I'll Stop the World (102)

A small laugh escaped from Charlene. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use the word bitchy before.”

Rose shrugged. “Desperate times, I guess.”

Charlene sighed, then turned to look behind her into the house, where Rose couldn’t see. She ducked her face behind the door and whispered, and Rose realized with a jolt that Lisa must be standing right there, just out of sight.

A moment later, the door swung wide, revealing Lisa standing beside Charlene with her arms folded. Her expression was cold, her eyes rimmed in red as she stepped onto the porch. She didn’t meet Rose’s eyes as she stood in front of her, just glared at a spot on the ground, rocking slightly from side to side.

“I’m right here if you need me, okay?” Charlene said, looking at Lisa.

Lisa nodded, still not looking up. Charlene appeared uneasy but shut the door, leaving Lisa alone with Rose on the porch.

Rose took a deep breath. “Did . . . did you hear what I said to Charlene?”

A nod. Still no eye contact.

“I meant all of it. I am so sorry. I wish I could take it all back.”

“Well, you can’t,” Lisa said, her voice sharp.

“I know.” She ducked down, trying to get Lisa to look at her, but she still avoided her gaze. “I know that telling me was really hard for you. And scary. And different from anything I’ve ever told you. And I’m really sorry for acting like it wasn’t.”

Lisa’s eyes flickered up. “I trusted you with a really big and vulnerable part of myself. And you made it about you.”

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“I mean, god, Rose, do you have any idea how scared I was to tell anyone? How scared I still am? I feel like I’m drowning. Every minute of every day, I’m worried that someone might find out. I read these . . . these stories . . .” Tears were beginning to trickle down Lisa’s face, dripping from her chin down to the porch below. “People are dying, Rose. Every day. People like me, and they don’t even have anyone, because the people they cared about stopped caring about them the second they found out who they were. And I just keep wondering, is that going to be me? Am I doomed to be alone?”

“You won’t,” Rose said, feeling tears pool in her own eyes. “I promise.”

“You can’t know that.” Lisa sniffed. “I mean, Mom’s campaign—”

“Diane loves you more than her campaign,” Rose said without hesitation. “You know that.”

“She loves me, but if she lost because of me, she’d always resent me for it.”

“That’s not true.”

Lisa shrugged, spreading her hands helplessly. “No way to know for sure, though, right? I mean, I thought you’d be safe, and look how that turned out.”

“Lisa.” Rose grabbed her sister’s hand and looked into her glistening eyes. Tears spilled freely down Rose’s cheeks. “I messed up, and I am so, so sorry about that, and I’m sorry that your memory of that conversation will always include me being awful. All I can say is that I’m going to try my best to do better. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I love you. You’re my sister. You are one of the most important people in the whole world to me. And I swear, I will never, ever let you be alone.”

“Well,” Lisa choked through sobs, “maybe in the bathroom.”

Rose let out a surprised laugh that came out like a bark. “Deal.” She took a deep breath, squeezing Lisa’s hand. “Can we start over? Please? Can you tell me again, and this time I’ll react like your sister and not a monster?”

Lisa nodded. “I’m still kinda mad at you, though,” she said, sniffing. “I forgive you, but I can’t forget what you said. You really hurt me.”

Rose swallowed hard, nodding. She deserved that. “I hope eventually I can make up for that.”

“I hope so, too,” Lisa said, giving her the faintest hint of a smile. She sighed heavily, wiping her eyes. “You have time to come in and talk for a little bit?”

Rose checked her watch—plenty of time until she needed to meet Noah—and smiled. “I do.”





Chapter Sixty-Three


JUSTIN

If it were possible to feel worse about myself than I already do, I’d feel really lousy about stealing from Mrs. Hanley.

I help myself to the cash that she keeps in the cookie jar on the kitchen counter, leaving the coins behind. Just a little under fifty dollars, mostly in ones and fives, although there’s one twenty in there. It’ll likely be days before she notices it’s missing. By then I’ll be long gone.

I try to tell myself that if she knew my situation, she’d give it to me anyway.

It doesn’t make me feel better.

My plan is to go buy a bus ticket to Hawthorne, but I find myself taking a detour on the way to the bus station. My feet carry me to the community center, where the debate will be held tonight. I don’t plan to go in. I just want to see them one last time before I leave.

Bill. Veronica.

Rose.

I don’t see any of their cars yet, but I know they’re all bound to show up here eventually. Rose told me earlier that the plan was for everyone to come here after breakfast to help set up, then return home to prepare for the event. I grab a newspaper and a hot chocolate—because there’s no age limit on deliciousness—from a nearby diner, and settle in on a bench across the street to wait. Every few minutes, I raise my eyes and give the area a quick scan. Once I see them, I promise myself, I’ll go.