I'll Stop the World (86)

She allowed herself to return Justin’s grin. “Okay. It’s a plan.”





Chapter Fifty


LISA

Lisa gazed at her reflection in the mirror over her dresser, heart hammering so loudly, she wondered if anyone else could hear it. She looked calm, but inside, her stomach was tying itself into a complex series of knots. She took a deep, shaky breath, smoothing a hand down the front of her dress.

Her mom was out doing more debate prep with Veronica. Jim was picking up Emmie from day care. It was just her and Rose in the house. And soon, Shawn.

Any moment. Any moment now.

According to her clock, it was only three minutes later when the doorbell rang, although it felt like hours. She closed her eyes, willing her pulse to stop racing, as she heard the door open, and Shawn’s and Rose’s voices floated up from downstairs.

Was she really about to do this?

Walking heavily, she waved Shawn up the stairs, her smile too tight, her movements too stiff.

Shawn smiled nervously, but didn’t say anything as he joined her in her room. She guessed he wasn’t sure what to say. It had been so long since she’d invited him over that he probably thought that she either wanted to finally talk about trying to fix their relationship or break up. Neither of which would be an easy conversation.

Of course, either of those would’ve been a breeze compared to what she actually needed to say to him.

Shawn stood in the center of the room, his hands in the pockets of his jeans, his eyes scanning the posters and photos on her walls. She tried to remember how long it had been since he’d last been in here and was surprised to realize she had no idea.

Reminding herself to breathe, Lisa gestured for Shawn to sit down. He walked to the bed and perched himself stiffly on the edge, looking up at her like he expected her to sit beside him.

But she couldn’t sit. Her skin was buzzing with energy, ready for her to just get on the other side of this, whatever that looked like.

“I wanted to talk to you about something,” Lisa started, pacing in front of him, her fingers working nervously over one another in an erratic dance. Her voice came out as a rasp, and she cleared her throat and started again. “You remember the end of last year, when I was always suggesting we go out and do stuff, like go roller-skating or to the mall or—”

“I remember,” he said, giving her a bemused smile. “Kind of hard to forget that time, you know?”

“Yeah,” she said, a nervous laugh leaking out. “Well, that’s actually kind of related to what I wanted to talk to you about today. I know you’ve noticed that I haven’t been—I mean, that I sometimes—”

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Shawn said. It wasn’t an accusation, just a statement of the obvious.

Lisa nodded, swallowing hard. “I have. And I’m really sorry. That wasn’t fair, and you didn’t deserve that.”

Shawn’s shoulders rose and fell, but he didn’t say anything. His stormy eyes bored intently into her, like he was trying to see her thoughts, examine them so they made sense. She hoped that by the time she was done, they would.

“It wasn’t anything you did,” Lisa pressed on. “It was me. I had to . . . figure some stuff out. On my own. Or, well, not on my own.” She took another deep breath and blew it out. Hot tears pricked at the backs of her eyes, and she blinked, trying to hold them in. This was harder than she’d thought. “Charlene was . . . helping me.”

Shawn’s attentive expression hadn’t changed, but his body seemed like it was slowly turning into stone. As Lisa spoke, all his softness seemed to melt away, leaving only hard edges.

“The thing is, Charlene and I . . . we’ve been . . . together. For a few months now.” A tear leaked from the corner of her eye; hurriedly, she wiped it away. “I need you to know I didn’t plan it. It just . . . when I was with her, I felt . . . I feel . . .”

She squeezed her eyes shut, frustrated that her words were coming out all jumbled. This wasn’t how she wanted this to go. She’d written a whole eloquent speech in her head, but when she opened her mouth to talk, the words seemed to dissolve from her brain. “I just . . . like her,” she whispered. “I didn’t know how that was supposed to feel before.”

She opened her eyes and looked at Shawn, whose own eyes were now bright. “I’m sorry,” she said, her voice coming out as barely more than a breath. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He studied his hands for a minute, picking at his nails. “So, last year, when you always wanted to go out . . . you just didn’t want to be alone with me.”

“It wasn’t—it was never about you,” Lisa said. “I was freaked out that I didn’t feel the way I was supposed to feel. I didn’t want to—I didn’t want you to think we might—it just all felt easier in public places, for a while,” she tried to explain. “I don’t think I even realized what was happening, at the time.”

Shawn nodded, chuckling slightly as he shook his head. “Well, that explains a lot,” he muttered. Lisa couldn’t tell whether he was amused or upset.

He rose to his feet and hesitantly took a step toward her, then another. She couldn’t read his expression. A muscle in his jaw twitched, his mouth pressed into a thin line. He sucked in a long breath through his nose, his eyes never leaving her.