Hockey With Benefits(107)

“When I came to college, I wanted a break. And I got it. I did, but I’ve learned other things, like how I can have friends, how they can know about my mom, and they aren’t going to judge me. Or look down on me because of her or look down on her because at the end of the day, she’s my mom.” My voice broke, just one break. “This disease or disorder took her from me. It took her daughter from her. I might not be able to have a relationship with my mom, at least not right now, but I love her. And maybe that’s what I need to present about. That no matter the diagnosis or the symptoms or how exhausting and hard life can be, that person is a person.

“They’re someone’s mother, sister, daughter, loved one, father, brother, son, uncle, aunt, grandmother, grandfather. There’s ups and downs, or dips and valleys, and sometimes they’ll get help and sometimes they won’t, and sometimes they’ll get on a new medication and it’ll work, and sometimes it’ll stop working so there’ll be a new medication, and to each their own.

“I can tell you that some therapy works, some don’t, some therapists are great, and others aren’t a great fit. I can tell you that there are some people who work in that field who shouldn’t, but there are some who were born to do it, and I swear, it’s their life purpose. There’s good and bad. There’s heavy and light. So, wrapping up my presentation, which I made it mostly about me, ironically, is that there’s ebbs and flows. Some have harder struggles than others. Some can get on one med and they’re ‘fixed’ and others take a lifetime, but it’s life. I don’t think I did what the presentation was supposed to be about, but I couldn’t because I didn’t learn anything new going to those two facilities. What I am learning this whole year is that healing can be achieved for some of us who didn’t think it was possible, and I’m hopeful that maybe one day, I can have a relationship with her. Because I love her, because she’s my mom.”

I felt weird, and awkward as I headed for my seat. Exposed. But it was a whole different outlook to go from keeping friends at a distance where I was almost living two separate lives to suddenly having people who knew me. Who I could go to, talk to, not have to be vague about the normal and easy questions, and not having to avoid people because my battery for life was already in the red. It was new and uncomfortable, but whatever.

I almost laughed at myself. Look at me, being hopeful.





The professor called me over, with the TA standing to the side. “Mara, I had no idea Torrance was questioning if you should be here or not. I, personally, had approved your place here because I read your application essay. Please accept my apology for any stress you endured from Torrance’s doubt. It was not her place to question my decision. I am very sorry.”

That was surprising, and then she gave the TA a stern look.

Torrance cleared her throat. She tucked her hands behind her back and squared her shoulders. She didn’t totally look me in the eye, but she was looking at me. Probably my forehead so the effect was the same. “I had no idea about your background, and I apologize. It wasn’t my place.”

Right. I gave each a nod, not used to adults acting, well; adult-like.

When I went out into the hallway, Wade was waiting for me. He flashed me a sad smile. “Things make more sense. I heard about your mom, and read the article.”

I nodded, but there wasn’t anything to say. I lifted a shoulder. “Uh. Yeah.”

A cloud came over him, his eyebrows dipping low. “Can I–uh–I’m sorry if I was a dick that day. At the Cain fraternity party. I–”

“You really liked Angela.”

His mouth closed, tightly and he nodded. “Yeah. I did.” He laughed, abruptly, and raked a hand through his hair. “I feel like a dumbass because you gave this whole speech and made yourself vulnerable, and I just want to ask you about Angela. She told me she’s not in a place to date anyone.”

“Did she say why?”

His head lowered. “Said something serious happened. That was it, but how’s she doing?”

I didn’t have a response for him.

His eyes locked on mine, and he sighed. “I have to let her go, huh?”

“I don’t know. Honestly.”

“Okay. Okay!” A crooked grin tugged at the corner of his mouth, and he put an arm around my shoulder as we both began for the door. “Roomie to roomie, I could go for a drink.”

I held up a fist. “I’m down.”

He laughed, meeting his fist to mine. “At the house or the pub?”

I considered it, then knew. “At the pub.”





54





CRUZ





I was heading into the bar because Mara texted, said she’d been there since noon drinking with her roommates. It was after practice and the other guys were with me. They headed inside, but I held back when my phone buzzed.

Mom: picture.

It was a picture of Titi all smiles. They were at a party, or I was guessing from the balloons and the rainbow painted on Titi’s cheek.

Me: She looks good. Happy.

Mom: She is! Things are good, honey. I know we talk often, but I felt like sending that message again today. We’re good. Titi’s good. You’re good. I know you worry, but you don’t need to. I love you, sweetheart. So very much. We’re going to visit Sissy tomorrow in the cemetery. Would you like us to FaceTime you when we’re there?