I'll Stop the World (118)

My hands lock onto her arms. I feel calm. Peaceful. Her terrified eyes jump from the car to my face. It’s okay, I try to tell her with my eyes. It’s not your fault. This is why I’m here.

I didn’t understand it until this moment, but now I do. I wonder, is this what Rose has felt all this time? Is this faith?

I feel strong. Superhuman. Like I could lift a train.

I throw Rose out of the way. It’s easy, as if she weighs nothing at all. She flies up, and back, and away, her arms spreading like wings. Like a bird, my mind suggests, except I know immediately that’s not right.

No. Not a bird.

An angel.

I smile, and close my eyes.

When the car slams into me, I feel no pain.





Chapter Seventy-Five


JUSTIN

The first time I died, I didn’t understand what had happened to me. I thought maybe I was still alive, or asleep. I thought I was a time traveler. And maybe I was.

This time, I recognize it for what it is. I don’t wonder whether I might come back after this. I know I am finished. Maybe a version of me will exist, someday. A boy with my face and birthday and voice. But he won’t be me.

My life ended the moment I fell from this bridge. It just took me a week to die.

They say that when you die, your life flashes before your eyes.

Turns out, that’s only partially true.

I don’t see my life. I see the people in it.

Flash.

Alyssa. She deserves so much more than what I’ve been able to give her. Maybe that future me, the one who will not be me, will be better for her. I hope he will.

Flash.

Stan. He was wrong about what I would have to do, but he did his best. Maybe he hated me because he knew I was doomed to fail. Maybe I hated him because, somehow, I knew he already had.

Stan won’t exist now. No one will mourn him. I don’t think he would mind.

Flash.

My mom. I don’t think of her as I last saw her, passed out facedown on her bed. Instead, I think of Millie, smiling and laughing as she plays at her mother’s feet. She loves, and knows she is loved. Maybe this time, she will get to hold on to that feeling as she grows up. Maybe she will be happy. I hope she gets to be happy.

Flash.

Bill and Veronica. My grandparents. I hope Noah saved them tonight. I never really knew them—even as I was trying to save them, I didn’t know them. They are good people, though; I’m sure of that. Just as I’m sure that I was never here for them.

Flash.

That night on the bridge, the first time I died. I didn’t recognize her then, but the memory is as clear now as looking through a window. A figure in my headlights, standing somewhere she was never meant to be.

Flash.

Rose.

It was always Rose.

Rose, who was so sure that I was here for a reason. Rose, who Stan spent his whole life missing. Rose, who was never supposed to die here tonight.

Rose, the girl the whole universe bent to save.

I told her that I didn’t know if I believed in God. I told Mrs. Hanley the same thing.

Mrs. Hanley told me that maybe God believed in me. That never felt right. But maybe that’s because it was never about me. Maybe I’m here because God—or the universe, or whatever it is—believes in Rose.





Chapter Seventy-Six


ROSE

What just happened?

Rose pressed a hand to her head, trying to still the ringing in her ears. She groaned as she slowly got to her feet. Justin had thrown her with a shocking amount of strength. She’d slammed back down like a crashing plane, skidding on her bare arms and leaving a good amount of skin embedded in the wet pavement.

Everything hurt.

But she was alive. If Justin hadn’t pushed her out of the way—

Oh God, no.

Rose turned slowly, toward the truck balancing half-on, half-off the sidewalk. Abruptly, the rain slowed to a light drizzle, like it had served its purpose and was now ready to move on. The driver had gotten out—Shawn, she registered with dull surprise—and was staring at something on the ground with a horrified expression. His hands were fisted tight in his hair, like he wanted to pull it all from his head.

“Shawn?” Rose called. Her voice sounded like she’d swallowed razor blades.

His eyes met hers, wide and empty. Like a corpse, she thought with a sense of strange detachment.

“I didn’t mean to,” he said, his voice high and scared. “You have to believe me, Rose. I didn’t mean to.”

Rose didn’t ask what he meant. She walked slowly around the truck, until she could get a good look at the boy on the ground.

This was the second time she’d stood over his body on this bridge.

As Rose looked at Justin’s still face, her heart seemed to stop. Slowly, she knelt beside him but didn’t touch him. There was no point. His eyes were wide and unblinking, his chest still. Blood was everywhere, spilling out of him like a cracked egg.

For a long moment, Rose just stared, her body numb.

Justin was dead. How could Justin be dead?

She closed her eyes, struggling to remember how to breathe. All around her, the world shattered into dust. Death wasn’t supposed to win today. They were supposed to stop it.

She’d been so sure. But she’d been wrong.

It’s okay, a voice whispered in her mind.