Hitched(7)
* * *
Blake: I married Hope this morning.
* * *
Clint: AGAIN?
* * *
Blake: I know. I KNOW. It was for an alpaca—you know what? Never mind. Just—it would be really awesome if you were here when I break the news to the family.
* * *
Clint: Alpaca?
* * *
Blake: Did you miss the part where I admitted that I miss my little brother? And that Japan feels like a long way away?
* * *
Clint: Japan IS a long way away, dumbass. And speaking of dumbass—you married Hope because of an alpaca? Not because you two finally quit pretending that you hate each other and worked it out between the sheets?
* * *
Blake: Hell no. And that’s not the kind of support I’m looking for. I need you to quietly sew some seeds of doubt behind my back. Tell Mom and Dad it’s a bad idea. Tell Ryan I was drunk. Tell Jace—hell, I don’t care what you tell Jace. He won’t hear it. Dopey asshole.
* * *
Clint: That’s sleep deprivation from having a baby. Which reminds me—you want in on the pool on whether Ryan and Cassie get pregnant before Christmas?
* * *
Blake: NO. Can we get through my marriage crisis first?
* * *
Clint: Fine. I’ll ask again next week. Back to you and Hope. Was it a shotgun wedding?
* * *
Blake: No. It was more like…blackmail.
* * *
Clint: You threatened to steal her alpaca if she didn’t do you the honor of becoming your lawfully wedded wife?
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Blake: NO! SHE blackmailed ME, asshole.
* * *
Clint: Why? And how? She say she’d set fire to your grape vines?
* * *
Blake: No.
* * *
Clint: She found those toddler pictures of you from your punk rocker phase? With your little pink and blue mohawk?
* * *
Blake: Fine, forget support. Can you just please NOT say “AGAIN” when everyone texts you to find out what you knew about the wedding?
* * *
Clint: Have I let it slip in the last four years that you did Vegas the way god intended? No, I haven’t. Am I going to now? Well, that depends on how much you lie to me in the next five minutes.
* * *
Blake: I’m not lying. We’re married. Legally. That’s all you need to know.
* * *
Clint: Do you love her?
* * *
Blake: middle finger emoji
* * *
Clint: That’s not an actual answer, and it could mean yes or no.
* * *
Blake: Point is, it won’t last. But this time everyone knows, so help me prepare them for the heartbreak of my divorce in three months, okay?
* * *
Clint: Hmmm… Mom and Pop really love Hope, you know. Especially after all those nice things she said when she officiated Jace and Olivia’s wedding. And isn’t Cassie in a book club with her or something?
* * *
Blake: They’ve been volunteering at bingo together, and this is NOT HELPING.
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Clint: You could just try to stay married this time.
* * *
Blake: SHE HATES MY GUTS.
* * *
Clint: Probably because you’re always pulling her pigtails. Women hate that. And rightfully so. You like her, tell her you like her.
* * *
Blake: She’s the one who demanded the annulment in Vegas, not me. She doesn’t think I’m marriage material, except when she needs something.
* * *
Clint: But you went along with it AGAIN, Mr. “Marriage is for Love.” So clearly you see an opportunity here.
* * *
Blake: An opportunity to make her as miserable as she makes me.
* * *
Clint: Not buying it, bro. You’re secretly hoping it works out.
* * *
Blake: She short-circuited the entire courthouse and broke three iPhones by looking at them wrong before the ceremony was over.