfire, I thought I had no future. But that was nothing compared to this suffocating certainty that I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone and anonymous, destined only to hate myself.

I pass the kitchen window, averting my eyes from the house next door, which I thought held the solution to my problems just twenty-four hours ago. Robbie is definitely a monster, but chasing him won’t do me any good. May as well leave him for the next monster hunter.

I slip out the back door, moving as silently as I can. I don’t want to see Mrs. Hanley this morning, or eat the giant breakfast she’s sure to insist on making. My stomach feels like it’s filled with rocks.

The sun has almost finished rising when I step outside. It’s a cool, crisp morning, with dew sparkling on the tips of the grass. My mom loves mornings like this.

The rocks in my stomach seem to double in size, and a few of them threaten to explode. God. My mom. Today is the day she loses her parents. The police report says she was in her car seat facing the school, all alone until the emergency vehicles started to arrive. I picture her sitting by herself, her little, round face washed orange in the glow of flames as she watches her parents burn.

Suddenly I realize, I can’t do this. I can’t be here when it happens, knowing there’s nothing I can do to change it.

I have to get out of here.





Chapter Sixty


ROSE

Everything was loud that morning.

Veronica came over early, Millie in tow, to squeeze in some last-minute debate prep with Diane. The two babies took over the living room floor, surrounded by a wall of pillows, while their mothers sipped coffee on the couch and ran through talking points again and again.

Rose’s dad bustled around the kitchen, clattering breakfast dishes. He’d baked up a storm the day before, preparing cinnamon rolls, monkey bread, and buttermilk biscuits, along with a breakfast casserole that was still in the oven. After all this stress baking, they wouldn’t have to cook for weeks, provided they didn’t mind living almost entirely on bread.

Lisa sat across from Rose at the kitchen table, both of them still in their pajamas. Other than exchanging murmured good-mornings over glasses of orange juice, neither of them said much. Lisa had been in bed by the time Rose arrived home from talking to Noah the night before, so she’d never learned what it was Lisa wanted to discuss.

Not that Rose had any energy to worry about that right now. Her mind was heavy with the weight of the day. Would Justin still try to do something to stop the fire? He ran so hot and cold all the time that it seemed just as likely that he’d stay in bed all day as show up to fight the fire with his bare hands.

Neither of which would be any help to her.

“Just a minute, Diane. I’ll be right back,” Veronica called from the living room. She rushed by the entrance to the kitchen, and a second later, Rose heard the bathroom door close, followed by the sound of retching.

Veronica must be nervous about the debate. Rose’s stomach clenched. If Justin was right about what would happen tonight, Veronica would never even set foot at the debate. She’d be dead before it started.

But that wouldn’t happen, Rose assured herself. She had Noah, who was ten times more reliable than Justin had ever been. Together, they could do this. They could change the future.





Chapter Sixty-One


LISA

Lisa sat at the kitchen table, drumming her electric-blue nails on its surface as she listened to water rush through the pipes in the ceiling. Rose had left to shower after breakfast, leaving her alone at the table. Lisa went through two cups of tea waiting for her to finish, hoping to settle her nerves, but if anything, she was more worked up now than she had been when she first woke up.

Today was going to be the day. Yesterday hadn’t worked out, but today, she was determined to make it happen.

In front of her lay the newspaper, which she’d flipped over as soon as her stepfather had left the room. Today’s front-page headline again lamented the dangers of the AIDS crisis, and she couldn’t read it without feeling a little queasy.