I Shall Be Near to You(29)

‘I fold.’





CHAPTER

11


UTICA, NEW YORK: MARCH 1862

In the morning, I leave Will cooking sowbelly and wait at the end of our tent row.

‘I got something to say to you,’ I tell Jeremiah when he comes back from the latrine.

He checks over his shoulder, but there ain’t nobody close around, and those boys nearest are busy with breakfast.

‘You come with me,’ I say, and walk into the trees, heading back to where we were last together alone.

‘Where we going?’ Jeremiah asks, coming up next to me.

‘Just off a ways,’ I say. ‘Into the woods.’

After that there is only the sound of us tripping through the underbrush and breathing cloud puffs in the cold air.

In a little clearing under a maple tree I stop to look at Jeremiah. ‘You embarrassed about me?’

‘What?’ he says.

‘Don’t you care for me no more? Maybe you don’t like my hair short?’

Jeremiah shakes his head. ‘Rosetta, what are you talking about?’

‘You’re all the time acting like you don’t love me, or like you don’t even see how nasty Henry is to me. You never even touch me no more.’

‘What do you mean?’ he asks.

‘When Henry called me womanish last night you didn’t even say one word to him! And when I was getting ready to shoot, you made all the boys watch me, saying what you did, and acting like you didn’t even think I could do it neither, same as when you bet against me in spitting contests. That ain’t right!’

‘I ain’t treating you any different than any of the other boys,’ he says, his face bland. ‘This is what you wanted!’

‘That’s just it!’ I say, stomping my foot at him throwing my words back in my face. ‘You’ve got to treat me different sometimes! You’ve got to treat me like I’m still your wife sometimes.’

‘How can I? How can I touch you? You ain’t here like Mrs. Chalmers is. You ain’t here as my wife. You’re here as a soldier.’

‘I’m still your wife. That’s the only reason I’m here! Ain’t I still doing your cooking?’

‘Didn’t you think maybe we wouldn’t be like at home?’ he says. ‘Didn’t you think maybe it’d have to be different?’

‘You found ways to touch me at home, before we were ever even courting.’

‘What do you want me to do? Hold your hand? Kiss you in front of everyone?’

‘I ain’t asking you to be stupid. But maybe you ought to treat me nice sometimes. Even Jimmy sticks up for me more than you do.’ I’ve got him at least a little bit with those words because he sighs and runs his fingers through his dirty hair.

‘The boys don’t like you being here,’ he says.

‘They ain’t ever minded me coming along before.’

‘This ain’t the same as fishing, Rosetta. And you’re my wife now. Henry don’t want your blood on his hands. He keeps saying I ought not either—he says you’re tagging along and flustering me—’

‘I don’t care what Henry thinks! You care about him more than me? Maybe Henry ain’t my friend if he thinks I’ve only ever been in the way.’

‘This ain’t about who’s being your friend, Rosetta! It’s about how you shouldn’t even be here! And you said you’d go back when it was time.’

‘It ain’t time,’ I say. ‘We ain’t even fighting yet.’

‘Well, I’m fighting all the time over something! I’m tired of it!’

‘Oh, and you think I’m not tired? You think I like being treated like my husband don’t even know me? Like I’m nothing? And all the while I’ve got to worry if anybody else will come to know what I am.’

‘We’ll be moving soon, to the Capital. Everybody says it. And then it won’t be long. Once the weather turns nice, we’re bound to fight. Ain’t no sense in you coming any farther.’

‘There’s plenty sense in it! If I desert now I won’t get a penny! I’ve got to at least stay ’til we get paid. I can’t go home now! What would everyone think of me, disappearing and my husband sending me home looking like this?’

‘Maybe you should have thought of that before!’

‘Turns out there’s a lot of things I should have thought before. But I’m here so none of that matters now.’

‘It’ll be harder to keep you safe,’ he says, quiet. ‘There’ll be more people, more men to see. The boys can’t always keep covering for you.’

‘Covering for me?’ I snort. ‘Aside from maybe Jimmy, ain’t none of you covered for me even once! Calling me ma’am and womanish and singling me out for cooking and shooting. Covering for me—’ I spit the words and Jeremiah almost looks sorry. ‘It’ll be easier when there’s more people. Ain’t no one going to notice me.’

‘Maybe you could be like Mrs. Chalmers. You could be a laundress or a nurse—’ he says, but he don’t look at me.

‘How can I do that now? How can I go from being a soldier to all of a sudden being your wife in a dress? You think Hiram would leave me alone then?’