I Wish You All the Best(30)

Mariam: that sucks, I know the feeling all too well Me: Why am I freaking out so much?

Mariam: You’ve been through a lot, Benji, I mean, the last month has been rough for you, it’s okay to be scared or worried.

Me: But he’s just a boy. And I don’t know…

Me: He seems too nice to hate what I am Mariam: Trust me hun, boys are scary. I lived with two of them and dated three. And you’ve seen Twitter, right? A cesspool.



Okay, that makes me laugh. This is why I always go to Mariam. They can usually make me feel better, no matter how stressed I am about something.

Mariam: But this Nathan dude seems like a good guy. And not one of those self-proclaimed good guys or whatever who tips his hat with a m’lady.

Me: Maybe…

Mariam: Do you actually want to hang out with him?

Me: Yeah. He’s nice.

Mariam: I think you owe it to yourself. Making friends is hard but having someone your own age can help. Even if he doesn’t know what you’re going through exactly, you both know that feeling. I’ve never met a single teen that has it all together.

Mariam: And as much as I love my title as your bestie there’s only so much I can do when we’re a country apart from each other.

Me: How’d you get so smart, Mariam?

Mariam: I didn’t graduate from Berkeley with a 4.0 for nothing.

Me: Thanks.



I roll over and grab my phone off my nightstand. Nathan stole it at lunch yesterday, so now there’s a close-up selfie of the two of us set as my background. In fact, I’m pretty sure my camera roll is now an even 60 percent reference photos, 40 percent Nathan selfies.

We didn’t confirm anything about the tutoring yet, and I’m not even sure that he remembers what we agreed to. Oh God, what if he doesn’t remember, and I just text him right out of the blue and he has no idea what I’m talking about?

Or what if he doesn’t want me to tutor him anymore? I’m not sure which might be worse.

Me: Still up for tomorrow?



I hit send before I can delete the message, and go back to watching this YouTube tutorial on brushstrokes and how to control them better. The laptop and my phone go off seconds apart, the little ding! letting me know that Nathan’s texted back.

Nathan: Ben?



I’m a moron. This is the first time we’ve texted, so he wouldn’t have my number, which means that he just got a completely random text from some unknown number.

Nathan: Bennnnnnnnnn is that youuuuuuuuuuuuu?

Me: Sorry, forgot you didn’t have my number.

Nathan: It’s cool. This is Ben De Backer right? Not some weird coincidence where I’ve somehow caught the attention of two Bens?

Me: That seems statistically improbable. But yes, this is De Backer, Ben.

Nathan: So what are we up for tomorrow?

Me: Tutoring, if you’re still interested?

Nathan: Oh right! Yeah I need it. Ms. Sever gave us this practice exam to do. Do you just want to come over to my house?



I read back through Mariam’s messages on my laptop before responding. I don’t really know how to explain myself to him. Hey, can we maybe meet somewhere that isn’t either of our houses? As if I’m not already enough of a weirdo.

Me: That sounds fine.



I hit send before I can delete it.

Nathan: KK.



I switch back to messaging Mariam on my laptop, double-checking the name and number just so I don’t start talking about Nathan to Nathan.

Me: Sorry. I texted Nathan, he wants to meet at his house…

Mariam: You gonna do it?

Me: I already said yes.

Mariam: Yay!!! I’m so proud of you Benji!!!!

Mariam: See what happens when you listen to your elders?

Me: Sorry, forgot you’re a total grandparent.

Mariam: And don’t you forget it!



I don’t feel like I should be celebrating right now though. My phone buzzes again and there’s a notification at the top of the screen. Another message from Nathan.

Mariam: Okay, I’ve got to head out. Busy weekend.

Me: Kay, thanks for the help.

Mariam: What I’m here for ;)



I close the laptop and leave it at the end of the bed.

Nathan: So what’re you up to?



My heart clenches a bit. I thought we were done, but I guess not. Maybe texting will be easier.

Me: Nothing, lying in bed.



I don’t add that I’m currently digesting more cool-ranch dust than anyone probably should.

Nathan: So what’re you wearing ;)



I swallow all wrong, and it’s almost like I’ve been swallowing knives instead of a handful of Doritos.

Nathan: jk jk, kiddinggggg!!!



He sends this last one a few seconds later. I wonder if he can tell that he almost gave me a heart attack.

Me: don’t do that. Please.

Nathan: Okay, I promise. Pinky promise even.

Me: Sorry… Pinky promise.

Nathan: It’s my fault, my fingers are as bad as my mouth lol Nathan: I just realized what that sounded like. Again, my bad.



I type a quick “lol,” even though I don’t feel like laughing.

It’s not even that what he’s saying is gross or anything. I don’t hate the idea of kissing someone, or even having sex with them. But there are just things about my body … things I’m still not quite over. It’s hard to describe.