Holly Banks Full of Angst (Village of Primm, #1)(47)
Leaving Southern Lakes to rumble into the Village of Primm, Holly passed the white gazebos with enclave flags a-flying, topiaries, and freshly cut lawns. Holly’s dad never cut their grass because he didn’t live at their house past Holly’s sixth birthday. Ella was five. Was it true what they said? You knew when you knew? Because Holly knew Jack. Jack ordered a Wendy’s number one single combo—no cheese, no onions—medium size with a Dr Pepper, but was that “just” a meal? Or was that a combo meal?
Holly wasn’t sure what she knew, but she knew how she felt. She felt angst. She felt agitated and angry. Miserable, dejected, disappointed, crestfallen. She felt glum. Gloom. Doom. And woebegone. That was it! She felt woebegone.
Such an odd little word: woebegone. Like someone took a three-word command, or wish, or desire—woe, be gone—and smashed it, like a marshmallow between graham crackers. Or a bug. Ugh. That was it. A bug.
15
Home at last
Holly reunited with her phone to find an Enclave Alert from Penelope, a series of phone messages from Mary-Margaret, an email from Online Psychic Betty, and an email from Rosie in the school office . . .
Penelope Pratt
Feathered Nest Realty
—ENCLAVE ALERTS—
Two items.
ITEM #1: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
Congratulations to the children of Primm for this morning’s successful start to school! One morning down, 179 more to go!
At Feathered Nest Realty, hospitality is the cornerstone of our success.
Hospitality Tip: If your home hosts a Primm Academy bus stop, consider providing a quaint, cloth-covered hospitality table so neighboring parents and children feel warmed and welcomed as they wait for the happy yellow bus to come toot-tooting along. Remember! It may be their bus stop, but it’s YOUR driveway!
Try these tasty bus stop treats:
Cherry-Hibiscus Plume-T?
Proceeds from the cherry hibiscus line of Plume-T? will fund “The Travailing Puppeteers!” scheduled to give a travailing performance at the upcoming Wilhelm Klaus Film Festival this October.
CranBran BranMan ManMuffins?
Ditch the donuts. This is the Village of Primm. Serve CranBran BranMan ManMuffins?.
Measured Shell Edamame
As the “Soy Wars” rage (tempeh vs. tofu?), edamame is headed for world domination! They’re actually boiled green soybeans—but don’t tell the kids. Love soy? Text “TEMPEH” for recipes. Speaking of tempeh, to understand the plight of the picky eater and their many fears of texture, google: TRYPOPHOBIA IMAGES. No, really. Google it. Think you don’t have Trypophobia? (You will!)
ITEM #2: PLUME
It’s worse than we thought. Topiary Park officials report Plume’s condition grew dire overnight. DO NOT—I repeat—DO NOT bring your children to visit Plume. She is in no condition to receive visitors. Her face fell off earlier this morning, and her tail feathers are starting to wither. Botanist Billy O’Malley shared this at this morning’s press conference:
“Plume is now in full isolation, wrapped where she stands in a drape of reinforced cotton landscaping mesh. All of the animals in the Topiary Petting Zoo have been quarantined for fear of cross-contamination. Portions of the Topiary Park are now on lockdown. Risk of a village-wide bug infestation is HIGH because Plume is ‘tightly planted.’ If not dealt with, this infestation may reach epidemic levels not seen in Primm since the Primm Academy Head Lice Infestation of 1978.”
“It appears someone in the Village has put a hex on our beloved Plume,” said Officer Knapp this morning from his table at Primm’s Coffee Joe. “Which begs the question: Who’d want to kill Plume?”
Advice from Feathered Nest Realty:
1. Embrace your topiaries. Give them a little hug.
2. Park officials have increased security, standing guard 24/7 like the guards with the tall fuzzy hats at Buckingham Palace. Please, send donuts. Better yet—send CranBran BranMan ManMuffins?.
[FIRST PHONE MESSAGE ON HOLLY’S PHONE]
(Beeeeeep.) Greets, Lavender. Hip! Hip! Mary-with-a-hyphen here. Answer your phone, silly girl. Glad you’re finally home from pris—I mean, jail—I mean, time-out. Time-out for grown-ups. Ha! Community Annex. I only have a few PTA items to discuss—wait a minute. Another call coming in. Sorry. Have to take it. [CLICK.]
[SECOND PHONE MESSAGE]
(Beeeeeep.) Yooo-hooo? Lavender? Mary-Margaret here. Welcome to the Primm Academy PTA! I have a few questions now that you’ve committed to a year as my secretary . . . okay, a few short questions, no biggie. Okay.
How fast can you type? Do you know shorthand? Do you know Excel, PowerPoint, Word, HTML, HP-HELL, PDF, XYZ-PDQ, MP3, Google Plus, Google Minus, and Google Division? How about web design?
Do you tweet? Do you twerk? Does anyone follow you? Does anyone like you? On Facebook. Does anyone like you on Facebook? If yes, how many people like you? And forgive me if I’m stating the obvious—I know you’re a mom—so I assume you have a blog?