Hitched(3)

I wasn’t so sober myself—clearly, if you have the prettiest elbows was all it took to convince me to cruise down the aisle.

Today, however, I’m so sober I’m in danger of dehydration. I’m also older and wiser and not about to open myself up to this particular kind of pain again. “I’m sorry, Hope, I get that you’re in a hard spot, but—”

“This is not my first choice, believe me,” she cuts in. “But if it’s between blackmailing you into marrying me, or watching Kyle take off with Chewpaca and other innocent animals he’ll abuse, I’m sorry, but the fur babies win. Lives are hanging in the balance, Blake, so I’m getting married. Now.”

She’s serious.

But there’s no fucking way I’m marrying her today. Or tomorrow. Or ever again. “You don’t have any blackmail material on me, Hope, and I’m out of here.”

“Wait!” She springs to her feet, scattering flower petals from her fluffy white princess skirt. “Okay, forget the blackmail part. Think of it as a job! You do odd jobs, and you’re never going to get a job odder than this one.”

“I can’t marry you.”

She heaves a sigh. “If this is about that thing that we don’t talk about—ever—then let me assure you, it didn’t happen. But if it had happened, it would have proven that you can, in fact, marry me anytime you want.”

“Marriage should be about love and commitment.” Which it was.

For me, at least.

For her…

“I’d argue that marriage is a business contract, but I can also promise that this is about love,” she insists. “It’s about the universal love of animals and doing what’s right. You’ve met Chewpaca. Can you imagine his life being turned into one long string of bad hook-ups? He’s the world’s top alpaca stud. An ounce of his sperm is worth more than your entire vineyard. Do you know what Kyle would do with that kind of money tree? Chewpaca could be seriously hurt.”

I do know the alpaca. Apparently his fur—wool?—is top-notch.

Sweet animal. Loves my sister-in-law.

But the poor guy is going to have to find himself another savior, and Hope another sucker. “Sorry, you need to ask someone else.”

“Who?”

Well, shit. “Tucker,” I say, then cringe, because Tucker’s in a long-term relationship, and his girlfriend probably wouldn’t appreciate that. Hope clearly doesn’t either, because she gives me the hairy, what the hell is wrong with you? eyeball.

“Okay, okay,” I mutter, “let me think.” But the next three names that pop up on my mental screen are all too odd or have chronic body odor issues.

The four after that are old enough to be her grandfather. But maybe…

“Don’t say it,” she orders as my brows lift in contemplation.

“Say what?”

“You were going to suggest Carl or Frank.”

“Well, if it’s purely a fake marriage…”

“I agree, but they already turned me down. I’m not kidding, Blake. I’m out of options. You’re it. My last chance.”

“You asked Carl and Frank?” I ask dubiously, ignoring the voice in my head that’s a little hurt to be lower on the list than those two cranky old coots.

“I. Love. That. Alpaca,” she says. “And the other animals too.”

“You asked Carl.”

She brings her bouquet to her chest, squishing it between her fingers as she threads them together in a pleading gesture that tugs at my conscience. “You give me three months of marriage, long enough to ensure I’m named Chewpaca’s legal owner and Kyle can’t touch any of Gram’s sweet babies. In exchange, you get your liquor license. And while we’re married, you can be a workaholic at your vineyard, and I’ll be a workaholic on the farm. We’ll barely have to see each other. It’ll be like the ‘I do’s’ never even happened.”

“Except when you fry a toaster or a milking machine.”

“Does that mean you’re on board?” she asks, hope lighting her eyes, making her look even prettier than she usually does. Which is too pretty.

I can’t marry her. Not for all the liquor licenses in Georgia.

I shake my head, lifting my hands into the air at my sides. “No, it doesn’t. I can’t, Hope. I’m sorry.”

I start to back away, but she stops me with a threat. “If you don’t help me, I’m calling Olivia. She loves Chewpaca. What, exactly, do you think she’d do if she found out you were the reason he has to go to a horrible new home? If it’s your fault that her baby daughter will never get the chance to know the alpaca who saved her mother’s life?”

I’d accuse her of being melodramatic, except I know both Hope’s cousin, the asshole who stands to inherit Chewpaca, and my sister-in-law. Olivia believes she has a cosmic connection with that damn alpaca, and Hope’s not exaggerating any of this.

Plus, I need that liquor license. I’ve been denied three times already for stupid red tape reasons, and my latest application will expire if I can’t get the DOR to sign off soon.

But Gary has been dragging his feet again. I’m starting to think this is a personal vendetta for him, not simply a result of being dedicated to crossing every t and dotting every i. I suspect I’m being denied my license because Gary’s pissed that my oldest brother, Ryan, helped put Gary’s brother in jail last year.