Holly Banks Full of Angst (Village of Primm, #1)(48)

Ah! My goodness. Another call coming in. Gotta take it. [CLICK.]


[THIRD PHONE MESSAGE]

(Beeeeeep.) Hip, hip, Lavender! PTA Executive Board meetings are mandatory. So whatever else is going on in your life, set it aside. Never miss a PTA meeting. I hope this won’t be a problem. It won’t be a problem, will it?

Will it?

Will it?

Okay, that’s it. No more calls from Mary-Margaret St. James. [CLICK.]


[FOURTH PHONE MESSAGE]

(Beeeeeep.) You are coming to tonight’s Back-to-School Scrap and Swap, aren’t you? It’s a PTA fund-raiser, so you can’t miss it. I’d feel guilty if I missed a fund-raiser. But that’s just me. I’m not implying that you should feel guilty. Unless you want to. In that case, go right ahead! Feel guilty. Who am I to stop you?

My advice? Come tonight and put your best foot forward with the Scrapbooking Moms. They’re like a militia. Seriously. They’ll probably organize a group photo tonight so they can document who wasn’t there. And after all you’ve been through in the last twenty-four hours, do you really want to be exploited in a grand display of craft wizardry? I mean, really. Humiliation on archival paper lasts forever. Your shame will never yellow. (Beeeeeep.) [CLICK.]


[FIFTH PHONE MESSAGE]

(Beeeeeep.) Sorry. Your phone keeps cutting me off. You should think about getting a new one. Anyway. Scrapbooking Moms are absolute power players when it comes to school projects. Ever notice how many posters and hallway projects are assigned ahead of school concerts and special events? Administration wants the halls to look good when the parents arrive so they don’t get itchy and start complaining about curriculum. Hallway projects have a calming effect on parents because they feel better walking through hallways covered in color-coded drawings of dissected frog guts. They like knowing their child took a sharp pair of scissors and cut off the head of a US president. It’s patriotic. Wait. Did I just say “cut off the head of a US president”? I meant to say “cut out the head of a US president.” Oops! Silly me. I’m a registered Independent, by the way.

Lavender. Come to tonight’s Scrap and Swap Fund-Raiser so you can start building an arsenal of scrapbooking supplies your child can use on her homework. Tell your husband scrapbooking supplies are school supplies. Because who do you think makes the best periodic table of elements every September? Not the science kids. A love of chemistry has nothing to do with it. It’s always a scrapbooker’s kid. You know why? Think about it. The periodic table of elements is all letters. Scrapbooking Moms hoard alphabet stickers. But they don’t call them alphabet stickers. They call them alphas. Ironic, isn’t it? (Beeeeeep.) [CLICK.]


[SIXTH PHONE MESSAGE]

(Beeeeeep.) Gosh. What’s wrong with your voice mail? It’s so full. Who’s calling you? I really need a reliable secretary. Anyway, as I was saying, don’t forget your scrapbooking goody bags for the goody bag swap tonight. I’ve seen Collette’s, and they are a-ma-zing! Make sure yours are amazing because I’m hosting a competition. Cherry Festival on The Lawn is this weekend, and we need to improve our baked goods packaging if we want to increase sales and profits. Last year’s pie auction was a disaster, and we can’t let that happen again. And you’ll never graduate to bake sale packaging if you don’t master goody bags first. Baby steps. But that’s just my opinion—turns out I’ve got lots of them. Ha! Ha! Silly me. [CLICK.]


[SEVENTH PHONE MESSAGE]

(Beeeeeep.) One more itty-bitty thing. No biggie. It’s tiny. Just a little something I almost forgot. Don’t eat any more of those peckled peanut butter cookies I brought you. It’s not my fault, so don’t blame Mary-Margaret St. James. Blame the United States Center for Disease Control. They’re the ones announcing a nationwide peanut butter recall. Apparently, there’s been an outbreak of E. coli or Ebola or early-onset balding or something. One of those E diseases. So scary. Probably from one of those farms that grow free-range peanuts or something. Anyway, people can die from that. I hope you don’t die from that, but if you do die, don’t blame me because it’s not my fault. It’s never my fault. [CLICK.]


[AUTOMATED VOICE MESSAGING SYSTEM]

We’re sorry. Mailbox is full. Press 9 to delete all messages. Repeat. Press 9 to delete all mess—

EMAIL—Time Received: 1:11 p.m.

TO: Holly Banks





FROM: Psychic Betty, Psychic Hotline Network





SUBJECT: Is Your Life Going Downhill?





Ever fear the cosmos has launched a sinister plot to muck up your life? Well, you’re right. It has! It’s called Mercury retrograde, and it happens three times per year.





Are you finding communications with loved ones have become strained? Do you feel your mind is playing tricks on you? Do you feel lonely, sabotaged, overwhelmed? Well, you’re not alone. Because Mercury rules communication and clear thinking, you may find yourself misspeaking or saying things you’d never typically say. Disagreements in conversation frequently occur. Try silencing yourself around your spouse and coworkers. That’s right. Slap that hand across your mouth because there’s no telling what might come shooting out of it. You’re probably screwing things up left and right. But hey, it’s not your fault! It’s Mercury’s fault!